How Much Is Too Much?

What I want to know is when are you spending too much time with your significant other? Because by normal standards I am spending way too much time with K. But I don’t have anything better to do. It’s not like I’m giving up anything else. I don’t really have much going on because I’m living at home and working. None of my friends live nearby. So is it bad that we want to spend every night together?

I feel like I have to stay away just for the sake of it. Not because I actually want to. K doesn’t want me to stay away either. So why am I doing it? I just feel like I have to. Even though all I really want is to go over to his apartment. Does that make any sense at all?

I guess the other thing is I’m obviously getting too attached if I want to spend this much time with him. I never had this ridiculous yearn with JJ or G. We’ve been seeing each other for almost a month and a half. We only went more than a day without seeing one another once. That was this past weekend because we both went on trips with friends. The crazy thing is that we were only gone two days and both of us admitted to really missing one another.

I don’t believe in that kind of obsession with another person. I think it only leads to destruction and heartache. P and I spent that much time together and look what happened. Nothing good, that’s for sure. I just don’t know what to do about K. Nothing in me wants to stop. It just seems safer and smarter to stay away.

How I Survive

I seem to have this reaction towards any small amount of emotion that tells my mind to run as far away as fast as you can. Last night I strongly considered ending it with K, simply because I can tell I’m starting to like him. I don’t want to care. When you care you are vulnerable and that’s the problem. My subconscious fights against vulnerability with all of its might. My brain knows what happened the last time I was in a compromised position. It is willing to do anything to keep that from happening again.

It is so much safer and easier to be numb to the outside world. A protective, impregnable wall surrounds my heart. Keeping anything remotely dangerous out. Keeping me safe. Keeping me alive. The truth is if I allowed myself to feel, I’m not sure I could handle it. There’s so much pain locked away from the past and so much uncertainty stemming from the future. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to bleed like that. That level of emotion might drive me insane.

Granted, I’m not completely void of everything. Just the really strong feelings. I still smile and laugh. I’m still happy. I’m just in a very protected state. A sort of lock down that won’t let anything remotely dangerous in. That’s why K is a problem. He’s dangerous. I know it. I want to run.

I realize how crazy this all probably makes me sound. I don’t really want to be like this. But so far it’s what I’ve had to do to live with what happened to me. I’d rather be living than dying. And I honestly think the pain could have killed me if I chose to handle it a different way. For so long my life has just been about surviving. Now that I’m finally living, I fear jeopardizing that more than anything.

Dawn

It’s the fight from within, a battle to survive
No one knows the storm that’s brewing inside
A smile on your face, shine out to the world
Auras of perfection radiating from the perfect girl

But behind closed doors you crack, behind closed doors you break
That beautiful mask crumbles from your face
Fall to your knees, curl up on the floor
Feel the raw pain surging from your core

Unable to move, trapped by the heavy weight of night
No longer able to find the will to fight
Succumbing to many a sleepless hour, fitful tosses and turns
The emptiness inside continues to burn

Finally you’ve had enough, shining eyes turn to the sky
The first rays of dawn signal a brand new day
A newfound strength, discovered in the orange glow
A courage to face the world with a broken heart in tow

The Type Problem

Girls are always talking about what “type” of guy they are into. Bad boys, athletes, nerds, etc. We all think we know what we like and what we should be looking for. There’s an image in our head of the perfect male who will satisfy all of our criteria. We feel as though we have to someone who is “our type” in order to find that.

My type had always been intellectual. I felt as though I couldn’t get along with someone unless they were on a career path that would end with them being called “doctor”. I am aware that is pretty snobbish. But I didn’t think anything could work with someone who didn’t have a brain to match mine.

I’m still not sure about this. But when I think back to all of the intellectuals I’ve dated and how it’s failed miserably with each one, I start to reevaluate. I recently started dating a new guy. We can call him K. K is not my type AT ALL. In fact, I think if my polar opposite existed in a person it would be him. He’s not book smart and barely scraped by in school. He’s goofy, athletic and outgoing. Never something I though I would go for at all. Yet I am enjoying myself tremendously. I think because he helps me relax and have fun. It’s very odd, but I like it.

So I guess my point is sometimes we think we know what our type is, but we are wrong. I know a lot of girls who stick to a certain type of guy. They never branch out, even though things continuously don’t work out. I think if you’re single, you probably don’t know what you need in a partner. You may think you do, but you don’t. If you did, would you actually still be single?

Haunting Questions

I read through some of my old posts today. I don’t think I ever realized quite how sad and tormented I sounded sometimes. I desperately tried to shine a positive light on my situation, but it was fleeting and I failed miserably. My struggle came from the fact that I could not express what I was feeling in words. No amount of adjectives could properly describe the agony. Raw, broken, empty, numb, lifeless. There is no word that can properly depict that level of pain.

It’s been almost exactly two years since the last time I saw P. Am I pathetic for still being tortured by what I went through? I am pretty happy. My life has gotten progressively better since that fateful day that I walked away. I have regular slumps, but everything seems to be in an upward trend. This is just during the day though. At night, I can’t fight anymore and the memories come rolling back. Something about the quiet darkness opens the flood gates. It’s still just as painful, not raw anymore but I hurt so much on the inside.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could ask why and get him to explain. I want to know if he actually remembers what he did to me. If he was lying when he says he was blacked out and has no idea. I want to know if there is any amount of remorse or regret. I just don’t understand his mind, what happened and why it all got so bad. And I think one of the most frustrating parts of trying to heal are all of these unanswered questions. The sad truth is I’m never going to get any closure. Those questions are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.