“Numbing the pain for a while will only make it worse when you finally feel it.” – Albus Dumbledore
That quote certainly resonated within me. I definitely tried that tactic when P broke up with me. My personal remedy for my pain was to sleep with whatever man happened to give me attention. I also used D as a distraction for a while. And in some ways, I put up with all of the G crap just so I didn’t have to face the deepest hurt of all.
Granted, these tactics obviously didn’t numb me completely. I still had to face my broken heart. They did offer a distraction though. In some ways I thought I could just distract myself from my pain until I fell in love again. Now that I’ve been truly alone for a few months I don’t think that would have ever worked. I have a feeling it would have ruined whatever relationship I happened to be in. No other man or other love is going to heal me. I believe only time and acceptance is going to make this go away.
Perhaps I could use some counselling. Many have suggested this to me. I honestly don’t think it would work for me without the best therapist. I’m extremely reserved. I’m also extremely practiced at lying and pretending I’m okay. I wouldn’t be able to open up to a complete stranger. I know this, which is why I haven’t sought help. Besides, this blog is cathartic for me in many ways. I also have an endless network of support. I feel it does a much better job than many psychologists would do. Granted, I’m sure there are people out there who could help me and I’m not putting down the psychology profession. I just think it would be a challenge for me, personally, to find much relief through therapy.
I guess my point, or my belief rather, is that we all have to face our inner demons alone. No one can fight that battle for us. There are many who can offer support, but in the end it’s you versus your own personal monsters. It can be the hardest struggle. After all, our own minds fostered their creation. In ways we are fighting against our own self.