How I Survive

I seem to have this reaction towards any small amount of emotion that tells my mind to run as far away as fast as you can. Last night I strongly considered ending it with K, simply because I can tell I’m starting to like him. I don’t want to care. When you care you are vulnerable and that’s the problem. My subconscious fights against vulnerability with all of its might. My brain knows what happened the last time I was in a compromised position. It is willing to do anything to keep that from happening again.

It is so much safer and easier to be numb to the outside world. A protective, impregnable wall surrounds my heart. Keeping anything remotely dangerous out. Keeping me safe. Keeping me alive. The truth is if I allowed myself to feel, I’m not sure I could handle it. There’s so much pain locked away from the past and so much uncertainty stemming from the future. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to bleed like that. That level of emotion might drive me insane.

Granted, I’m not completely void of everything. Just the really strong feelings. I still smile and laugh. I’m still happy. I’m just in a very protected state. A sort of lock down that won’t let anything remotely dangerous in. That’s why K is a problem. He’s dangerous. I know it. I want to run.

I realize how crazy this all probably makes me sound. I don’t really want to be like this. But so far it’s what I’ve had to do to live with what happened to me. I’d rather be living than dying. And I honestly think the pain could have killed me if I chose to handle it a different way. For so long my life has just been about surviving. Now that I’m finally living, I fear jeopardizing that more than anything.

21st Century Dating

To text or not to text? That is the question…

Dating in this day and age is extremely frustrating. We’ve become so technology obsessed that I feel like if, a guy isn’t texting me every day he isn’t interested. The sad thing is in most cases it’s true. We are constantly in contact with one another through social media, smart phones, etc. Sometimes I try and imagine how people dated back in the day of only land lines. It must have been way different.

I would prefer that though. I would prefer for him to have to call and plan the next date, or not speak at all. Texting is a frustrating distraction from real life that doesn’t mean anything. It also causes unnecessary anxiety and allows people to avoid really connecting. I’m so over it. It feels so fake. I struggle to try and convince myself to participate. Yet at the same time I get upset when the person on the other end of the line isn’t participating. It feels like rejection. Simply because texting is so commonplace. Who doesn’t text?

Hell

I was going to write a blog post, but the words won’t come. What I am feeling can’t be typed out. I expect in two weeks time I will begin to be able to sort through all this. For now, I leave you all with a quote:

“I think hell is something you carry around with you, not somewhere you go.”

– Neil Gaiman

A Slow Thaw

I have just been so exhausted lately. I think it is all the emotion. I am really not used to feeling this much. Last week was not the end of JJ. He decided to remain in Pennsylvania until the end of May. I’m going to stay with him on Thursday. I know this is just putting off the inevitable, but I want to be with him. And I really don’t know how to handle that feeling

I’m broken. I know I’m broken. I do not feel emotions like a normal person. I certainly don’t process them correctly either. My mind has been actively fighting against falling for JJ. It sees caring about somebody as being vulnerable. Vulnerability will get you hurt. And hurt badly. That lesson has been drilled into my brain. I can’t seem to forget it. My mind has been screaming at me not to go back, to stop talking to him and forget about him. The only way to stay safe is to be alone. Self preservation requires isolation and numbness. I have to survive. I can’t get hurt like that again.

There’s another part of me that has awoken though. It actively fights my brain, and pushes me towards JJ. My heart. I honestly wasn’t sure if it would ever work again. I had frozen it in a solid block of ice, forcing myself to forget that I had ever felt love. I still don’t remember what being in love feels like. The memories are twisted with so much darkness that I perceive it as an evil thing. JJ’s kindness has started a slow thaw though. I’m slowly warming up, and starting to believe that good can come from a relationship between a man and a woman. Love might not be possible for JJ and I, but I think I may feel it again one day.

I’m comforted by this. I had previously thought that I might end up alone, because of my inability to feel and trust. I now know that I can. This has not been easy, and if it was going to last longer we would have a lot of work to do. I got lucky in that JJ is very kind and patient. He slowly heals me with gentle touches, and works to convince me that good men do exist in the world. He will probably never know how much he has helped, just by being himself. It’s going to be hard when he leaves, but at least I know some good came out of this experience.

