Closure I Will Never Find

I think something every victim is waiting for is for some higher power to come down from the skies and say the words, “You are forgiven. It is not your fault.” That’s the hardest part of the recovery process in my opinion. It is very hard to accept that you had no control over the situation. That there is nothing you could have done but survive. I certainly haven’t accepted that. I doubt I ever will.

The other thing that I want is a chance to confront P. Now that I’m strong and independent, I’m not afraid of him anymore. I wish I could make him face what he did to me. I know this isn’t ever going to happen either though. Even if I ever did speak with him again, I doubt he would listen. He would turn my words against me and make it my fault most likely.

So I’m at a loss. The two things I need to move beyond this are basically impossible to achieve. I will never accept that I was a mere victim, that I could not have changed the situation and saved myself. I am also never going to get to see my abuser feel any regret or remorse for what he has done. So how do I move beyond this? Where is closure found? Where is inner peace found? I’ve been searching for the answers to these questions for over 2 years now. I haven’t come any closer to finding them. I wonder if I ever will.

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Why Take The Risk?

Sometimes I feel mired in a blur of the past, present and future. All three mix together and send my mind into a whirlwind. Emotions seem to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is real, or a residual affect of something that happened long, long ago.

I don’t trust my mind. Well, I should more say I don’t trust my heart. I have full faith in my logical, rational brain. But you can’t live your life based on facts on figures. Making personal decisions from a solely logical standpoint will leave you sad and alone. The reality is that statistically the chances of a person betraying/hurting you is ridiculously higher than them being a positive influence on your life. So why do we have human interaction at all? There is so much risk every time we open ourselves up to someone else, but we do it anyways. There is just some deep biological aspect of our species that can’t tolerate being alone. I suppose it comes from the fact that there is survival in numbers, so evolution has driven us together rather than apart. But together we still manage to destroy one another. Quite the paradox.

That was a little bit of a tangent from the original point I was trying to make. My mind is a little all over the place these days.  I guess you never know where writing is going to take you until you’re there. Or life for that matter.

Haunted

Time to start blogging again. For previous followers, look to my About Me for an update on my life. Things have changed, as they always do. Another failed relationship has me frustrated. A string of bad dates and I’m wondering what on Earth is wrong with me. Oh right, most men can’t handle the 20 year old college graduate thing. I’m starting to wonder if anything is ever going to work out. I intimidate a lot of people. I don’t even know why, because I’m an extremely accepting person. Being really smart shouldn’t make you a social pariah. But for some reason it does…

I currently have the next year off. I’m applying to medical school. I already got accepted to a program that was half in Australia and half in the United States, but it’s way too expensive for me ($80,000+/year). I am super bored, and I feel like my brain is rotting. I’m not in school for the first time in 18 years, and it just feels so wrong to not be learning. It’s what I’m good at after all. I’m also living at home with my parents, which really sucks. I love my family, but the lack of privacy after 4 years on your own is extremely frustrating.

I really need to actually keep up with writing this time. Back in the day, I was pretty good at it. It’s also a fantastic outlet for my boredom and frustration with life at the current moment. And, since I’m being honest right now, I’m still having a lot of issues when it comes to P. It’s literally been two years, and I still can’t shake it. I would say I’m doing better than when I started this journey, but the memories still haunt me every night.

“It’s not about forgetting the past, it’s about accepting the past.”

-Melanie Koulouris

A Slow Thaw

I have just been so exhausted lately. I think it is all the emotion. I am really not used to feeling this much. Last week was not the end of JJ. He decided to remain in Pennsylvania until the end of May. I’m going to stay with him on Thursday. I know this is just putting off the inevitable, but I want to be with him. And I really don’t know how to handle that feeling

I’m broken. I know I’m broken. I do not feel emotions like a normal person. I certainly don’t process them correctly either. My mind has been actively fighting against falling for JJ. It sees caring about somebody as being vulnerable. Vulnerability will get you hurt. And hurt badly. That lesson has been drilled into my brain. I can’t seem to forget it. My mind has been screaming at me not to go back, to stop talking to him and forget about him. The only way to stay safe is to be alone. Self preservation requires isolation and numbness. I have to survive. I can’t get hurt like that again.

There’s another part of me that has awoken though. It actively fights my brain, and pushes me towards JJ. My heart. I honestly wasn’t sure if it would ever work again. I had frozen it in a solid block of ice, forcing myself to forget that I had ever felt love. I still don’t remember what being in love feels like. The memories are twisted with so much darkness that I perceive it as an evil thing. JJ’s kindness has started a slow thaw though. I’m slowly warming up, and starting to believe that good can come from a relationship between a man and a woman. Love might not be possible for JJ and I, but I think I may feel it again one day.

I’m comforted by this. I had previously thought that I might end up alone, because of my inability to feel and trust. I now know that I can. This has not been easy, and if it was going to last longer we would have a lot of work to do. I got lucky in that JJ is very kind and patient. He slowly heals me with gentle touches, and works to convince me that good men do exist in the world. He will probably never know how much he has helped, just by being himself. It’s going to be hard when he leaves, but at least I know some good came out of this experience.

