Love Can Ruin You


I feel like the life is gradually being sucked out of me. I know I’ve been saying this for a long time, but one can only take so much pain. I have a black hole where my heart should be. It’s void of all emotion and it’s engulfing my strength and optimism. The edges are tinged with pain. All is surrounded by darkness.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to feel love again. I honestly can’t remember what it’s like. The ability has been snuffed by guilt and pain. I’m guilty for loving such a monster. I wonder what kind of screwed up person that makes me. Somehow everything I endured makes sense to me.  It was a punishment for making such a grave mistake. A little lesson to remind me why you never fall in love with someone who seems good on the outside, but hides evil on the inside. Young, innocent me needed to be taught a lesson. I learned it well. I’ll never forget it. My heart is scarred. The guilt plagues me. My subconscious sends me reminders in my dreams, day and night.

So how on Earth am I ever going to be able to get over this and love someone else? I’m so broken. My emotions, feelings, hopes and dreams are walled off deep inside myself. I can’t imagining opening up to someone else or showing any amount of weakness. Weakness gets exploited. And what is trust? What is trust when it can be broken with seconds and ruin you? I don’t know if I’m capable of these things that are required by love: trust, honesty, openness. Why would anyone ever want to be with someone like that? Am I going to end up alone?

 

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4 thoughts on “Love Can Ruin You

  1. I know you’re almost done with college but you’re young. You have years ahead of you to just be single and learn to stop feeling guilty for loving him and to learn how to love and be loved the right way. People are hurt by those that they love on a daily basis and most end up in love again. It takes time.

  2. Hi there. I wouldn’t normally do this but I’ve been through a lot in my life and I am living happily and healthily now. You can’t blame yourself for loving someone who did something so cruel to you. That’s his fault and he has to deal with what he’s done for the rest of his life and it hurts my heart knowing that someone so young feeling so guilty about being a victim. People do crazy things because we are animals and some animals have no line of decency. Would you fault a young child that has been attacked by a family dog that was loved dearly?? Do you see someone about these things that have happened to you? You seem quite open on the Internet but I’m interested if you have the same closure in real life. There is no separation from my life and what I put on my blog. I can just reach a broader audience this way. I just hope youre not trying to deal with something so serious and traumatic through a blog outlet whilst still living in pain. I can try to help you be happy if you’d like. my name is Alex and I live in Michigan and I’m pleased to meet such a brutally honest being if indeed this is all true. no offense meant to be taken but im new to WordPress and have been duped before.

    • Hi Alex,
      I appreciate your really nice comment. Unfortunately, I’m not making any of this up. (Although I can understand why you would be suspicious). I wish I could say I was this open in real life about what’s happened to me, but in fact it’s quite the opposite. I’ve found the world to not be very understanding or believing of what has happened to me. I suppose that’s just society at this point. Anyways, you could email me if you’d like (make.life.orange@gmail.com). My name is Sam.

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