I seem to have this reaction towards any small amount of emotion that tells my mind to run as far away as fast as you can. Last night I strongly considered ending it with K, simply because I can tell I’m starting to like him. I don’t want to care. When you care you are vulnerable and that’s the problem. My subconscious fights against vulnerability with all of its might. My brain knows what happened the last time I was in a compromised position. It is willing to do anything to keep that from happening again.
It is so much safer and easier to be numb to the outside world. A protective, impregnable wall surrounds my heart. Keeping anything remotely dangerous out. Keeping me safe. Keeping me alive. The truth is if I allowed myself to feel, I’m not sure I could handle it. There’s so much pain locked away from the past and so much uncertainty stemming from the future. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to bleed like that. That level of emotion might drive me insane.
Granted, I’m not completely void of everything. Just the really strong feelings. I still smile and laugh. I’m still happy. I’m just in a very protected state. A sort of lock down that won’t let anything remotely dangerous in. That’s why K is a problem. He’s dangerous. I know it. I want to run.
I realize how crazy this all probably makes me sound. I don’t really want to be like this. But so far it’s what I’ve had to do to live with what happened to me. I’d rather be living than dying. And I honestly think the pain could have killed me if I chose to handle it a different way. For so long my life has just been about surviving. Now that I’m finally living, I fear jeopardizing that more than anything.