How I Survive

I seem to have this reaction towards any small amount of emotion that tells my mind to run as far away as fast as you can. Last night I strongly considered ending it with K, simply because I can tell I’m starting to like him. I don’t want to care. When you care you are vulnerable and that’s the problem. My subconscious fights against vulnerability with all of its might. My brain knows what happened the last time I was in a compromised position. It is willing to do anything to keep that from happening again.

It is so much safer and easier to be numb to the outside world. A protective, impregnable wall surrounds my heart. Keeping anything remotely dangerous out. Keeping me safe. Keeping me alive. The truth is if I allowed myself to feel, I’m not sure I could handle it. There’s so much pain locked away from the past and so much uncertainty stemming from the future. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to bleed like that. That level of emotion might drive me insane.

Granted, I’m not completely void of everything. Just the really strong feelings. I still smile and laugh. I’m still happy. I’m just in a very protected state. A sort of lock down that won’t let anything remotely dangerous in. That’s why K is a problem. He’s dangerous. I know it. I want to run.

I realize how crazy this all probably makes me sound. I don’t really want to be like this. But so far it’s what I’ve had to do to live with what happened to me. I’d rather be living than dying. And I honestly think the pain could have killed me if I chose to handle it a different way. For so long my life has just been about surviving. Now that I’m finally living, I fear jeopardizing that more than anything.

Dawn

It’s the fight from within, a battle to survive
No one knows the storm that’s brewing inside
A smile on your face, shine out to the world
Auras of perfection radiating from the perfect girl

But behind closed doors you crack, behind closed doors you break
That beautiful mask crumbles from your face
Fall to your knees, curl up on the floor
Feel the raw pain surging from your core

Unable to move, trapped by the heavy weight of night
No longer able to find the will to fight
Succumbing to many a sleepless hour, fitful tosses and turns
The emptiness inside continues to burn

Finally you’ve had enough, shining eyes turn to the sky
The first rays of dawn signal a brand new day
A newfound strength, discovered in the orange glow
A courage to face the world with a broken heart in tow

Haunting Questions

I read through some of my old posts today. I don’t think I ever realized quite how sad and tormented I sounded sometimes. I desperately tried to shine a positive light on my situation, but it was fleeting and I failed miserably. My struggle came from the fact that I could not express what I was feeling in words. No amount of adjectives could properly describe the agony. Raw, broken, empty, numb, lifeless. There is no word that can properly depict that level of pain.

It’s been almost exactly two years since the last time I saw P. Am I pathetic for still being tortured by what I went through? I am pretty happy. My life has gotten progressively better since that fateful day that I walked away. I have regular slumps, but everything seems to be in an upward trend. This is just during the day though. At night, I can’t fight anymore and the memories come rolling back. Something about the quiet darkness opens the flood gates. It’s still just as painful, not raw anymore but I hurt so much on the inside.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could ask why and get him to explain. I want to know if he actually remembers what he did to me. If he was lying when he says he was blacked out and has no idea. I want to know if there is any amount of remorse or regret. I just don’t understand his mind, what happened and why it all got so bad. And I think one of the most frustrating parts of trying to heal are all of these unanswered questions. The sad truth is I’m never going to get any closure. Those questions are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Hell

I was going to write a blog post, but the words won’t come. What I am feeling can’t be typed out. I expect in two weeks time I will begin to be able to sort through all this. For now, I leave you all with a quote:

“I think hell is something you carry around with you, not somewhere you go.”

– Neil Gaiman

A Slow Thaw

I have just been so exhausted lately. I think it is all the emotion. I am really not used to feeling this much. Last week was not the end of JJ. He decided to remain in Pennsylvania until the end of May. I’m going to stay with him on Thursday. I know this is just putting off the inevitable, but I want to be with him. And I really don’t know how to handle that feeling

I’m broken. I know I’m broken. I do not feel emotions like a normal person. I certainly don’t process them correctly either. My mind has been actively fighting against falling for JJ. It sees caring about somebody as being vulnerable. Vulnerability will get you hurt. And hurt badly. That lesson has been drilled into my brain. I can’t seem to forget it. My mind has been screaming at me not to go back, to stop talking to him and forget about him. The only way to stay safe is to be alone. Self preservation requires isolation and numbness. I have to survive. I can’t get hurt like that again.

