Girls are always talking about what “type” of guy they are into. Bad boys, athletes, nerds, etc. We all think we know what we like and what we should be looking for. There’s an image in our head of the perfect male who will satisfy all of our criteria. We feel as though we have to someone who is “our type” in order to find that.
My type had always been intellectual. I felt as though I couldn’t get along with someone unless they were on a career path that would end with them being called “doctor”. I am aware that is pretty snobbish. But I didn’t think anything could work with someone who didn’t have a brain to match mine.
I’m still not sure about this. But when I think back to all of the intellectuals I’ve dated and how it’s failed miserably with each one, I start to reevaluate. I recently started dating a new guy. We can call him K. K is not my type AT ALL. In fact, I think if my polar opposite existed in a person it would be him. He’s not book smart and barely scraped by in school. He’s goofy, athletic and outgoing. Never something I though I would go for at all. Yet I am enjoying myself tremendously. I think because he helps me relax and have fun. It’s very odd, but I like it.
So I guess my point is sometimes we think we know what our type is, but we are wrong. I know a lot of girls who stick to a certain type of guy. They never branch out, even though things continuously don’t work out. I think if you’re single, you probably don’t know what you need in a partner. You may think you do, but you don’t. If you did, would you actually still be single?
Apparently I’m intimidating. Don’t ask me why. That’s just what I’ve been told. I guess I’m hard to read. But why should I wear my emotions on my sleeve? That seems like a good way to get hurt or have someone take advantage of you if you ask me. So yeah, I hide what I’m feeling. If you look at me you aren’t going to have any idea what I’m thinking. In my opinion, you don’t have the right to know. And if you want to know so badly then have the balls to ask.
That’s just my opinion though. The girls I’m surrounded by don’t feel the same way. They feel a better tactic is to throw yourself at a guy until he accepts you. No thank you. I will happily continue to hide what I’m thinking. And if that makes me too intimidating you aren’t man enough to handle me anyways.
My mom thinks it’s going to be a very long time before I find someone confident enough to date me that isn’t an asshole. I think she might be right, but I still don’t understand why. Yes I’m a genius and yes I’m going to graduate college at 19. I’m not an alien though. I like to think I’m a normal person. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else either. The whole genius thing is not my defining quality. Nobody seems to realize that. It kind of sucks. I would really like to meet someone that wants to get to know the real me.
Last night I was talking to A about the direction I want to take my blog in. I’m certainly not in the same place I was when I began writing it. I do have a lot of the same issues, but they are presenting themselves in different ways. I keep gaining more and more popularity though. It’s nice to know that I’m reaching people. I may be young, but I do feel my words have something to offer. I really appreciate my readers. I would love to know each of you personally, and if you have a story to share please send me an email (MakeLifeOrange@gmail.com) . The path I travel has not been easy, but it is a comfort to know how many people I have supporting me. And since you are all so important I have a question for you, what do you want me to write about? Where do you want me to go with this? I’m open to any suggestions or criticisms. I want to know what you all think about this. Please share anything; I really just desire to know the questions you ask when you read my writing, and what you wish I would write about more.
G proved me wrong. I’m so glad he did. He really is a good guy. About an hour ago, he IMed me “I’m sorry we couldn’t hang out today :-(.” Apparently he got tied up with stuff he had to do for his fraternity. I was just glad I got an explanation and he seemed genuinely sorry. No plans for when we will hang out next, but I feel much better.
P has really messed me up. I didn’t realize the extent of it until today. The effects of four years of being in survival mode were very evident. I completely shut down. It took A hours to pull me out of it. I had to build so many walls to protect myself these past years. Every time P broke them down and destroyed them, I had to make them stronger. Now I’m hiding in an impenetrable fortress. G is at the entryway, politely requesting that I let him in. I’m terrified though. He scares me so much. Just because I really like him.
My brain is screaming at me to run, run far away. I know it’s just what I’ve been conditioned to feel. That’s why I’m trying to listen to my heart. My heart wants to trust G and let him in. To allow him to make me feel good and treat me right.
I have a confession to make. It’s something I try my best to hide, and I’ve even hidden it from you. Sometimes I feel stupid about it because in reality it’s something I should be proud of. I’m a certified genius. I’m eighteen years old and a junior in college. I took the SATs at age 14 and scored a 2140. I started taking college classes when I was a freshmen in high school. I had so many credits that I was able to graduate halfway through my junior year. I started here at Penn State when I was only sixteen and I got a 3.8 my first semester.
