I feel like the life is gradually being sucked out of me. I know I’ve been saying this for a long time, but one can only take so much pain. I have a black hole where my heart should be. It’s void of all emotion and it’s engulfing my strength and optimism. The edges are tinged with pain. All is surrounded by darkness.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to feel love again. I honestly can’t remember what it’s like. The ability has been snuffed by guilt and pain. I’m guilty for loving such a monster. I wonder what kind of screwed up person that makes me. Somehow everything I endured makes sense to me. It was a punishment for making such a grave mistake. A little lesson to remind me why you never fall in love with someone who seems good on the outside, but hides evil on the inside. Young, innocent me needed to be taught a lesson. I learned it well. I’ll never forget it. My heart is scarred. The guilt plagues me. My subconscious sends me reminders in my dreams, day and night.
So how on Earth am I ever going to be able to get over this and love someone else? I’m so broken. My emotions, feelings, hopes and dreams are walled off deep inside myself. I can’t imagining opening up to someone else or showing any amount of weakness. Weakness gets exploited. And what is trust? What is trust when it can be broken with seconds and ruin you? I don’t know if I’m capable of these things that are required by love: trust, honesty, openness. Why would anyone ever want to be with someone like that? Am I going to end up alone?