I think something every victim is waiting for is for some higher power to come down from the skies and say the words, “You are forgiven. It is not your fault.” That’s the hardest part of the recovery process in my opinion. It is very hard to accept that you had no control over the situation. That there is nothing you could have done but survive. I certainly haven’t accepted that. I doubt I ever will.
The other thing that I want is a chance to confront P. Now that I’m strong and independent, I’m not afraid of him anymore. I wish I could make him face what he did to me. I know this isn’t ever going to happen either though. Even if I ever did speak with him again, I doubt he would listen. He would turn my words against me and make it my fault most likely.
So I’m at a loss. The two things I need to move beyond this are basically impossible to achieve. I will never accept that I was a mere victim, that I could not have changed the situation and saved myself. I am also never going to get to see my abuser feel any regret or remorse for what he has done. So how do I move beyond this? Where is closure found? Where is inner peace found? I’ve been searching for the answers to these questions for over 2 years now. I haven’t come any closer to finding them. I wonder if I ever will.
Sometimes I feel mired in a blur of the past, present and future. All three mix together and send my mind into a whirlwind. Emotions seem to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is real, or a residual affect of something that happened long, long ago.
I don’t trust my mind. Well, I should more say I don’t trust my heart. I have full faith in my logical, rational brain. But you can’t live your life based on facts on figures. Making personal decisions from a solely logical standpoint will leave you sad and alone. The reality is that statistically the chances of a person betraying/hurting you is ridiculously higher than them being a positive influence on your life. So why do we have human interaction at all? There is so much risk every time we open ourselves up to someone else, but we do it anyways. There is just some deep biological aspect of our species that can’t tolerate being alone. I suppose it comes from the fact that there is survival in numbers, so evolution has driven us together rather than apart. But together we still manage to destroy one another. Quite the paradox.
That was a little bit of a tangent from the original point I was trying to make. My mind is a little all over the place these days. I guess you never know where writing is going to take you until you’re there. Or life for that matter.
Why is it that men are applauded for the number of women they sleep with, but a woman who sleeps with many men is a slut? Who decided that? I’d like to have a conversation with them. There’s such a huge social stigma on girls who like to have sex. I don’t even get it. We’re even taught that if we give it up too soon, a guy won’t like us anymore. As if having sex has some bearing on personality at all and I should ignore my physical desires simply to get a man to stick around. Fuck that (excuse the language). If getting physical is going to magically make him uninterested, why should I be interested in the first place?
I should not have to feel embarrassed about the number of men I have slept with. And no one should be allowed to judge me for it either. I’m a smart, independent women who happens to be very in touch with her sexuality. I don’t really see anything wrong with that. I think that everyone should be able to live their life how they want, without society telling them what to do. Sometimes I just want to go out and get laid. That’s biology. It’s a primal urge. And if it’s okay for men to have that urge, then it should be okay for women too. Everyone is equal. We should not hold each other to different standards.
Dating in this day and age is extremely frustrating. We’ve become so technology obsessed that I feel like if, a guy isn’t texting me every day he isn’t interested. The sad thing is in most cases it’s true. We are constantly in contact with one another through social media, smart phones, etc. Sometimes I try and imagine how people dated back in the day of only land lines. It must have been way different.
I would prefer that though. I would prefer for him to have to call and plan the next date, or not speak at all. Texting is a frustrating distraction from real life that doesn’t mean anything. It also causes unnecessary anxiety and allows people to avoid really connecting. I’m so over it. It feels so fake. I struggle to try and convince myself to participate. Yet at the same time I get upset when the person on the other end of the line isn’t participating. It feels like rejection. Simply because texting is so commonplace. Who doesn’t text?
Time to start blogging again. For previous followers, look to my About Me for an update on my life. Things have changed, as they always do. Another failed relationship has me frustrated. A string of bad dates and I’m wondering what on Earth is wrong with me. Oh right, most men can’t handle the 20 year old college graduate thing. I’m starting to wonder if anything is ever going to work out. I intimidate a lot of people. I don’t even know why, because I’m an extremely accepting person. Being really smart shouldn’t make you a social pariah. But for some reason it does…
I currently have the next year off. I’m applying to medical school. I already got accepted to a program that was half in Australia and half in the United States, but it’s way too expensive for me ($80,000+/year). I am super bored, and I feel like my brain is rotting. I’m not in school for the first time in 18 years, and it just feels so wrong to not be learning. It’s what I’m good at after all. I’m also living at home with my parents, which really sucks. I love my family, but the lack of privacy after 4 years on your own is extremely frustrating.
I really need to actually keep up with writing this time. Back in the day, I was pretty good at it. It’s also a fantastic outlet for my boredom and frustration with life at the current moment. And, since I’m being honest right now, I’m still having a lot of issues when it comes to P. It’s literally been two years, and I still can’t shake it. I would say I’m doing better than when I started this journey, but the memories still haunt me every night.
“It’s not about forgetting the past, it’s about accepting the past.”
I was going to write a blog post, but the words won’t come. What I am feeling can’t be typed out. I expect in two weeks time I will begin to be able to sort through all this. For now, I leave you all with a quote:
“I think hell is something you carry around with you, not somewhere you go.”
When I was younger I thought that I would get to a point in life where decisions would come easily. I expected that maturity would allow me the ability to know what to do. I’m quickly learning that it is actually the complete opposite. Decisions keep getting harder and more important. I’m hoping I might be getting better at making them (we’ll see about that), but the thought is seriously weighing on me.
I spent a long time grappling with whether or not to accept this medical school offer that will take me to Australia. I have decided I’m going to take it. While I should be happy that my dream of being a doctor is going to come true, I am absolutely terrified. I know that I will have to leave everything behind. I will be alone in a foreign country. I have to trust that I have the strength to get through anything that happens without the support of my family members. I think that I do, but it’s been a long time since I put that much faith in myself.
I also don’t trust my decision making process. I’m worried I might be making the wrong choice. I have made so many wrong choices in the past. So many terrible decisions that effected me so negatively. I don’t think going to Australia will have such negative outcomes, but I’m still paranoid. It’s just the past. The past that’s still heavy on my mind.
JJ was surprisingly helpful while I was trying to figure out what to do. I know there’s no way he wants me to move half a world away. But after I told him I thought I should do it I just wasn’t sure wasn’t sure if I had the strength, he helped convince me that I could. I guess I just need to have more faith in myself. I have come a long way, and there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to do this. I just need to believe.