I think something every victim is waiting for is for some higher power to come down from the skies and say the words, “You are forgiven. It is not your fault.” That’s the hardest part of the recovery process in my opinion. It is very hard to accept that you had no control over the situation. That there is nothing you could have done but survive. I certainly haven’t accepted that. I doubt I ever will.
The other thing that I want is a chance to confront P. Now that I’m strong and independent, I’m not afraid of him anymore. I wish I could make him face what he did to me. I know this isn’t ever going to happen either though. Even if I ever did speak with him again, I doubt he would listen. He would turn my words against me and make it my fault most likely.
So I’m at a loss. The two things I need to move beyond this are basically impossible to achieve. I will never accept that I was a mere victim, that I could not have changed the situation and saved myself. I am also never going to get to see my abuser feel any regret or remorse for what he has done. So how do I move beyond this? Where is closure found? Where is inner peace found? I’ve been searching for the answers to these questions for over 2 years now. I haven’t come any closer to finding them. I wonder if I ever will.
Last night I was talking to A about the direction I want to take my blog in. I’m certainly not in the same place I was when I began writing it. I do have a lot of the same issues, but they are presenting themselves in different ways. I keep gaining more and more popularity though. It’s nice to know that I’m reaching people. I may be young, but I do feel my words have something to offer. I really appreciate my readers. I would love to know each of you personally, and if you have a story to share please send me an email (MakeLifeOrange@gmail.com) . The path I travel has not been easy, but it is a comfort to know how many people I have supporting me. And since you are all so important I have a question for you, what do you want me to write about? Where do you want me to go with this? I’m open to any suggestions or criticisms. I want to know what you all think about this. Please share anything; I really just desire to know the questions you ask when you read my writing, and what you wish I would write about more.