I’m a hurricane of emotions right now. Absolutely exhausted, but I can’t sleep. There is so much to feel that I am practically shutting down.
I have experienced a thawing of my cold heart at the hands of JJ. He is tender and kind. He never pushes me too far. He is there for me even when I do not want him to be. When I start having a hard time he pulls me into his arms and he will not let go until I calm down. I could not ask for someone to treat me better.
But most likely we are going to have to say goodbye. We haven’t talked about it yet, but I know we can both feel it coming. I graduated from Penn State today. I moved home which is 3 hours away today. I’m going back for a few days next week to stay with JJ before he graduates from the law school. I have a feeling that will be the last time we see one another.
Three days ago I was accepted to a medical school program where you study for two years in Australia and after that two years in the United States. Once you graduate, you can become licensed to practice in both countries. There are a lot of factors to consider but at the moment, I am leaning towards accepting the offer. I know if I do that I need to say goodbye to JJ though. It hurts, but it’s what I’m going to have to do.
Because of all this I am thoroughly overwhelmed. I have not felt so much emotion at once in a very long time. That is the main reason I decided to come home for a few days after graduation. JJ wanted me to stay with him, but I need to figure out what is going on in my head. I have to figure out the next path I’m going to take, and it will be impossible for me to do that with him next to me being as endearing as he is.
I probably sound like I am in love, but I’m totally not. I just did not think it would be possible for anyone to stir my feelings. I have felt nothing for so long and I had absolutely no desire to get close to anyone. JJ has opened me up more than anyone else since P and that has had a profound effect on me. I have a feeling I’m going to go numb again for a little while when I have to let him go, but at least I know now that there are good guys left in this world.