There’s another part of me that has awoken though. It actively fights my brain, and pushes me towards JJ. My heart. I honestly wasn’t sure if it would ever work again. I had frozen it in a solid block of ice, forcing myself to forget that I had ever felt love. I still don’t remember what being in love feels like. The memories are twisted with so much darkness that I perceive it as an evil thing. JJ’s kindness has started a slow thaw though. I’m slowly warming up, and starting to believe that good can come from a relationship between a man and a woman. Love might not be possible for JJ and I, but I think I may feel it again one day.

I’m comforted by this. I had previously thought that I might end up alone, because of my inability to feel and trust. I now know that I can. This has not been easy, and if it was going to last longer we would have a lot of work to do. I got lucky in that JJ is very kind and patient. He slowly heals me with gentle touches, and works to convince me that good men do exist in the world. He will probably never know how much he has helped, just by being himself. It’s going to be hard when he leaves, but at least I know some good came out of this experience.

Saying Goodbye

I don’t know how to say goodbye, especially when I have absolutely no desire to. I feel like I have to though. I really can’t make any decisions about my future with JJ around. I get so sad though, because I know he is going to want to try and stay friends. He has kept in contact with all of his exes. I don’t think I can do that though. It will hurt too much.

My method of handling this type of thing is to cut off the person completely and pretend like they never existed. That is easiest for me. The only person I’ve had relations with that I have been able to keep in contact with is D, but that is only because I cut him off for nearly 2 years before reestablishing contact. At the same time though, I feel like it is really cruel to do that to JJ when he has been nothing but kind to me. I also know in different circumstances our relationship would continue.

It’s just so typical of me though, to sacrifice myself so someone else can feel better. Talking to him after he moves is just going to make me so sad. I just wish I didn’t have to make this decision at all. I knew what I was getting myself into in the beginning, and I did it anyways. I think it was worth it, but I’m paying the price now. I’m going to have to be sad for a while.

Goodbyes suck.

Thoroughly Overwhelmed

I’m a hurricane of emotions right now. Absolutely exhausted, but I can’t sleep. There is so much to feel that I am practically shutting down.

I have experienced a thawing of my cold heart at the hands of JJ. He is tender and kind. He never pushes me too far. He is there for me even when I do not want him to be. When I start having a hard time he pulls me into his arms and he will not let go until I calm down. I could not ask for someone to treat me better.

But most likely we are going to have to say goodbye. We haven’t talked about it yet, but I know we can both feel it coming. I graduated from Penn State today. I moved home which is 3 hours away today. I’m going back for a few days next week to stay with JJ before he graduates from the law school. I have a feeling that will be the last time we see one another.

Three days ago I was accepted to a medical school program where you study for two years in Australia and after that two years in the United States. Once you graduate, you can become licensed to practice in both countries. There are a lot of factors to consider but at the moment, I am leaning towards accepting the offer. I know if I do that I need to say goodbye to JJ though. It hurts, but it’s what I’m going to have to do.

Because of all this I am thoroughly overwhelmed. I have not felt so much emotion at once in a very long time. That is the main reason I decided to come home for a few days after graduation. JJ wanted me to stay with him, but I need to figure out what is going on in my head. I have to figure out the next path I’m going to take, and it will be impossible for me to do that with him next to me being as endearing as he is.

I probably sound like I am in love, but I’m totally not. I just did not think it would be possible for anyone to stir my feelings. I have felt nothing for so long and I had absolutely no desire to get close to anyone. JJ has opened me up more than anyone else since P and that has had a profound effect on me. I have a feeling I’m going to go numb again for a little while when I have to let him go, but at least I know now that there are good guys left in this world.