Many of you probably want to slap me right now. You’re probably wondering why I waited 70 blog posts to share this information. I’ll tell you why. Because when people find out something like that, they let it define their perception of me. I am so much more then just an intelligent person. And I am not a “freak”. I’ll tell you something. It was not easy growing up with the label gifted stamped on your forehead. It sucked. I spent all of my middle school years wishing I was average. I wanted to fit in, not blatantly stand out. No one wants to be friends with the girl who gets all As without trying. That’s why I got out as quickly as I could.
It’s been easier in college. I don’t have to tell people right away. Eventually, they do find out how old I am but by that time they’ve already accepted me as a person so it works out. I usually just say I graduated a year early. It doesn’t sound as weird. I know I have a gift and I should feel blessed. I do appreciate it. I know that it’s going to take me to the top of whatever I decide to do. It always has. There is so much pressure though. So much weight placed on your shoulders at such a young age. I scored in the 99.9th percentile of my IQ test at age 8. Once that happened, everyone expected I would be great one day. “Sam is going to be the president. Sam is going to cure cancer.” I have heard statements like that my entire life. That is a whole lot of expectations to live up to.
What I hate the most is the social ostracism. Most people just do not understand me. It’s made it really hard to make and keep friends. Especially when I want to just be myself. I can handle only having a few friends though. What I don’t want is to be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t feel compatible with very many people. I’m also intimidating. G doesn’t know my age. I’m afraid of telling him. I’m afraid of explaining how/why I got where I am. It has scared a lot of men away and kept them from even considering me. I can’t keep it a secret though. That’s even worse. I’m honestly just dying to find someone who understands me and the way my brain works. I don’t need a man as smart as I am. I just need a man that accepts how smart I am. Someone who understands that I’m always going to be just a little different and is okay with that. That’s all I really want.
Something weird is going on. I just get these gut instincts when I know something is up. One of those somethings happened today. P had two best friends. I’m going to call one of them E. E and I always got along very well, because we’re both into Biology. We took a few classes together, and we used to walk to our chemistry labs together. Granted, I never thought of him as more then a friend. He was also always there to help me work on whatever was going on with me and P. Some nights when P would black out and start freaking out on me I would call E and he would come and help calm P down. I really appreciated him for that.
Anyways, today E commented on my Facebook status. Anyone related to Paul’s life has been pretty silent as far as my Facebook goes. It’s just pretty much understood that you don’t comment on your friend’s ex-girlfriend’s status. So for E to do that struck me as very weird. Tonight, I wanted to figure out why he did that so I went to his Facebook. 22 hours ago he broke up with his girlfriend of nearly three years. I never liked his girlfriend. She was always cold and miserable. I’m also pretty sure P was in love with her. P might even be closer to her then E. That’s a problem because P and E live together.
Of course I’m analyzing the shit out of this scenario. It could mean nothing. But why would E make contact with me after nearly five months. I’m sure the fact that he broke up with his girlfriend just 12 hours before, has something to do with it. I’m considering sending him a message just to make sure he’s okay and saying I’m sorry about him and his girlfriend. I know they thought they were going to get married, so this must be rough. I also know what it feels like and we were friends for a while. We hung out all the time when I was with P. I just don’t know if I’m overstepping my boundaries. He did already start the crossing of lines though.
Any outside opinions on this would be greatly appreciated.
Apparently, my post last night pissed some people off. I got my first angry comments. I could tell these people were not regular readers, because I had the option of approving their comments. I could also tell they had not read any of my other posts or tried to understand me at all before spewing their angry words at me.
In my opinion, this is completely inappropriate behavior. If I start reading a blog I disagree with, I move on. I don’t write a book in the comment box cursing at that blogger and attempting to make them feel bad about themselves. That’s not what this community is about. We are here to support each other, not bring each other down. If you do disagree with me, I kindly request that you say so in a mature and appropriate manner. If you state your case, rather then fly into a rage, I might see your point and change my mind.
I did not approve the angry comments, obviously. Initially part of me wanted to write an entire post challenging the things they accused me of. I decided against that though. I am not on here to be judged by the way I live my life. I am on here because I went through some hell, I’m trying to get over it and I want to share my story with as many people as possible. I want to learn from others and help in any way I can. I’m a kind person. I don’t do anything with malicious intent. So I implore you, before you decide to post something angry or cruel on someone else’s blog, read more about them and try to really understand them. I think you’ll change your mind.