I think something every victim is waiting for is for some higher power to come down from the skies and say the words, “You are forgiven. It is not your fault.” That’s the hardest part of the recovery process in my opinion. It is very hard to accept that you had no control over the situation. That there is nothing you could have done but survive. I certainly haven’t accepted that. I doubt I ever will.
The other thing that I want is a chance to confront P. Now that I’m strong and independent, I’m not afraid of him anymore. I wish I could make him face what he did to me. I know this isn’t ever going to happen either though. Even if I ever did speak with him again, I doubt he would listen. He would turn my words against me and make it my fault most likely.
So I’m at a loss. The two things I need to move beyond this are basically impossible to achieve. I will never accept that I was a mere victim, that I could not have changed the situation and saved myself. I am also never going to get to see my abuser feel any regret or remorse for what he has done. So how do I move beyond this? Where is closure found? Where is inner peace found? I’ve been searching for the answers to these questions for over 2 years now. I haven’t come any closer to finding them. I wonder if I ever will.
What gives a person strength? Why do some of us have the power to pull through, while others fall apart? These questions trouble me. I feel as though there is no answer to them. Observing the people around me, I see many who falter at the slightest hiccup in their lives. I wonder why we get so wrapped up in the little issues that bother us. Just the other day, S broke down about meeting Bryan’s mom. She literally started crying. Maybe I’m being a little harsh, but I thought that reaction was a little melodramatic. I suppose everything in life is relative. Perhaps that was hard for her because she has never had to go through anything more challenging. Then again, there are people who go through hard times and just can’t handle it. They fall apart. I wonder if it’s something you’re born with, or if life can condition you to be strong. I feel like it’s a little bit of both.
My friends say I am a very strong person. Sometimes I agree with this…other times I think I’m pretty weak. I’ve been through a lot in my life. Especially in recent years, I endured a lot with P. But I feel if I really had strength I would have been able to leave him. Was it really tough to handle all he put me through? Wouldn’t it have been tougher if I had been able to shut the door on him? I have a lot of guilt that stems from these questions. Sometimes I think I don’t deserve to be called a strong person because I couldn’t end it by myself. I certainly would not have been raped if I had that strength. I could have saved myself from a lot of hurt. I knew what P was capable of and yet I stayed with him. What does that say about me?
Writing about this hurts. I have a lot of confusion inside. How much blame should be placed on P? How much on me? It hurts every time someone asks me why I didn’t leave sooner. The judgement in their eyes burns through me, deepening this sense of guilt. I don’t know how to feel. All of the blame cannot be placed on P. That’s just not the way it works. There are two people in every relationship. So what was my role? Do I have the right to call myself strong? I try to work towards the answers of these questions. But I feel like a chicken with its head cut off, running in circles.