How I Survive

I seem to have this reaction towards any small amount of emotion that tells my mind to run as far away as fast as you can. Last night I strongly considered ending it with K, simply because I can tell I’m starting to like him. I don’t want to care. When you care you are vulnerable and that’s the problem. My subconscious fights against vulnerability with all of its might. My brain knows what happened the last time I was in a compromised position. It is willing to do anything to keep that from happening again.

It is so much safer and easier to be numb to the outside world. A protective, impregnable wall surrounds my heart. Keeping anything remotely dangerous out. Keeping me safe. Keeping me alive. The truth is if I allowed myself to feel, I’m not sure I could handle it. There’s so much pain locked away from the past and so much uncertainty stemming from the future. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to bleed like that. That level of emotion might drive me insane.

Granted, I’m not completely void of everything. Just the really strong feelings. I still smile and laugh. I’m still happy. I’m just in a very protected state. A sort of lock down that won’t let anything remotely dangerous in. That’s why K is a problem. He’s dangerous. I know it. I want to run.

I realize how crazy this all probably makes me sound. I don’t really want to be like this. But so far it’s what I’ve had to do to live with what happened to me. I’d rather be living than dying. And I honestly think the pain could have killed me if I chose to handle it a different way. For so long my life has just been about surviving. Now that I’m finally living, I fear jeopardizing that more than anything.

What Am I To You? (And an aside on coping mechanisms)

No word from D in 3 days. He hasn’t been online where we usually IM. He hasn’t texted me. I know he went back to school on Thursday, back to his ex-girlfriend who he still sees. That’s probably why I haven’t heard from him. That hurts though. It’s like he’s withdrawing from the great night we had together. He’ll be back though. This isn’t over. I have no doubt about that. But how long do I have to wait? How long should I let him string me along? I don’t want to add more pain to the enormous heap of hurt I’m already trying to deal with. All I want is some transparency. Our relationship is mysterious, a grey area. There is no black and white anywhere. I just want to know how he feels about me. Though I fear asking the question, because I fear the answer. Not to mention there’s a large chance he would still conceal his feelings even if I asked. So what can I do, but sit here and wait? It certainly is frustrating. My take charge, get it done, solve the problem personality revolts against sitting idol and waiting for something to happen.

I certainly have been very idol. I think that’s why my brain’s getting so wrapped up in all this. I’m on Winter Break from school right now, so I have no classwork to worry about. Not to mention, I’ve been feeling ill lately so I haven’t been able to work out or run like I normally do. If you are ever stressed about anything, I highly recommend exercise. It releases endorphins that make you feel happy. Not to mention if you work your body to physical exhaustion, you won’t be able to worry about anything else. It’s been one of my best coping methods. Physical pain is definitely preferable to emotional pain in my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t exercise to the point of injury. But when I work out, I go hard and it’s very effective. I need to start feeling better so I can do it again. I have a feeling I’ll be much more relaxed about everything that’s going on with D.