Why Take The Risk?

Sometimes I feel mired in a blur of the past, present and future. All three mix together and send my mind into a whirlwind. Emotions seem to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is real, or a residual affect of something that happened long, long ago.

I don’t trust my mind. Well, I should more say I don’t trust my heart. I have full faith in my logical, rational brain. But you can’t live your life based on facts on figures. Making personal decisions from a solely logical standpoint will leave you sad and alone. The reality is that statistically the chances of a person betraying/hurting you is ridiculously higher than them being a positive influence on your life. So why do we have human interaction at all? There is so much risk every time we open ourselves up to someone else, but we do it anyways. There is just some deep biological aspect of our species that can’t tolerate being alone. I suppose it comes from the fact that there is survival in numbers, so evolution has driven us together rather than apart. But together we still manage to destroy one another. Quite the paradox.

That was a little bit of a tangent from the original point I was trying to make. My mind is a little all over the place these days.  I guess you never know where writing is going to take you until you’re there. Or life for that matter.

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How I Survive

I seem to have this reaction towards any small amount of emotion that tells my mind to run as far away as fast as you can. Last night I strongly considered ending it with K, simply because I can tell I’m starting to like him. I don’t want to care. When you care you are vulnerable and that’s the problem. My subconscious fights against vulnerability with all of its might. My brain knows what happened the last time I was in a compromised position. It is willing to do anything to keep that from happening again.

It is so much safer and easier to be numb to the outside world. A protective, impregnable wall surrounds my heart. Keeping anything remotely dangerous out. Keeping me safe. Keeping me alive. The truth is if I allowed myself to feel, I’m not sure I could handle it. There’s so much pain locked away from the past and so much uncertainty stemming from the future. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to bleed like that. That level of emotion might drive me insane.

Granted, I’m not completely void of everything. Just the really strong feelings. I still smile and laugh. I’m still happy. I’m just in a very protected state. A sort of lock down that won’t let anything remotely dangerous in. That’s why K is a problem. He’s dangerous. I know it. I want to run.

I realize how crazy this all probably makes me sound. I don’t really want to be like this. But so far it’s what I’ve had to do to live with what happened to me. I’d rather be living than dying. And I honestly think the pain could have killed me if I chose to handle it a different way. For so long my life has just been about surviving. Now that I’m finally living, I fear jeopardizing that more than anything.

Haunting Questions

I read through some of my old posts today. I don’t think I ever realized quite how sad and tormented I sounded sometimes. I desperately tried to shine a positive light on my situation, but it was fleeting and I failed miserably. My struggle came from the fact that I could not express what I was feeling in words. No amount of adjectives could properly describe the agony. Raw, broken, empty, numb, lifeless. There is no word that can properly depict that level of pain.

It’s been almost exactly two years since the last time I saw P. Am I pathetic for still being tortured by what I went through? I am pretty happy. My life has gotten progressively better since that fateful day that I walked away. I have regular slumps, but everything seems to be in an upward trend. This is just during the day though. At night, I can’t fight anymore and the memories come rolling back. Something about the quiet darkness opens the flood gates. It’s still just as painful, not raw anymore but I hurt so much on the inside.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could ask why and get him to explain. I want to know if he actually remembers what he did to me. If he was lying when he says he was blacked out and has no idea. I want to know if there is any amount of remorse or regret. I just don’t understand his mind, what happened and why it all got so bad. And I think one of the most frustrating parts of trying to heal are all of these unanswered questions. The sad truth is I’m never going to get any closure. Those questions are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Haunted

Time to start blogging again. For previous followers, look to my About Me for an update on my life. Things have changed, as they always do. Another failed relationship has me frustrated. A string of bad dates and I’m wondering what on Earth is wrong with me. Oh right, most men can’t handle the 20 year old college graduate thing. I’m starting to wonder if anything is ever going to work out. I intimidate a lot of people. I don’t even know why, because I’m an extremely accepting person. Being really smart shouldn’t make you a social pariah. But for some reason it does…

I currently have the next year off. I’m applying to medical school. I already got accepted to a program that was half in Australia and half in the United States, but it’s way too expensive for me ($80,000+/year). I am super bored, and I feel like my brain is rotting. I’m not in school for the first time in 18 years, and it just feels so wrong to not be learning. It’s what I’m good at after all. I’m also living at home with my parents, which really sucks. I love my family, but the lack of privacy after 4 years on your own is extremely frustrating.

