Every day I have this internal debate on whether or not I should end things with JJ. We are getting close. That concerns me a lot. Especially, since he will be moving away in less than a month. It feels like a really, really dumb decision to continue getting more involved with him. Yet I’m doing it anyways.
This past weekend we were essentially a couple. Everyone in our group treated us like we were in a relationship. He even acts like we are in a relationship. He changed his profile picture to one of us together. I was not ready to do that. I wonder what it all means, and if it is even possible for it to go anywhere. I’m not sure if I’m ready for commitment. I do not want to lose my independence. I do not want to come to rely on someone else. And most importantly, I do not want my heart broken again.
Sometimes I think I may end up alone. I’m kind of okay with it. I want to have a career in medicine. I’m not going to sacrifice study time or hours in the hospital for a relationship. It won’t be worth it, because I’ve spent my entire life working to be a doctor. I’m going to be moving for med school, then again for residency and probably again for a fellowship. I honestly will not be ready to settle down for ten years. I just have a feeling that not very men will want to be with a woman like that. I can’t blame them. In ways it is very selfish, but I have spent my entire life preparing for this. I’m not going to give it up for a person that has the potential to break my heart.
JJ isn’t going to last. I know that. I’ve known it since the very beginning. It makes me sad though, because there is potential. Maybe in another life it could have become something. Not in this one though.