Thoroughly Overwhelmed

I’m a hurricane of emotions right now. Absolutely exhausted, but I can’t sleep. There is so much to feel that I am practically shutting down.

I have experienced a thawing of my cold heart at the hands of JJ. He is tender and kind. He never pushes me too far. He is there for me even when I do not want him to be. When I start having a hard time he pulls me into his arms and he will not let go until I calm down. I could not ask for someone to treat me better.

But most likely we are going to have to say goodbye. We haven’t talked about it yet, but I know we can both feel it coming. I graduated from Penn State today. I moved home which is 3 hours away today. I’m going back for a few days next week to stay with JJ before he graduates from the law school. I have a feeling that will be the last time we see one another.

Three days ago I was accepted to a medical school program where you study for two years in Australia and after that two years in the United States. Once you graduate, you can become licensed to practice in both countries. There are a lot of factors to consider but at the moment, I am leaning towards accepting the offer. I know if I do that I need to say goodbye to JJ though. It hurts, but it’s what I’m going to have to do.

Because of all this I am thoroughly overwhelmed. I have not felt so much emotion at once in a very long time. That is the main reason I decided to come home for a few days after graduation. JJ wanted me to stay with him, but I need to figure out what is going on in my head. I have to figure out the next path I’m going to take, and it will be impossible for me to do that with him next to me being as endearing as he is.

I probably sound like I am in love, but I’m totally not. I just did not think it would be possible for anyone to stir my feelings. I have felt nothing for so long and I had absolutely no desire to get close to anyone. JJ has opened me up more than anyone else since P and that has had a profound effect on me. I have a feeling I’m going to go numb again for a little while when I have to let him go, but at least I know now that there are good guys left in this world.

In Another Life

Every day I have this internal debate on whether or not I should end things with JJ. We are getting close. That concerns me a lot. Especially, since he will be moving away in less than a month. It feels like a really, really dumb decision to continue getting more involved with him. Yet I’m doing it anyways.

This past weekend we were essentially a couple. Everyone in our group treated us like we were in a relationship. He even acts like we are in a relationship. He changed his profile picture to one of us together. I was not ready to do that. I wonder what it all means, and if it is even possible for it to go anywhere. I’m not sure if I’m ready for commitment. I do not want to lose my independence. I do not want to come to rely on someone else. And most importantly, I do not want my heart broken again.

Sometimes I think I may end up alone. I’m kind of okay with it. I want to have a career in medicine. I’m not going to sacrifice study time or hours in the hospital for a relationship. It won’t be worth it, because I’ve spent my entire life working to be a doctor. I’m going to be moving for med school, then again for residency and probably again for a fellowship. I honestly will not be ready to settle down for ten years. I just have a feeling that not very men will want to be with a woman like that. I can’t blame them. In ways it is very selfish, but I have spent my entire life preparing for this. I’m not going to give it up for a person that has the potential to break my heart.

JJ isn’t going to last. I know that. I’ve known it since the very beginning. It makes me sad though, because there is potential. Maybe in another life it could have become something. Not in this one though.

The Best Days Are Yet To Come

I think for the first time in my life I’m really living in the moment. Graduation is bearing down on me and I just can’t bare the thought of such a huge life alteration coming my way. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. My life is just going to become very different. So for these last three weeks I will live for today, and not try and plan for what’s to come.

Today involves driving to DC for the cherry blossom festival. I’m excited for it because I’m going with JJ, S and a bunch of other friends. It will be interesting to see how it is spending the entire weekend with JJ. I haven’t spent this much time with a man since P. We will be spending three nights together. It’s not a lot, but it’s a lot for me. I’ve gotten used to being alone and having my own space. My privacy is my solitude. It’s probably a good thing that I’m mixing things up a bit. Otherwise I am going to end up turning into a crazy cat lady.

I also finally feel like I’m living life and having real experiences. I’m going to remember these last few weeks of school fondly. Not like last semester which was just a blur of blacked out, drunken nights. Granted I haven’t been completely sober, but drinking isn’t the core of my social life anymore. It’s refreshing having real conversations with people rather than shouting over loud music. I’m also going a lot more places rather than just going to parties. It feels like my life is finally getting going and it feels good. The best days are yet to come.