Closure I Will Never Find

I think something every victim is waiting for is for some higher power to come down from the skies and say the words, “You are forgiven. It is not your fault.” That’s the hardest part of the recovery process in my opinion. It is very hard to accept that you had no control over the situation. That there is nothing you could have done but survive. I certainly haven’t accepted that. I doubt I ever will.

The other thing that I want is a chance to confront P. Now that I’m strong and independent, I’m not afraid of him anymore. I wish I could make him face what he did to me. I know this isn’t ever going to happen either though. Even if I ever did speak with him again, I doubt he would listen. He would turn my words against me and make it my fault most likely.

So I’m at a loss. The two things I need to move beyond this are basically impossible to achieve. I will never accept that I was a mere victim, that I could not have changed the situation and saved myself. I am also never going to get to see my abuser feel any regret or remorse for what he has done. So how do I move beyond this? Where is closure found? Where is inner peace found? I’ve been searching for the answers to these questions for over 2 years now. I haven’t come any closer to finding them. I wonder if I ever will.

Why Take The Risk?

Sometimes I feel mired in a blur of the past, present and future. All three mix together and send my mind into a whirlwind. Emotions seem to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is real, or a residual affect of something that happened long, long ago.

I don’t trust my mind. Well, I should more say I don’t trust my heart. I have full faith in my logical, rational brain. But you can’t live your life based on facts on figures. Making personal decisions from a solely logical standpoint will leave you sad and alone. The reality is that statistically the chances of a person betraying/hurting you is ridiculously higher than them being a positive influence on your life. So why do we have human interaction at all? There is so much risk every time we open ourselves up to someone else, but we do it anyways. There is just some deep biological aspect of our species that can’t tolerate being alone. I suppose it comes from the fact that there is survival in numbers, so evolution has driven us together rather than apart. But together we still manage to destroy one another. Quite the paradox.

That was a little bit of a tangent from the original point I was trying to make. My mind is a little all over the place these days.  I guess you never know where writing is going to take you until you’re there. Or life for that matter.

How Much Is Too Much?

What I want to know is when are you spending too much time with your significant other? Because by normal standards I am spending way too much time with K. But I don’t have anything better to do. It’s not like I’m giving up anything else. I don’t really have much going on because I’m living at home and working. None of my friends live nearby. So is it bad that we want to spend every night together?

I feel like I have to stay away just for the sake of it. Not because I actually want to. K doesn’t want me to stay away either. So why am I doing it? I just feel like I have to. Even though all I really want is to go over to his apartment. Does that make any sense at all?

I guess the other thing is I’m obviously getting too attached if I want to spend this much time with him. I never had this ridiculous yearn with JJ or G. We’ve been seeing each other for almost a month and a half. We only went more than a day without seeing one another once. That was this past weekend because we both went on trips with friends. The crazy thing is that we were only gone two days and both of us admitted to really missing one another.

I don’t believe in that kind of obsession with another person. I think it only leads to destruction and heartache. P and I spent that much time together and look what happened. Nothing good, that’s for sure. I just don’t know what to do about K. Nothing in me wants to stop. It just seems safer and smarter to stay away.

Dawn

It’s the fight from within, a battle to survive
No one knows the storm that’s brewing inside
A smile on your face, shine out to the world
Auras of perfection radiating from the perfect girl

But behind closed doors you crack, behind closed doors you break
That beautiful mask crumbles from your face
Fall to your knees, curl up on the floor
Feel the raw pain surging from your core

Unable to move, trapped by the heavy weight of night
No longer able to find the will to fight
Succumbing to many a sleepless hour, fitful tosses and turns
The emptiness inside continues to burn

Finally you’ve had enough, shining eyes turn to the sky
The first rays of dawn signal a brand new day
A newfound strength, discovered in the orange glow
A courage to face the world with a broken heart in tow

The Type Problem

Girls are always talking about what “type” of guy they are into. Bad boys, athletes, nerds, etc. We all think we know what we like and what we should be looking for. There’s an image in our head of the perfect male who will satisfy all of our criteria. We feel as though we have to someone who is “our type” in order to find that.

My type had always been intellectual. I felt as though I couldn’t get along with someone unless they were on a career path that would end with them being called “doctor”. I am aware that is pretty snobbish. But I didn’t think anything could work with someone who didn’t have a brain to match mine.

I’m still not sure about this. But when I think back to all of the intellectuals I’ve dated and how it’s failed miserably with each one, I start to reevaluate. I recently started dating a new guy. We can call him K. K is not my type AT ALL. In fact, I think if my polar opposite existed in a person it would be him. He’s not book smart and barely scraped by in school. He’s goofy, athletic and outgoing. Never something I though I would go for at all. Yet I am enjoying myself tremendously. I think because he helps me relax and have fun. It’s very odd, but I like it.

So I guess my point is sometimes we think we know what our type is, but we are wrong. I know a lot of girls who stick to a certain type of guy. They never branch out, even though things continuously don’t work out. I think if you’re single, you probably don’t know what you need in a partner. You may think you do, but you don’t. If you did, would you actually still be single?

Haunting Questions

I read through some of my old posts today. I don’t think I ever realized quite how sad and tormented I sounded sometimes. I desperately tried to shine a positive light on my situation, but it was fleeting and I failed miserably. My struggle came from the fact that I could not express what I was feeling in words. No amount of adjectives could properly describe the agony. Raw, broken, empty, numb, lifeless. There is no word that can properly depict that level of pain.

It’s been almost exactly two years since the last time I saw P. Am I pathetic for still being tortured by what I went through? I am pretty happy. My life has gotten progressively better since that fateful day that I walked away. I have regular slumps, but everything seems to be in an upward trend. This is just during the day though. At night, I can’t fight anymore and the memories come rolling back. Something about the quiet darkness opens the flood gates. It’s still just as painful, not raw anymore but I hurt so much on the inside.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could ask why and get him to explain. I want to know if he actually remembers what he did to me. If he was lying when he says he was blacked out and has no idea. I want to know if there is any amount of remorse or regret. I just don’t understand his mind, what happened and why it all got so bad. And I think one of the most frustrating parts of trying to heal are all of these unanswered questions. The sad truth is I’m never going to get any closure. Those questions are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Double Standard

Why is it that men are applauded for the number of women they sleep with, but a woman who sleeps with many men is a slut? Who decided that? I’d like to have a conversation with them. There’s such a huge social stigma on girls who like to have sex. I don’t even get it. We’re even taught that if we give it up too soon, a guy won’t like us anymore. As if having sex has some bearing on personality at all and I should ignore my physical desires simply to get a man to stick around. Fuck that (excuse the language). If getting physical is going to magically make him uninterested, why should I be interested in the first place?

I should not have to feel embarrassed about the number of men I have slept with. And no one should be allowed to judge me for it either. I’m a smart, independent women who happens to be very in touch with her sexuality. I don’t really see anything wrong with that. I think that everyone should be able to live their life how they want, without society telling them what to do. Sometimes I just want to go out and get laid. That’s biology. It’s a primal urge. And if it’s okay for men to have that urge, then it should be okay for women too. Everyone is equal. We should not hold each other to different standards.