The Type Problem

Girls are always talking about what “type” of guy they are into. Bad boys, athletes, nerds, etc. We all think we know what we like and what we should be looking for. There’s an image in our head of the perfect male who will satisfy all of our criteria. We feel as though we have to someone who is “our type” in order to find that.

My type had always been intellectual. I felt as though I couldn’t get along with someone unless they were on a career path that would end with them being called “doctor”. I am aware that is pretty snobbish. But I didn’t think anything could work with someone who didn’t have a brain to match mine.

I’m still not sure about this. But when I think back to all of the intellectuals I’ve dated and how it’s failed miserably with each one, I start to reevaluate. I recently started dating a new guy. We can call him K. K is not my type AT ALL. In fact, I think if my polar opposite existed in a person it would be him. He’s not book smart and barely scraped by in school. He’s goofy, athletic and outgoing. Never something I though I would go for at all. Yet I am enjoying myself tremendously. I think because he helps me relax and have fun. It’s very odd, but I like it.

So I guess my point is sometimes we think we know what our type is, but we are wrong. I know a lot of girls who stick to a certain type of guy. They never branch out, even though things continuously don’t work out. I think if you’re single, you probably don’t know what you need in a partner. You may think you do, but you don’t. If you did, would you actually still be single?

Sad. Lonely. Low.

Well I’m officially at the lowest point I’ve been at in over a year. After everything that has happened this semester I feel pretty shitty about myself. I keep trying to put things into perspective and remind myself how much better off I am now. No matter how bad things seem I know it’s better than when I was with P. I’m just sad right now. I made a lot of mistakes this semester and I’ve never felt so alone.

First of all, I literally have no friends. I pretty much rapidly came to the realization that everyone I was friends with was a cruel, judgmental person. Half of them decided they hate me after all that bullshit went down and the other half I don’t even want to associate with. I’m just so disgusted by how girls my age are behaving. I hate how mean they are to people who are different. I’m different. I finally allowed myself to admit that. And now they’re mean to me too.

I guess the mistake I made was trying to fit in. I’m never going to fit in. I tried to be mainstream and hang with the “cool kids”. I made that my life and now I want nothing to do with it. I need to find people who are more like me. I just don’t even know the first place to look. And now that I’m in my last semester of college, my options are pretty slim. I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to be spending a lot of time alone.

Not only am I friendless, but I am also manless. I have never been this manless for so long. I’m so god damned lonely. I just want some comfort and support. I seriously feel like no guy even wants to talk to me. I’m going to be that girl who’s awkwardly single at the age of 35. I also know I’m being completely melodramatic right now. But I’m having a moment and I just need to write it out.  I’m really just praying for something good to happen soon. I need something to brighten my spirits.

The Lies I Can’t Hide From At Night

1. I’m happy with my life
2. Partying three nights a week is fun
3. I have real friends
4. I love being single
5. I hate P
6. I don’t miss him either
7. I don’t need a man in my life
8. I’m not lonely
9. I hate being touched
10. Being alone is easier

There I did it. 10 lies I tell myself and everyone else to make it through the day. My life is so artificial right now. None of it is real or living. It’s an existence. It’s not me. It’s the person I wish I could be. The popular, care free, single girl. I can never be her. I can pretend. I do it all day, every day. But at night I lay in bed and feel so god damned empty. I don’t connect with anybody. I don’t use my brain the way I should. I can’t if I want to keep being accepted in the world I’m trapped in. Its horrible.

And yes, I know I’m the bitch who is complaining about being popular and cool. It’s not fun though. It only looks like that on the outside. Everyone on the inside is secretly miserable. They’re all faking it. Most just don’t even realize it. Because we would rather be accepted than show our true selves and risk social ostracism. I’m guilty of it. I started acting dumber so I could have more “friends”. They aren’t even people I could count on either. They are too self absorbed. How stupid is that? Why did I ever think I wanted this?

The Fog That Enshrouds The Future

Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely overwhelmed. I am nearing the end of my junior year of college. I’ve only got one left. The time to apply for medical school is bearing down upon and me. And, like many, I’ve begun to wonder what I will do if I don’t get in. I have the right to be afraid though. In this economy, any college aged undergraduate should be worried about their future.

I am the type of person that is always looking ahead. I like to have Plans B, C and D just in case Plan A fails. Plan A is obviously to go to med school. I’m just having a hard time figuring out what I will do if that doesn’t work out. I have considered many options. One is to find a job in a biomedical research lab, be a paramedic in the meantime and apply again. Another is to apply for Teach for America. Finally, if I absolutely can’t get in, I could apply to PA school instead. It would be settling, but at least I could still work in the medical profession. Because honestly the only thing I want is to be able to help people.

G has certainly also made the future more cloudy. His presence is ominous and invading my plans. I was planning on him making an exit from my life at the end of the semester. He has made it pretty clear that is not what he wants. A month ago, I was pretty sure I would be single until the end of my time here at Penn State. I was completely fine with that. However, now I am riding a train with its final destination labeled “Relationship”. It honestly wouldn’t worry me as much if it wouldn’t be long distance. G is going to move to New York City. I mean during the summer he will only be two hours away by train, but during the school year it’s five hours by bus. Only four if I miraculously get a car. That’s still a lot of traveling. I’m afraid of committing to something like that. I know what being in a long distance relationship is like. Part of your mind is always somewhere else an it can be very lonely. The question becomes, “Is he worth it?” I do not know the answer to that right now. He pushes me in the direction of yes every day though.

This certainly is a tumultuous time of life. I have absolutely no idea where I will be a year and a half from now. That’s scary. The future is enshrouded in fog so thick there’s no way you can see through. It’s hard not to let it make you insecure and fearful. My mom always tells me to live in the present. But with my chosen career path it is impossible to do that. You must constantly plan or you will never get in. That’s the sad truth. I also need my other plans in case my med school dream doesn’t come true. As for G, I have no idea. I can at least take it day by day with him. I have a feeling I’ll have to make some big decisions soon though.

Sickeningly Alone

Last night was terrible. Around midnight I started to feel sick so I got in bed early. Shortly after, the chills started. I was so cold I couldn’t sleep, and my whole body hurt so much I couldn’t move. At one point my fever was so bad I entered into a state of delirium. I thought I was trudging around campus in the snow. My jacket would not zip up so I couldn’t stay warm. I felt so lost and alone. I wanted to call someone to help me, but I didn’t have anyone. Eventually, I started to cry. After crying for a while I realized I wasn’t in the snow, but in my bed. However, I still felt incredibly alone. It was 5 am. I was sick as a dog. And I had absolutely no one to help me.

Today I am still suffering from whatever illness this is. I’ve barely gotten out of bed. All I can do is watch movies on my tiny television. I just finished Pride and Prejudice. What a beautiful story…a beautiful story that makes me feel like I’m going to be alone forever. I cannot imagine a man loving me as much as Darcy loves Elizabeth. It was almost sickening to watch. The movie definitely crushed a little bit of my positive outlook. Most girls watch love stories and get excited; I watch them and get depressed. I just feel as though that doesn’t exist. I certainly haven’t experienced it.

Perhaps I’m in such a pessimistic mood because I feel so shitty. I miss having someone a lot right now. For some reason I have a really hard time with being alone when I’m sick. It’s just nice to have someone who cares about you enough to take care of you. Right now the only person doing that for me is S. I guess I’m being really selfish, but I can’t help how I feel right now.