A Setback On The Road To Recovery

I had a bit of a setback. Okay, it wasn’t a bit of a setback. It was a pretty large one. On Sunday, JJ and I were fooling around. He was touching me, and out of nowhere in my mind he just morphed into P. Suddenly, his hands were P’s hand and I felt like I had been rocketed back in time. I started to get really scared, and pretty soon I was hyperventilating. The logical part of me knew that it was JJ and not P, but some other part of my mind had taken over. I had to tell him to stop, because I was about to go into a full blown panic attack.

I sat up and I was shaking. JJ was, of course, very concerned. I told him that bad things had happened to me and sometimes I get freaked out. I was absolutely mortified and embarrassed by the fact that I reacted that way. I was so upset. But JJ was good. He hugged me and told me not to worry about it. He told me to make sure I told him right away if I ever started to feel uncomfortable.

After I left his place, I was pretty convinced I was never going back. I wanted to run from what had just transpired, and also how upset with myself I was. Who has a panic attack while someone is kissing them? Apparently I do. Not to mention the experience was absolutely horrifying, because it felt like I was trapped with P again. The entire thing just made me feel like I need to be alone and stay alone. My subconscious obviously doesn’t feel safe when I’m with someone else.

The next day JJ messaged me and told me that if I ever wanted to talk about it we could. He told me not to feel pressured though and that he understood if it wasn’t easy. I ended up telling him about P on Tuesday night. Not much, just the bare details. JJ hugged me for a long time after I explained what had happened. He didn’t say much about it though except that I can’t blame myself because I was so young.

His reaction made me feel slightly better. I was afraid he was going to think I’m a freak show. I pretty much am though. That whole experience made me realize that I am nowhere near getting over what happened to me. I’m really frustrated with myself for that. But I guess I can’t expect much else when I’ve been running from the pain and the memories. I don’t have any other ideas for how to handle it though. I just want to move on with my life. P stalled my life for 4 years. I don’t want to lose anymore.


2 thoughts on “A Setback On The Road To Recovery

  1. It hasn’t been a long time. I know you want to move on with your life, but after 4 years, you’re still just learning how to crawl. There’s no shame in that. Nobody expects you to just be over it and you shouldn’t either. You’re not a freak show. You HAVE to stop feeling guilty for this. YOU were the victim. Are you seeing a therapist?

  2. To do that, get that far, you’re doing awesome! I’m only just coming to terms with everything, and it’s been 8 years. Hugs hun. I’m here, and I’m so happy for you though. I’m only just getting to the place where I want a relationship, and it’s scary. I’m scared. You have a right to be scared. It makes us a little more wary, but we’ll be able to overcome this.

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