Sometimes I feel mired in a blur of the past, present and future. All three mix together and send my mind into a whirlwind. Emotions seem to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is real, or a residual affect of something that happened long, long ago.
I don’t trust my mind. Well, I should more say I don’t trust my heart. I have full faith in my logical, rational brain. But you can’t live your life based on facts on figures. Making personal decisions from a solely logical standpoint will leave you sad and alone. The reality is that statistically the chances of a person betraying/hurting you is ridiculously higher than them being a positive influence on your life. So why do we have human interaction at all? There is so much risk every time we open ourselves up to someone else, but we do it anyways. There is just some deep biological aspect of our species that can’t tolerate being alone. I suppose it comes from the fact that there is survival in numbers, so evolution has driven us together rather than apart. But together we still manage to destroy one another. Quite the paradox.
That was a little bit of a tangent from the original point I was trying to make. My mind is a little all over the place these days. I guess you never know where writing is going to take you until you’re there. Or life for that matter.
I seem to have this reaction towards any small amount of emotion that tells my mind to run as far away as fast as you can. Last night I strongly considered ending it with K, simply because I can tell I’m starting to like him. I don’t want to care. When you care you are vulnerable and that’s the problem. My subconscious fights against vulnerability with all of its might. My brain knows what happened the last time I was in a compromised position. It is willing to do anything to keep that from happening again.
It is so much safer and easier to be numb to the outside world. A protective, impregnable wall surrounds my heart. Keeping anything remotely dangerous out. Keeping me safe. Keeping me alive. The truth is if I allowed myself to feel, I’m not sure I could handle it. There’s so much pain locked away from the past and so much uncertainty stemming from the future. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to bleed like that. That level of emotion might drive me insane.
Granted, I’m not completely void of everything. Just the really strong feelings. I still smile and laugh. I’m still happy. I’m just in a very protected state. A sort of lock down that won’t let anything remotely dangerous in. That’s why K is a problem. He’s dangerous. I know it. I want to run.
I realize how crazy this all probably makes me sound. I don’t really want to be like this. But so far it’s what I’ve had to do to live with what happened to me. I’d rather be living than dying. And I honestly think the pain could have killed me if I chose to handle it a different way. For so long my life has just been about surviving. Now that I’m finally living, I fear jeopardizing that more than anything.
Why is it that men are applauded for the number of women they sleep with, but a woman who sleeps with many men is a slut? Who decided that? I’d like to have a conversation with them. There’s such a huge social stigma on girls who like to have sex. I don’t even get it. We’re even taught that if we give it up too soon, a guy won’t like us anymore. As if having sex has some bearing on personality at all and I should ignore my physical desires simply to get a man to stick around. Fuck that (excuse the language). If getting physical is going to magically make him uninterested, why should I be interested in the first place?
I should not have to feel embarrassed about the number of men I have slept with. And no one should be allowed to judge me for it either. I’m a smart, independent women who happens to be very in touch with her sexuality. I don’t really see anything wrong with that. I think that everyone should be able to live their life how they want, without society telling them what to do. Sometimes I just want to go out and get laid. That’s biology. It’s a primal urge. And if it’s okay for men to have that urge, then it should be okay for women too. Everyone is equal. We should not hold each other to different standards.
Dating in this day and age is extremely frustrating. We’ve become so technology obsessed that I feel like if, a guy isn’t texting me every day he isn’t interested. The sad thing is in most cases it’s true. We are constantly in contact with one another through social media, smart phones, etc. Sometimes I try and imagine how people dated back in the day of only land lines. It must have been way different.
I would prefer that though. I would prefer for him to have to call and plan the next date, or not speak at all. Texting is a frustrating distraction from real life that doesn’t mean anything. It also causes unnecessary anxiety and allows people to avoid really connecting. I’m so over it. It feels so fake. I struggle to try and convince myself to participate. Yet at the same time I get upset when the person on the other end of the line isn’t participating. It feels like rejection. Simply because texting is so commonplace. Who doesn’t text?
I was going to write a blog post, but the words won’t come. What I am feeling can’t be typed out. I expect in two weeks time I will begin to be able to sort through all this. For now, I leave you all with a quote:
“I think hell is something you carry around with you, not somewhere you go.”
When I was younger I thought that I would get to a point in life where decisions would come easily. I expected that maturity would allow me the ability to know what to do. I’m quickly learning that it is actually the complete opposite. Decisions keep getting harder and more important. I’m hoping I might be getting better at making them (we’ll see about that), but the thought is seriously weighing on me.
I spent a long time grappling with whether or not to accept this medical school offer that will take me to Australia. I have decided I’m going to take it. While I should be happy that my dream of being a doctor is going to come true, I am absolutely terrified. I know that I will have to leave everything behind. I will be alone in a foreign country. I have to trust that I have the strength to get through anything that happens without the support of my family members. I think that I do, but it’s been a long time since I put that much faith in myself.
I also don’t trust my decision making process. I’m worried I might be making the wrong choice. I have made so many wrong choices in the past. So many terrible decisions that effected me so negatively. I don’t think going to Australia will have such negative outcomes, but I’m still paranoid. It’s just the past. The past that’s still heavy on my mind.
JJ was surprisingly helpful while I was trying to figure out what to do. I know there’s no way he wants me to move half a world away. But after I told him I thought I should do it I just wasn’t sure wasn’t sure if I had the strength, he helped convince me that I could. I guess I just need to have more faith in myself. I have come a long way, and there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to do this. I just need to believe.
I have just been so exhausted lately. I think it is all the emotion. I am really not used to feeling this much. Last week was not the end of JJ. He decided to remain in Pennsylvania until the end of May. I’m going to stay with him on Thursday. I know this is just putting off the inevitable, but I want to be with him. And I really don’t know how to handle that feeling
I’m broken. I know I’m broken. I do not feel emotions like a normal person. I certainly don’t process them correctly either. My mind has been actively fighting against falling for JJ. It sees caring about somebody as being vulnerable. Vulnerability will get you hurt. And hurt badly. That lesson has been drilled into my brain. I can’t seem to forget it. My mind has been screaming at me not to go back, to stop talking to him and forget about him. The only way to stay safe is to be alone. Self preservation requires isolation and numbness. I have to survive. I can’t get hurt like that again.
There’s another part of me that has awoken though. It actively fights my brain, and pushes me towards JJ. My heart. I honestly wasn’t sure if it would ever work again. I had frozen it in a solid block of ice, forcing myself to forget that I had ever felt love. I still don’t remember what being in love feels like. The memories are twisted with so much darkness that I perceive it as an evil thing. JJ’s kindness has started a slow thaw though. I’m slowly warming up, and starting to believe that good can come from a relationship between a man and a woman. Love might not be possible for JJ and I, but I think I may feel it again one day.
I’m comforted by this. I had previously thought that I might end up alone, because of my inability to feel and trust. I now know that I can. This has not been easy, and if it was going to last longer we would have a lot of work to do. I got lucky in that JJ is very kind and patient. He slowly heals me with gentle touches, and works to convince me that good men do exist in the world. He will probably never know how much he has helped, just by being himself. It’s going to be hard when he leaves, but at least I know some good came out of this experience.