A Setback On The Road To Recovery

I had a bit of a setback. Okay, it wasn’t a bit of a setback. It was a pretty large one. On Sunday, JJ and I were fooling around. He was touching me, and out of nowhere in my mind he just morphed into P. Suddenly, his hands were P’s hand and I felt like I had been rocketed back in time. I started to get really scared, and pretty soon I was hyperventilating. The logical part of me knew that it was JJ and not P, but some other part of my mind had taken over. I had to tell him to stop, because I was about to go into a full blown panic attack.

I sat up and I was shaking. JJ was, of course, very concerned. I told him that bad things had happened to me and sometimes I get freaked out. I was absolutely mortified and embarrassed by the fact that I reacted that way. I was so upset. But JJ was good. He hugged me and told me not to worry about it. He told me to make sure I told him right away if I ever started to feel uncomfortable.

After I left his place, I was pretty convinced I was never going back. I wanted to run from what had just transpired, and also how upset with myself I was. Who has a panic attack while someone is kissing them? Apparently I do. Not to mention the experience was absolutely horrifying, because it felt like I was trapped with P again. The entire thing just made me feel like I need to be alone and stay alone. My subconscious obviously doesn’t feel safe when I’m with someone else.

The next day JJ messaged me and told me that if I ever wanted to talk about it we could. He told me not to feel pressured though and that he understood if it wasn’t easy. I ended up telling him about P on Tuesday night. Not much, just the bare details. JJ hugged me for a long time after I explained what had happened. He didn’t say much about it though except that I can’t blame myself because I was so young.

His reaction made me feel slightly better. I was afraid he was going to think I’m a freak show. I pretty much am though. That whole experience made me realize that I am nowhere near getting over what happened to me. I’m really frustrated with myself for that. But I guess I can’t expect much else when I’ve been running from the pain and the memories. I don’t have any other ideas for how to handle it though. I just want to move on with my life. P stalled my life for 4 years. I don’t want to lose anymore.

After All This Time, Still Broken On The Inside

I needed to post twice tonight. One about what’s going in my life, and another about how I’m feeling on the inside. I wish that I could say that after nearly two years I’m nearly healed. What happened with P still pains me every day though. My mind just can’t seem to process everything that happened between us, everything he did to me. I just hurt when I think about it. There’s not really any detail anymore, just hurt.

Sometimes I have flashbacks. Horrifying memories will invade my thoughts. They make me sick. I cannot believe what he put me through, what I allowed him to do to me. That’s what keeps getting worse. I’m so guilty. I hate myself for letting it all happen. And maybe that’s still him having some sort of hold over me. He still makes me blame myself for everything he did wrong.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a lot happier than I was a year ago. I am finally turning into the person I was meant to be. I know myself now and what I want out of life. That makes things easier. I’m not nearly as insecure as I was coming out of that relationship. I hate the person that I was, not the person that I am now. I just can’t help feel guilty and so sad, because I wonder what I could have been if that had never happened to me.

I keep myself really busy. I’m always active. My mind’s always occupied. I do a lot better when I essentially don’t have time to think about P. The darkness swallows me at night though. I lay in bed, and my heart just aches and burns. I wish I could describe what it feels like. The pain resonates from a place that seems deeper than physically possible. I don’t understand it at all. I have no idea how to heal. All I know is that my heart is broken and I don’t know how to fix it.

Sooner Or Later We All Have To Face Our Inner Demons Alone

“Numbing the pain for a while will only make it worse when you finally feel it.” – Albus Dumbledore

That quote certainly resonated within me. I definitely tried that tactic when P broke up with me. My personal remedy for my pain was to sleep with whatever man happened to give me attention. I also used D as a distraction for a while. And in some ways, I put up with all of the G crap just so I didn’t have to face the deepest hurt of all.

Granted, these tactics obviously didn’t numb me completely. I still had to face my broken heart. They did offer a distraction though. In some ways I thought I could just distract myself from my pain until I fell in love again. Now that I’ve been truly alone for a few months I don’t think that would have ever worked. I have a feeling it would have ruined whatever relationship I happened to be in. No other man or other love is going to heal me. I believe only time and acceptance is going to make this go away.

Perhaps I could use some counselling. Many have suggested this to me. I honestly don’t think it would work for me without the best therapist. I’m extremely reserved. I’m also extremely practiced at lying and pretending I’m okay. I wouldn’t be able to open up to a complete stranger. I know this, which is why I haven’t sought help. Besides, this blog is cathartic for me in many ways. I also have an endless network of support. I feel it does a much better job than many psychologists would do. Granted, I’m sure there are people out there who could help me and I’m not putting down the psychology profession. I just think it would be a challenge for me, personally, to find much relief through therapy.

I guess my point, or my belief rather, is that we all have to face our inner demons alone. No one can fight that battle for us. There are many who can offer support, but in the end it’s you versus your own personal monsters. It can be the hardest struggle. After all, our own minds fostered their creation. In ways we are fighting against our own self.