Sometimes I feel mired in a blur of the past, present and future. All three mix together and send my mind into a whirlwind. Emotions seem to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is real, or a residual affect of something that happened long, long ago.
I don’t trust my mind. Well, I should more say I don’t trust my heart. I have full faith in my logical, rational brain. But you can’t live your life based on facts on figures. Making personal decisions from a solely logical standpoint will leave you sad and alone. The reality is that statistically the chances of a person betraying/hurting you is ridiculously higher than them being a positive influence on your life. So why do we have human interaction at all? There is so much risk every time we open ourselves up to someone else, but we do it anyways. There is just some deep biological aspect of our species that can’t tolerate being alone. I suppose it comes from the fact that there is survival in numbers, so evolution has driven us together rather than apart. But together we still manage to destroy one another. Quite the paradox.
That was a little bit of a tangent from the original point I was trying to make. My mind is a little all over the place these days. I guess you never know where writing is going to take you until you’re there. Or life for that matter.
What I want to know is when are you spending too much time with your significant other? Because by normal standards I am spending way too much time with K. But I don’t have anything better to do. It’s not like I’m giving up anything else. I don’t really have much going on because I’m living at home and working. None of my friends live nearby. So is it bad that we want to spend every night together?
I feel like I have to stay away just for the sake of it. Not because I actually want to. K doesn’t want me to stay away either. So why am I doing it? I just feel like I have to. Even though all I really want is to go over to his apartment. Does that make any sense at all?
I guess the other thing is I’m obviously getting too attached if I want to spend this much time with him. I never had this ridiculous yearn with JJ or G. We’ve been seeing each other for almost a month and a half. We only went more than a day without seeing one another once. That was this past weekend because we both went on trips with friends. The crazy thing is that we were only gone two days and both of us admitted to really missing one another.
I don’t believe in that kind of obsession with another person. I think it only leads to destruction and heartache. P and I spent that much time together and look what happened. Nothing good, that’s for sure. I just don’t know what to do about K. Nothing in me wants to stop. It just seems safer and smarter to stay away.
Girls are always talking about what “type” of guy they are into. Bad boys, athletes, nerds, etc. We all think we know what we like and what we should be looking for. There’s an image in our head of the perfect male who will satisfy all of our criteria. We feel as though we have to someone who is “our type” in order to find that.
My type had always been intellectual. I felt as though I couldn’t get along with someone unless they were on a career path that would end with them being called “doctor”. I am aware that is pretty snobbish. But I didn’t think anything could work with someone who didn’t have a brain to match mine.
I’m still not sure about this. But when I think back to all of the intellectuals I’ve dated and how it’s failed miserably with each one, I start to reevaluate. I recently started dating a new guy. We can call him K. K is not my type AT ALL. In fact, I think if my polar opposite existed in a person it would be him. He’s not book smart and barely scraped by in school. He’s goofy, athletic and outgoing. Never something I though I would go for at all. Yet I am enjoying myself tremendously. I think because he helps me relax and have fun. It’s very odd, but I like it.
So I guess my point is sometimes we think we know what our type is, but we are wrong. I know a lot of girls who stick to a certain type of guy. They never branch out, even though things continuously don’t work out. I think if you’re single, you probably don’t know what you need in a partner. You may think you do, but you don’t. If you did, would you actually still be single?
Why is it that men are applauded for the number of women they sleep with, but a woman who sleeps with many men is a slut? Who decided that? I’d like to have a conversation with them. There’s such a huge social stigma on girls who like to have sex. I don’t even get it. We’re even taught that if we give it up too soon, a guy won’t like us anymore. As if having sex has some bearing on personality at all and I should ignore my physical desires simply to get a man to stick around. Fuck that (excuse the language). If getting physical is going to magically make him uninterested, why should I be interested in the first place?
I should not have to feel embarrassed about the number of men I have slept with. And no one should be allowed to judge me for it either. I’m a smart, independent women who happens to be very in touch with her sexuality. I don’t really see anything wrong with that. I think that everyone should be able to live their life how they want, without society telling them what to do. Sometimes I just want to go out and get laid. That’s biology. It’s a primal urge. And if it’s okay for men to have that urge, then it should be okay for women too. Everyone is equal. We should not hold each other to different standards.
Dating in this day and age is extremely frustrating. We’ve become so technology obsessed that I feel like if, a guy isn’t texting me every day he isn’t interested. The sad thing is in most cases it’s true. We are constantly in contact with one another through social media, smart phones, etc. Sometimes I try and imagine how people dated back in the day of only land lines. It must have been way different.
I would prefer that though. I would prefer for him to have to call and plan the next date, or not speak at all. Texting is a frustrating distraction from real life that doesn’t mean anything. It also causes unnecessary anxiety and allows people to avoid really connecting. I’m so over it. It feels so fake. I struggle to try and convince myself to participate. Yet at the same time I get upset when the person on the other end of the line isn’t participating. It feels like rejection. Simply because texting is so commonplace. Who doesn’t text?
Time to start blogging again. For previous followers, look to my About Me for an update on my life. Things have changed, as they always do. Another failed relationship has me frustrated. A string of bad dates and I’m wondering what on Earth is wrong with me. Oh right, most men can’t handle the 20 year old college graduate thing. I’m starting to wonder if anything is ever going to work out. I intimidate a lot of people. I don’t even know why, because I’m an extremely accepting person. Being really smart shouldn’t make you a social pariah. But for some reason it does…
I currently have the next year off. I’m applying to medical school. I already got accepted to a program that was half in Australia and half in the United States, but it’s way too expensive for me ($80,000+/year). I am super bored, and I feel like my brain is rotting. I’m not in school for the first time in 18 years, and it just feels so wrong to not be learning. It’s what I’m good at after all. I’m also living at home with my parents, which really sucks. I love my family, but the lack of privacy after 4 years on your own is extremely frustrating.
I really need to actually keep up with writing this time. Back in the day, I was pretty good at it. It’s also a fantastic outlet for my boredom and frustration with life at the current moment. And, since I’m being honest right now, I’m still having a lot of issues when it comes to P. It’s literally been two years, and I still can’t shake it. I would say I’m doing better than when I started this journey, but the memories still haunt me every night.
“It’s not about forgetting the past, it’s about accepting the past.”
I was going to write a blog post, but the words won’t come. What I am feeling can’t be typed out. I expect in two weeks time I will begin to be able to sort through all this. For now, I leave you all with a quote:
“I think hell is something you carry around with you, not somewhere you go.”