In Another Life

Every day I have this internal debate on whether or not I should end things with JJ. We are getting close. That concerns me a lot. Especially, since he will be moving away in less than a month. It feels like a really, really dumb decision to continue getting more involved with him. Yet I’m doing it anyways.

This past weekend we were essentially a couple. Everyone in our group treated us like we were in a relationship. He even acts like we are in a relationship. He changed his profile picture to one of us together. I was not ready to do that. I wonder what it all means, and if it is even possible for it to go anywhere. I’m not sure if I’m ready for commitment. I do not want to lose my independence. I do not want to come to rely on someone else. And most importantly, I do not want my heart broken again.

Sometimes I think I may end up alone. I’m kind of okay with it. I want to have a career in medicine. I’m not going to sacrifice study time or hours in the hospital for a relationship. It won’t be worth it, because I’ve spent my entire life working to be a doctor. I’m going to be moving for med school, then again for residency and probably again for a fellowship. I honestly will not be ready to settle down for ten years. I just have a feeling that not very men will want to be with a woman like that. I can’t blame them. In ways it is very selfish, but I have spent my entire life preparing for this. I’m not going to give it up for a person that has the potential to break my heart.

JJ isn’t going to last. I know that. I’ve known it since the very beginning. It makes me sad though, because there is potential. Maybe in another life it could have become something. Not in this one though.

A Setback On The Road To Recovery

I had a bit of a setback. Okay, it wasn’t a bit of a setback. It was a pretty large one. On Sunday, JJ and I were fooling around. He was touching me, and out of nowhere in my mind he just morphed into P. Suddenly, his hands were P’s hand and I felt like I had been rocketed back in time. I started to get really scared, and pretty soon I was hyperventilating. The logical part of me knew that it was JJ and not P, but some other part of my mind had taken over. I had to tell him to stop, because I was about to go into a full blown panic attack.

I sat up and I was shaking. JJ was, of course, very concerned. I told him that bad things had happened to me and sometimes I get freaked out. I was absolutely mortified and embarrassed by the fact that I reacted that way. I was so upset. But JJ was good. He hugged me and told me not to worry about it. He told me to make sure I told him right away if I ever started to feel uncomfortable.

After I left his place, I was pretty convinced I was never going back. I wanted to run from what had just transpired, and also how upset with myself I was. Who has a panic attack while someone is kissing them? Apparently I do. Not to mention the experience was absolutely horrifying, because it felt like I was trapped with P again. The entire thing just made me feel like I need to be alone and stay alone. My subconscious obviously doesn’t feel safe when I’m with someone else.

The next day JJ messaged me and told me that if I ever wanted to talk about it we could. He told me not to feel pressured though and that he understood if it wasn’t easy. I ended up telling him about P on Tuesday night. Not much, just the bare details. JJ hugged me for a long time after I explained what had happened. He didn’t say much about it though except that I can’t blame myself because I was so young.

His reaction made me feel slightly better. I was afraid he was going to think I’m a freak show. I pretty much am though. That whole experience made me realize that I am nowhere near getting over what happened to me. I’m really frustrated with myself for that. But I guess I can’t expect much else when I’ve been running from the pain and the memories. I don’t have any other ideas for how to handle it though. I just want to move on with my life. P stalled my life for 4 years. I don’t want to lose anymore.

The Best Days Are Yet To Come

I think for the first time in my life I’m really living in the moment. Graduation is bearing down on me and I just can’t bare the thought of such a huge life alteration coming my way. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. My life is just going to become very different. So for these last three weeks I will live for today, and not try and plan for what’s to come.

Today involves driving to DC for the cherry blossom festival. I’m excited for it because I’m going with JJ, S and a bunch of other friends. It will be interesting to see how it is spending the entire weekend with JJ. I haven’t spent this much time with a man since P. We will be spending three nights together. It’s not a lot, but it’s a lot for me. I’ve gotten used to being alone and having my own space. My privacy is my solitude. It’s probably a good thing that I’m mixing things up a bit. Otherwise I am going to end up turning into a crazy cat lady.

