Sometimes I feel mired in a blur of the past, present and future. All three mix together and send my mind into a whirlwind. Emotions seem to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is real, or a residual affect of something that happened long, long ago.
I don’t trust my mind. Well, I should more say I don’t trust my heart. I have full faith in my logical, rational brain. But you can’t live your life based on facts on figures. Making personal decisions from a solely logical standpoint will leave you sad and alone. The reality is that statistically the chances of a person betraying/hurting you is ridiculously higher than them being a positive influence on your life. So why do we have human interaction at all? There is so much risk every time we open ourselves up to someone else, but we do it anyways. There is just some deep biological aspect of our species that can’t tolerate being alone. I suppose it comes from the fact that there is survival in numbers, so evolution has driven us together rather than apart. But together we still manage to destroy one another. Quite the paradox.
That was a little bit of a tangent from the original point I was trying to make. My mind is a little all over the place these days. I guess you never know where writing is going to take you until you’re there. Or life for that matter.
Girls are always talking about what “type” of guy they are into. Bad boys, athletes, nerds, etc. We all think we know what we like and what we should be looking for. There’s an image in our head of the perfect male who will satisfy all of our criteria. We feel as though we have to someone who is “our type” in order to find that.
My type had always been intellectual. I felt as though I couldn’t get along with someone unless they were on a career path that would end with them being called “doctor”. I am aware that is pretty snobbish. But I didn’t think anything could work with someone who didn’t have a brain to match mine.
I’m still not sure about this. But when I think back to all of the intellectuals I’ve dated and how it’s failed miserably with each one, I start to reevaluate. I recently started dating a new guy. We can call him K. K is not my type AT ALL. In fact, I think if my polar opposite existed in a person it would be him. He’s not book smart and barely scraped by in school. He’s goofy, athletic and outgoing. Never something I though I would go for at all. Yet I am enjoying myself tremendously. I think because he helps me relax and have fun. It’s very odd, but I like it.
So I guess my point is sometimes we think we know what our type is, but we are wrong. I know a lot of girls who stick to a certain type of guy. They never branch out, even though things continuously don’t work out. I think if you’re single, you probably don’t know what you need in a partner. You may think you do, but you don’t. If you did, would you actually still be single?
Why is it that men are applauded for the number of women they sleep with, but a woman who sleeps with many men is a slut? Who decided that? I’d like to have a conversation with them. There’s such a huge social stigma on girls who like to have sex. I don’t even get it. We’re even taught that if we give it up too soon, a guy won’t like us anymore. As if having sex has some bearing on personality at all and I should ignore my physical desires simply to get a man to stick around. Fuck that (excuse the language). If getting physical is going to magically make him uninterested, why should I be interested in the first place?
I should not have to feel embarrassed about the number of men I have slept with. And no one should be allowed to judge me for it either. I’m a smart, independent women who happens to be very in touch with her sexuality. I don’t really see anything wrong with that. I think that everyone should be able to live their life how they want, without society telling them what to do. Sometimes I just want to go out and get laid. That’s biology. It’s a primal urge. And if it’s okay for men to have that urge, then it should be okay for women too. Everyone is equal. We should not hold each other to different standards.
Dating in this day and age is extremely frustrating. We’ve become so technology obsessed that I feel like if, a guy isn’t texting me every day he isn’t interested. The sad thing is in most cases it’s true. We are constantly in contact with one another through social media, smart phones, etc. Sometimes I try and imagine how people dated back in the day of only land lines. It must have been way different.
I would prefer that though. I would prefer for him to have to call and plan the next date, or not speak at all. Texting is a frustrating distraction from real life that doesn’t mean anything. It also causes unnecessary anxiety and allows people to avoid really connecting. I’m so over it. It feels so fake. I struggle to try and convince myself to participate. Yet at the same time I get upset when the person on the other end of the line isn’t participating. It feels like rejection. Simply because texting is so commonplace. Who doesn’t text?
I was going to write a blog post, but the words won’t come. What I am feeling can’t be typed out. I expect in two weeks time I will begin to be able to sort through all this. For now, I leave you all with a quote:
“I think hell is something you carry around with you, not somewhere you go.”
I have just been so exhausted lately. I think it is all the emotion. I am really not used to feeling this much. Last week was not the end of JJ. He decided to remain in Pennsylvania until the end of May. I’m going to stay with him on Thursday. I know this is just putting off the inevitable, but I want to be with him. And I really don’t know how to handle that feeling
I’m broken. I know I’m broken. I do not feel emotions like a normal person. I certainly don’t process them correctly either. My mind has been actively fighting against falling for JJ. It sees caring about somebody as being vulnerable. Vulnerability will get you hurt. And hurt badly. That lesson has been drilled into my brain. I can’t seem to forget it. My mind has been screaming at me not to go back, to stop talking to him and forget about him. The only way to stay safe is to be alone. Self preservation requires isolation and numbness. I have to survive. I can’t get hurt like that again.
There’s another part of me that has awoken though. It actively fights my brain, and pushes me towards JJ. My heart. I honestly wasn’t sure if it would ever work again. I had frozen it in a solid block of ice, forcing myself to forget that I had ever felt love. I still don’t remember what being in love feels like. The memories are twisted with so much darkness that I perceive it as an evil thing. JJ’s kindness has started a slow thaw though. I’m slowly warming up, and starting to believe that good can come from a relationship between a man and a woman. Love might not be possible for JJ and I, but I think I may feel it again one day.
I’m comforted by this. I had previously thought that I might end up alone, because of my inability to feel and trust. I now know that I can. This has not been easy, and if it was going to last longer we would have a lot of work to do. I got lucky in that JJ is very kind and patient. He slowly heals me with gentle touches, and works to convince me that good men do exist in the world. He will probably never know how much he has helped, just by being himself. It’s going to be hard when he leaves, but at least I know some good came out of this experience.
I don’t know how to say goodbye, especially when I have absolutely no desire to. I feel like I have to though. I really can’t make any decisions about my future with JJ around. I get so sad though, because I know he is going to want to try and stay friends. He has kept in contact with all of his exes. I don’t think I can do that though. It will hurt too much.
My method of handling this type of thing is to cut off the person completely and pretend like they never existed. That is easiest for me. The only person I’ve had relations with that I have been able to keep in contact with is D, but that is only because I cut him off for nearly 2 years before reestablishing contact. At the same time though, I feel like it is really cruel to do that to JJ when he has been nothing but kind to me. I also know in different circumstances our relationship would continue.
It’s just so typical of me though, to sacrifice myself so someone else can feel better. Talking to him after he moves is just going to make me so sad. I just wish I didn’t have to make this decision at all. I knew what I was getting myself into in the beginning, and I did it anyways. I think it was worth it, but I’m paying the price now. I’m going to have to be sad for a while.