I think something every victim is waiting for is for some higher power to come down from the skies and say the words, “You are forgiven. It is not your fault.” That’s the hardest part of the recovery process in my opinion. It is very hard to accept that you had no control over the situation. That there is nothing you could have done but survive. I certainly haven’t accepted that. I doubt I ever will.
The other thing that I want is a chance to confront P. Now that I’m strong and independent, I’m not afraid of him anymore. I wish I could make him face what he did to me. I know this isn’t ever going to happen either though. Even if I ever did speak with him again, I doubt he would listen. He would turn my words against me and make it my fault most likely.
So I’m at a loss. The two things I need to move beyond this are basically impossible to achieve. I will never accept that I was a mere victim, that I could not have changed the situation and saved myself. I am also never going to get to see my abuser feel any regret or remorse for what he has done. So how do I move beyond this? Where is closure found? Where is inner peace found? I’ve been searching for the answers to these questions for over 2 years now. I haven’t come any closer to finding them. I wonder if I ever will.
I read through some of my old posts today. I don’t think I ever realized quite how sad and tormented I sounded sometimes. I desperately tried to shine a positive light on my situation, but it was fleeting and I failed miserably. My struggle came from the fact that I could not express what I was feeling in words. No amount of adjectives could properly describe the agony. Raw, broken, empty, numb, lifeless. There is no word that can properly depict that level of pain.
It’s been almost exactly two years since the last time I saw P. Am I pathetic for still being tortured by what I went through? I am pretty happy. My life has gotten progressively better since that fateful day that I walked away. I have regular slumps, but everything seems to be in an upward trend. This is just during the day though. At night, I can’t fight anymore and the memories come rolling back. Something about the quiet darkness opens the flood gates. It’s still just as painful, not raw anymore but I hurt so much on the inside.
Sometimes I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could ask why and get him to explain. I want to know if he actually remembers what he did to me. If he was lying when he says he was blacked out and has no idea. I want to know if there is any amount of remorse or regret. I just don’t understand his mind, what happened and why it all got so bad. And I think one of the most frustrating parts of trying to heal are all of these unanswered questions. The sad truth is I’m never going to get any closure. Those questions are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.