Life’s A Mystery

Well life has been a little hectic since I started school again on Monday which is why I haven’t posted in a while. I really was not at all excited to start this last semester. Normally I’m ready for new classes and new activities, but this time I just was not feeling it. I’m having a really hard time getting back into the swing of things. I think it’s because we only had a 2 week winter break which is extremely short. I’m also taking a lot of classes that I just need to graduate and I’m not really interested in so I’ve been feeling quite apathetic.

Long story short it was a rough week. The only good thing that happened was S rekindling our friendship. It’s finally feeling normal again now that she’s broken up with Bryan. Anyways, on Monday I found out that I didn’t get into Teach for America. I had a bit of a hard time handling it since I’m not really used to rejection (well, rejection in my professional life). So now I need to figure out what I’m going to do once I graduate and I’m having a really hard time. I’m saddled with a lot of debt which doesn’t really give me many options. I’m also 19 and have absolutely no idea what I want out of life. So if anyone out there has any thoughts please let me know. I’m at a loss.

I also got my infertility test results. All my hormone levels are normal which was unexpected and extremely frustrating. They still have no idea what’s up and I can’t really do anything while I’m at school because my health insurance doesn’t cover anywhere in State College. The only issue they know I have is borderline high cholesterol (214). This makes me furious. My doctor chided me and lectured me on eating healthy and exercising. I am the healthiest eater I know. I only eat whole grains. I eat organic. I eat two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day. I only eat chicken and turkey and I also don’t consume anything that has corn syrup or hydrogenated oils. AND I work out 4-6 times a week. Yet I’m the college student with high cholesterol. Not. Fair.

Well that’s all the important stuff for now. I’ll try and start writing more soon. I just need to get adjusted to this semester…and figure out my life.

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Love At First Sight…. (Yeah, Right)

I saw Les Miserables tonight. It was everything I hoped it would be and more. I’m not really sure how some people didn’t like it. The movie basically wrenched at my heartstrings the entire time. Reminded me that I actually do still have a soul and some emotions left inside me.

My one huge issue with the story is the whole love at first sight thing. Maybe I’m a complete cynic at this point, but I think love at first sight is BS. You can’t love somebody you’ve never talked to. They call that stirring inside when you see someone you’re attracted to lust. It’s just evolution biochemically manipulating you into making babies. I wish they would tell all the teenage girls that so they don’t fall in love with the first guy that makes eyes at them.

I don’t know where all of these romantic love stories come from. I’m 99.9% convinced that romance is as much of a fairy tale as unicorns. I suppose I’m speaking from the extremely bitter side of myself that has been involved with one to many douchebags. I would not be at all opposed to someone with a Y chromosome changing my mind. However, for the time being I remain thoroughly unconvinced that there exists a love like Marius and Cosette.

Sooner Or Later We All Have To Face Our Inner Demons Alone

“Numbing the pain for a while will only make it worse when you finally feel it.” – Albus Dumbledore

That quote certainly resonated within me. I definitely tried that tactic when P broke up with me. My personal remedy for my pain was to sleep with whatever man happened to give me attention. I also used D as a distraction for a while. And in some ways, I put up with all of the G crap just so I didn’t have to face the deepest hurt of all.

Granted, these tactics obviously didn’t numb me completely. I still had to face my broken heart. They did offer a distraction though. In some ways I thought I could just distract myself from my pain until I fell in love again. Now that I’ve been truly alone for a few months I don’t think that would have ever worked. I have a feeling it would have ruined whatever relationship I happened to be in. No other man or other love is going to heal me. I believe only time and acceptance is going to make this go away.

Perhaps I could use some counselling. Many have suggested this to me. I honestly don’t think it would work for me without the best therapist. I’m extremely reserved. I’m also extremely practiced at lying and pretending I’m okay. I wouldn’t be able to open up to a complete stranger. I know this, which is why I haven’t sought help. Besides, this blog is cathartic for me in many ways. I also have an endless network of support. I feel it does a much better job than many psychologists would do. Granted, I’m sure there are people out there who could help me and I’m not putting down the psychology profession. I just think it would be a challenge for me, personally, to find much relief through therapy.

I guess my point, or my belief rather, is that we all have to face our inner demons alone. No one can fight that battle for us. There are many who can offer support, but in the end it’s you versus your own personal monsters. It can be the hardest struggle. After all, our own minds fostered their creation. In ways we are fighting against our own self.

Lost Chances And Exhaustion (I Might Be Infertile)

Let me preface this post by saying I’ve been up since 4:30 am and I went to bed at 11 pm. I struggle with insomnia. Last night I woke up from a dream and thought I saw a man in my room. It was just the lights playing tricks on me, but it still really freaked me out. I think the ensuing adrenaline rush kept me awake after that. Eventually, at 7 am, I just gave up on sleeping and got up to start the day.