I really need to actually keep up with writing this time. Back in the day, I was pretty good at it. It’s also a fantastic outlet for my boredom and frustration with life at the current moment. And, since I’m being honest right now, I’m still having a lot of issues when it comes to P. It’s literally been two years, and I still can’t shake it. I would say I’m doing better than when I started this journey, but the memories still haunt me every night.

“It’s not about forgetting the past, it’s about accepting the past.”

-Melanie Koulouris

Hell

I was going to write a blog post, but the words won’t come. What I am feeling can’t be typed out. I expect in two weeks time I will begin to be able to sort through all this. For now, I leave you all with a quote:

“I think hell is something you carry around with you, not somewhere you go.”

– Neil Gaiman

A Slow Thaw

I have just been so exhausted lately. I think it is all the emotion. I am really not used to feeling this much. Last week was not the end of JJ. He decided to remain in Pennsylvania until the end of May. I’m going to stay with him on Thursday. I know this is just putting off the inevitable, but I want to be with him. And I really don’t know how to handle that feeling

I’m broken. I know I’m broken. I do not feel emotions like a normal person. I certainly don’t process them correctly either. My mind has been actively fighting against falling for JJ. It sees caring about somebody as being vulnerable. Vulnerability will get you hurt. And hurt badly. That lesson has been drilled into my brain. I can’t seem to forget it. My mind has been screaming at me not to go back, to stop talking to him and forget about him. The only way to stay safe is to be alone. Self preservation requires isolation and numbness. I have to survive. I can’t get hurt like that again.

There’s another part of me that has awoken though. It actively fights my brain, and pushes me towards JJ. My heart. I honestly wasn’t sure if it would ever work again. I had frozen it in a solid block of ice, forcing myself to forget that I had ever felt love. I still don’t remember what being in love feels like. The memories are twisted with so much darkness that I perceive it as an evil thing. JJ’s kindness has started a slow thaw though. I’m slowly warming up, and starting to believe that good can come from a relationship between a man and a woman. Love might not be possible for JJ and I, but I think I may feel it again one day.

I’m comforted by this. I had previously thought that I might end up alone, because of my inability to feel and trust. I now know that I can. This has not been easy, and if it was going to last longer we would have a lot of work to do. I got lucky in that JJ is very kind and patient. He slowly heals me with gentle touches, and works to convince me that good men do exist in the world. He will probably never know how much he has helped, just by being himself. It’s going to be hard when he leaves, but at least I know some good came out of this experience.

A Setback On The Road To Recovery

I had a bit of a setback. Okay, it wasn’t a bit of a setback. It was a pretty large one. On Sunday, JJ and I were fooling around. He was touching me, and out of nowhere in my mind he just morphed into P. Suddenly, his hands were P’s hand and I felt like I had been rocketed back in time. I started to get really scared, and pretty soon I was hyperventilating. The logical part of me knew that it was JJ and not P, but some other part of my mind had taken over. I had to tell him to stop, because I was about to go into a full blown panic attack.

I sat up and I was shaking. JJ was, of course, very concerned. I told him that bad things had happened to me and sometimes I get freaked out. I was absolutely mortified and embarrassed by the fact that I reacted that way. I was so upset. But JJ was good. He hugged me and told me not to worry about it. He told me to make sure I told him right away if I ever started to feel uncomfortable.

After I left his place, I was pretty convinced I was never going back. I wanted to run from what had just transpired, and also how upset with myself I was. Who has a panic attack while someone is kissing them? Apparently I do. Not to mention the experience was absolutely horrifying, because it felt like I was trapped with P again. The entire thing just made me feel like I need to be alone and stay alone. My subconscious obviously doesn’t feel safe when I’m with someone else.

The next day JJ messaged me and told me that if I ever wanted to talk about it we could. He told me not to feel pressured though and that he understood if it wasn’t easy. I ended up telling him about P on Tuesday night. Not much, just the bare details. JJ hugged me for a long time after I explained what had happened. He didn’t say much about it though except that I can’t blame myself because I was so young.

His reaction made me feel slightly better. I was afraid he was going to think I’m a freak show. I pretty much am though. That whole experience made me realize that I am nowhere near getting over what happened to me. I’m really frustrated with myself for that. But I guess I can’t expect much else when I’ve been running from the pain and the memories. I don’t have any other ideas for how to handle it though. I just want to move on with my life. P stalled my life for 4 years. I don’t want to lose anymore.