I needed to post twice tonight. One about what’s going in my life, and another about how I’m feeling on the inside. I wish that I could say that after nearly two years I’m nearly healed. What happened with P still pains me every day though. My mind just can’t seem to process everything that happened between us, everything he did to me. I just hurt when I think about it. There’s not really any detail anymore, just hurt.
Sometimes I have flashbacks. Horrifying memories will invade my thoughts. They make me sick. I cannot believe what he put me through, what I allowed him to do to me. That’s what keeps getting worse. I’m so guilty. I hate myself for letting it all happen. And maybe that’s still him having some sort of hold over me. He still makes me blame myself for everything he did wrong.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a lot happier than I was a year ago. I am finally turning into the person I was meant to be. I know myself now and what I want out of life. That makes things easier. I’m not nearly as insecure as I was coming out of that relationship. I hate the person that I was, not the person that I am now. I just can’t help feel guilty and so sad, because I wonder what I could have been if that had never happened to me.
I keep myself really busy. I’m always active. My mind’s always occupied. I do a lot better when I essentially don’t have time to think about P. The darkness swallows me at night though. I lay in bed, and my heart just aches and burns. I wish I could describe what it feels like. The pain resonates from a place that seems deeper than physically possible. I don’t understand it at all. I have no idea how to heal. All I know is that my heart is broken and I don’t know how to fix it.