Haunting Questions

I read through some of my old posts today. I don’t think I ever realized quite how sad and tormented I sounded sometimes. I desperately tried to shine a positive light on my situation, but it was fleeting and I failed miserably. My struggle came from the fact that I could not express what I was feeling in words. No amount of adjectives could properly describe the agony. Raw, broken, empty, numb, lifeless. There is no word that can properly depict that level of pain.

It’s been almost exactly two years since the last time I saw P. Am I pathetic for still being tortured by what I went through? I am pretty happy. My life has gotten progressively better since that fateful day that I walked away. I have regular slumps, but everything seems to be in an upward trend. This is just during the day though. At night, I can’t fight anymore and the memories come rolling back. Something about the quiet darkness opens the flood gates. It’s still just as painful, not raw anymore but I hurt so much on the inside.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could ask why and get him to explain. I want to know if he actually remembers what he did to me. If he was lying when he says he was blacked out and has no idea. I want to know if there is any amount of remorse or regret. I just don’t understand his mind, what happened and why it all got so bad. And I think one of the most frustrating parts of trying to heal are all of these unanswered questions. The sad truth is I’m never going to get any closure. Those questions are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Haunted

Time to start blogging again. For previous followers, look to my About Me for an update on my life. Things have changed, as they always do. Another failed relationship has me frustrated. A string of bad dates and I’m wondering what on Earth is wrong with me. Oh right, most men can’t handle the 20 year old college graduate thing. I’m starting to wonder if anything is ever going to work out. I intimidate a lot of people. I don’t even know why, because I’m an extremely accepting person. Being really smart shouldn’t make you a social pariah. But for some reason it does…

I currently have the next year off. I’m applying to medical school. I already got accepted to a program that was half in Australia and half in the United States, but it’s way too expensive for me ($80,000+/year). I am super bored, and I feel like my brain is rotting. I’m not in school for the first time in 18 years, and it just feels so wrong to not be learning. It’s what I’m good at after all. I’m also living at home with my parents, which really sucks. I love my family, but the lack of privacy after 4 years on your own is extremely frustrating.

I really need to actually keep up with writing this time. Back in the day, I was pretty good at it. It’s also a fantastic outlet for my boredom and frustration with life at the current moment. And, since I’m being honest right now, I’m still having a lot of issues when it comes to P. It’s literally been two years, and I still can’t shake it. I would say I’m doing better than when I started this journey, but the memories still haunt me every night.

“It’s not about forgetting the past, it’s about accepting the past.”

-Melanie Koulouris

Hell

I was going to write a blog post, but the words won’t come. What I am feeling can’t be typed out. I expect in two weeks time I will begin to be able to sort through all this. For now, I leave you all with a quote:

“I think hell is something you carry around with you, not somewhere you go.”

– Neil Gaiman

A Setback On The Road To Recovery

I had a bit of a setback. Okay, it wasn’t a bit of a setback. It was a pretty large one. On Sunday, JJ and I were fooling around. He was touching me, and out of nowhere in my mind he just morphed into P. Suddenly, his hands were P’s hand and I felt like I had been rocketed back in time. I started to get really scared, and pretty soon I was hyperventilating. The logical part of me knew that it was JJ and not P, but some other part of my mind had taken over. I had to tell him to stop, because I was about to go into a full blown panic attack.

I sat up and I was shaking. JJ was, of course, very concerned. I told him that bad things had happened to me and sometimes I get freaked out. I was absolutely mortified and embarrassed by the fact that I reacted that way. I was so upset. But JJ was good. He hugged me and told me not to worry about it. He told me to make sure I told him right away if I ever started to feel uncomfortable.

After I left his place, I was pretty convinced I was never going back. I wanted to run from what had just transpired, and also how upset with myself I was. Who has a panic attack while someone is kissing them? Apparently I do. Not to mention the experience was absolutely horrifying, because it felt like I was trapped with P again. The entire thing just made me feel like I need to be alone and stay alone. My subconscious obviously doesn’t feel safe when I’m with someone else.

The next day JJ messaged me and told me that if I ever wanted to talk about it we could. He told me not to feel pressured though and that he understood if it wasn’t easy. I ended up telling him about P on Tuesday night. Not much, just the bare details. JJ hugged me for a long time after I explained what had happened. He didn’t say much about it though except that I can’t blame myself because I was so young.

His reaction made me feel slightly better. I was afraid he was going to think I’m a freak show. I pretty much am though. That whole experience made me realize that I am nowhere near getting over what happened to me. I’m really frustrated with myself for that. But I guess I can’t expect much else when I’ve been running from the pain and the memories. I don’t have any other ideas for how to handle it though. I just want to move on with my life. P stalled my life for 4 years. I don’t want to lose anymore.

After All This Time, Still Broken On The Inside

I needed to post twice tonight. One about what’s going in my life, and another about how I’m feeling on the inside. I wish that I could say that after nearly two years I’m nearly healed. What happened with P still pains me every day though. My mind just can’t seem to process everything that happened between us, everything he did to me. I just hurt when I think about it. There’s not really any detail anymore, just hurt.

Sometimes I have flashbacks. Horrifying memories will invade my thoughts. They make me sick. I cannot believe what he put me through, what I allowed him to do to me. That’s what keeps getting worse. I’m so guilty. I hate myself for letting it all happen. And maybe that’s still him having some sort of hold over me. He still makes me blame myself for everything he did wrong.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a lot happier than I was a year ago. I am finally turning into the person I was meant to be. I know myself now and what I want out of life. That makes things easier. I’m not nearly as insecure as I was coming out of that relationship. I hate the person that I was, not the person that I am now. I just can’t help feel guilty and so sad, because I wonder what I could have been if that had never happened to me.

I keep myself really busy. I’m always active. My mind’s always occupied. I do a lot better when I essentially don’t have time to think about P. The darkness swallows me at night though. I lay in bed, and my heart just aches and burns. I wish I could describe what it feels like. The pain resonates from a place that seems deeper than physically possible. I don’t understand it at all. I have no idea how to heal. All I know is that my heart is broken and I don’t know how to fix it.

Love Can Ruin You

I feel like the life is gradually being sucked out of me. I know I’ve been saying this for a long time, but one can only take so much pain. I have a black hole where my heart should be. It’s void of all emotion and it’s engulfing my strength and optimism. The edges are tinged with pain. All is surrounded by darkness.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to feel love again. I honestly can’t remember what it’s like. The ability has been snuffed by guilt and pain. I’m guilty for loving such a monster. I wonder what kind of screwed up person that makes me. Somehow everything I endured makes sense to me. ┬áIt was a punishment for making such a grave mistake. A little lesson to remind me why you never fall in love with someone who seems good on the outside, but hides evil on the inside. Young, innocent me needed to be taught a lesson. I learned it well. I’ll never forget it. My heart is scarred. The guilt plagues me. My subconscious sends me reminders in my dreams, day and night.

So how on Earth am I ever going to be able to get over this and love someone else? I’m so broken. My emotions, feelings, hopes and dreams are walled off deep inside myself. I can’t imagining opening up to someone else or showing any amount of weakness. Weakness gets exploited. And what is trust? What is trust when it can be broken with seconds and ruin you? I don’t know if I’m capable of these things that are required by love: trust, honesty, openness. Why would anyone ever want to be with someone like that? Am I going to end up alone?