I think something every victim is waiting for is for some higher power to come down from the skies and say the words, “You are forgiven. It is not your fault.” That’s the hardest part of the recovery process in my opinion. It is very hard to accept that you had no control over the situation. That there is nothing you could have done but survive. I certainly haven’t accepted that. I doubt I ever will.
The other thing that I want is a chance to confront P. Now that I’m strong and independent, I’m not afraid of him anymore. I wish I could make him face what he did to me. I know this isn’t ever going to happen either though. Even if I ever did speak with him again, I doubt he would listen. He would turn my words against me and make it my fault most likely.
So I’m at a loss. The two things I need to move beyond this are basically impossible to achieve. I will never accept that I was a mere victim, that I could not have changed the situation and saved myself. I am also never going to get to see my abuser feel any regret or remorse for what he has done. So how do I move beyond this? Where is closure found? Where is inner peace found? I’ve been searching for the answers to these questions for over 2 years now. I haven’t come any closer to finding them. I wonder if I ever will.
Whenever I’m walking around campus I imagine running into P. I know it could easily happen; we both attend the same university after all. I think about what I would say or do. Of course, there would a be very strong urge to jump in a bush and hide. But I think I’d like to be an adult and just give him a polite nod. A wave would be much to friendly, however completely ignoring him seems childish. Sometimes I wish this moment would happen so I can just get it over with. I know it’s going to happen eventually.
One of my fears is him actually stopping and talking to me. I don’t know if I could handle it. I might just end up turning tail and running. I’d like to be brave, but I wonder if I have it in me. I think I could handle saying something like, “Please just leave me be.” I don’t want to be mean. There really isn’t any anger left in me that is directed at him. All I feel is sadness and hurt over what he did to me. For a while, I tried to hold onto the rage and fury that I felt when I thought about him. I’ve realized that isn’t doing me any good. I’m not ready to forgive though. I don’t know if that will ever happen.
However, my greatest fear right now is running into P while either of us has been drinking. P can get nasty and irrational with too much alcohol. I know he drinks a lot. He probably drinks a lot more now that we aren’t together. Before I left, I could see him spiraling out of control into alcoholism. I know that if I ran into him on a Friday or Saturday night it would be bad. That’s why I avoid going near his fraternity like the plague. The last thing I need is a brother seeing me and saying something to him. This all may sound like me being paranoid, but in this town it could very easily happen. I know it’s not just in my head, because my friends purposefully avoid that area when I’m with them as well.