I also finally feel like I’m living life and having real experiences. I’m going to remember these last few weeks of school fondly. Not like last semester which was just a blur of blacked out, drunken nights. Granted I haven’t been completely sober, but drinking isn’t the core of my social life anymore. It’s refreshing having real conversations with people rather than shouting over loud music. I’m also going a lot more places rather than just going to parties. It feels like my life is finally getting going and it feels good. The best days are yet to come.

After All This Time, Still Broken On The Inside

I needed to post twice tonight. One about what’s going in my life, and another about how I’m feeling on the inside. I wish that I could say that after nearly two years I’m nearly healed. What happened with P still pains me every day though. My mind just can’t seem to process everything that happened between us, everything he did to me. I just hurt when I think about it. There’s not really any detail anymore, just hurt.

Sometimes I have flashbacks. Horrifying memories will invade my thoughts. They make me sick. I cannot believe what he put me through, what I allowed him to do to me. That’s what keeps getting worse. I’m so guilty. I hate myself for letting it all happen. And maybe that’s still him having some sort of hold over me. He still makes me blame myself for everything he did wrong.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a lot happier than I was a year ago. I am finally turning into the person I was meant to be. I know myself now and what I want out of life. That makes things easier. I’m not nearly as insecure as I was coming out of that relationship. I hate the person that I was, not the person that I am now. I just can’t help feel guilty and so sad, because I wonder what I could have been if that had never happened to me.

I keep myself really busy. I’m always active. My mind’s always occupied. I do a lot better when I essentially don’t have time to think about P. The darkness swallows me at night though. I lay in bed, and my heart just aches and burns. I wish I could describe what it feels like. The pain resonates from a place that seems deeper than physically possible. I don’t understand it at all. I have no idea how to heal. All I know is that my heart is broken and I don’t know how to fix it.

Going Nowhere Fast

So I have a new man in my life. I know, right? It’s shocking. I wasn’t expecting it to happen either. It all happened really fast too. However, I have a feeling I’m on a train going nowhere fast. Let me tell you the story of how I met JJ.

S is an Accounting major so she works for this place that does free taxes. The managers there are all law students. One of them took an interest in her and invited her to a St. Patrick’s Day party. She didn’t want to go by herself, so she invited me. The party ended up being all 3rd year law students and us. They were all really friendly and inviting. We had a good time.

I spent the majority of the party watching the guy S was interested in. I’m a protective friend and I felt the need to size him up. Towards the end of the night, I did notice that one of the guys was talking to me more than the others. I’m going to call him JJ. He’s 24 and he got his degree in computational mathematics in 3 years before going to law school. He’s graduating in May.

JJ apparently liked me, because he Facebook friended me right away and IMed me the next day. We’ve been talking and seeing each other ever since (about 3 weeks ago). I’ve spent the night at his place a few times. We haven’t had sex yet, but it’s gone pretty far. He’s extremely nerdy, but very sweet. He’s more affectionate than any guy I’ve ever been with. I like him. Which I think is a HUGE problem. I’m graduating in a month and so is he. That’s why I say this is going nowhere fast. The chances of it working out are slim to none. And here I am getting attached. Sometimes I question my brainpower…

I guess my mind really isn’t in control here though. My heart has been screaming for affection, and now I’m finally getting some. I like it. It’s nice, safe and it feels good. I just don’t want to get used to it. That’s when it becomes a problem. And we all know the girl falls first, which is why I feel like I’m in a very vulnerable position. I do not like being vulnerable. I like to have the upper hand at all times. My only consolation at this point is that it can’t progress too far in 6 weeks. There’s absolutely no way I could fall in love that quickly at this point. I just have to trust that when it ends, I’ll be okay.