Needless to say, I’m exhausted. I’m one of those people that needs 8 hours of sleep to function at any level. I also don’t do napping really well so I’ve just been in a state of zombie all day. Anyways, I got some “fantastic” news today (and I say fantastic dripping with sarcasm). I might be infertile and I’m not ovulating. I won’t go into details since I know I have male followers, but basically nothing is in sync down there.

My doctor considered a variety of options for why I’m having these issues. None of them were enjoyable. The infertility is one of them. Another lovely idea that was thrown out there was a tumor on my pituitary gland. After my heart surgery the last thing I want is more medical issues. Here goes another barrage of tests…

Honestly, what’s hitting me really hard and scaring me the most is the infertility. I really want to have children, just not for another 10ish years. Also, I hear that requires a willing male sperm donor. All jokes aside, the thought that it might not even be possible is killing me. My heart is sinking as I read the list of tests for the lab to run and the subscript says “infertility” under a majority of them. I’m 19! I haven’t even had my chance. Being a mom is just one of those natural urges I’ve had my entire life. I don’t want that taken away from me.

What’s With All The Self Images?

After three glasses of wine I am no closer to writing my goals then I was 2 hours ago. I have, however, succeeded in making 26 pumpkin cookies. Not a completely unproductive night…

What I have to write about tonight is a slightly superficial pet peeve. I absolutely hate when girls take pictures of themselves in the mirror/with a webcam and then post it on social media. To me, that is the ultimate attention seeking behavior. This may sound slightly judgmental  but I really don’t care how good you think you look. You aren’t going to improve you self image by doing that, nor your self esteem. In fact, I see it as clear evidence that you lack self esteem.

Sorry about that little rant. I felt it was necessary after perusing WordPress. There seems to be an influx of new bloggers due to the new year. A lot of them are posting ridiculous pictures of themselves and I just had to say something. If you guys were absolutely dying to know what I looked like, I wouldn’t be against putting a photograph in one of my posts. I, however, preferred to be judged by my words on a page rather than my image. I think this writing speaks to who I am much better than a picture ever could.

Quotes, Goals And An Updated About Me

I added a new edition to this lovely blog! It’s a quotes page. Basically, just a bunch of great people who have said/written words that really speak to my soul. I’m a huge fan of quotes which is why I decided I wanted to add it. It’s also just a nice way for me to keep track of my favorites and share them with you guys at the same time.

I also updated my About Me (again). A lot of people have been reading it lately and I’m trying to make sure I give the right impression to newcomers. Although it’s basically impossible to embody yourself in 500 words or less. I added a few extra details, because I don’t want my essence to be the fact that I was in an abusive relationship. I never want that to define me.

Finally, everyone with all their New Year’s Resolutions has got me thinking maybe I should start a “Goals” page. I don’t believe in resolutions. I find that they are usually unsuccessful. I do like the idea of writing down some goals for myself though. Seeing the words on a page and publishing them all for you might push me towards achieving them. I’ll have to think about what I want them to be. I don’t want to get overzealous. I find success always comes from starting small.

Do We Really Learn Anything In College?

I’m currently frustrated by the immense desire to get the hell out of here. Pennsylvania is a lovely state and all, but I’ve spent my entire life here. I have the strongest urge to see the world and basically be in any place that isn’t a state that starts with the letter “P”. I feel like I live an extremely isolated existence and I’m not experiencing what all there is out there.

I want to be a traveler. A nomad. Someone who floats across the globe and sees all the wonders offered by God’s green Earth. I’m just not really sure how to do that, especially now that I’m $80,000 in debt (thank you, college education). I seriously sometimes feel like academia is a prison. It’s a large amount of money that you are forced to spend if you ever want any chance at a livelihood (at least it is in the US, I hear things are different in other countries). It also doesn’t really afford you with any life experiences. I’ve spent the past three years getting wasted and when I’m not doing that I shove vast amounts of knowledge into my brain. I can tell you a whole lot about how a cell works or how DNA is replicated, but I haven’t the slightest clue about any of life’s great lessons. For 80K I really don’t feel like I’ve learned anything.

I’m convinced that knowledge comes from books and wisdom comes from experiences. Lord knows I’m not having any experiences sitting in a lecture hall or reading a textbook. That’s why I’m not exactly eager to launch into medical school. I would like to live a little bit before I lock myself in a cell with a mountain of textbooks.

I haven’t written about this yet on my blog, but my desire for real life, real world experiences has led me to apply for Teach for America. They basically have the acceptance rate of an Ivy League institution (Last year 55,000 applications and 6,000 accepted). I made it through the initial application, phone interview and final interview. I’m just waiting to find out if I got in. That will happen January 7th. I guess I haven’t written about it, because I’m afraid I won’t get in. And if I don’t get in I’m going to have to face that fact on this blog along with in real life. Which will suck. Everyone expects me to make the cut, because I always make the cut. If I don’t it will just be embarrassing. Not to mention I do really, really want it. Two years teaching underprivileged youth in a part of the country I’ve never lived in is just the sort of experience I’m looking for. I’ll get to serve a purpose rather than being a mindless, memorization machine.