Sometimes I feel like I have a split personality. There’s the person in my head who writes this blog and there’s the person on the outside who lives my life. I think jaws would drop if anyone I knew read this. I write secrets and emotions that are locked deep inside my heart. This is the only place where I can be so honest with what is actually going on. If I lie or hide the truth on my anonymous blog, I’m essentially lying to myself.
Although I do find a lot of people are reluctant to write their true feelings on their blogs. Or if they write with pain or emotion they feel the need to warn their readers ahead of time. I guess this is probably fear of being judged? I appreciate honesty though. I can always tell when a post is written with deep conviction. Those are the best ones.
I wish the person I was on the inside could match the person I was on the outside. I don’t feel like I’m being true to myself sometimes. However, I like to think I show the world my softer, tempered side. The part of me that’s more agreeable and charismatic, happy and positive. What goes on inside my head is raw, hard and forceful. I liken my thoughts and emotions to a hurricane most of the time. They swirl with gale force winds and the driving rain of it all assaults my consciousness. That storm is constant. It never lets up. If I reflected that on the outside I’d probably be locked up in a mental institution.
I wonder if everyone is like that. One of my deepest desires is to understand how others think. Not just understand, but empathize. I have known for a while that my thought processes are different than most. But maybe we’re all different and most of us just don’t let it show? Society certainly shuns idiosyncrasies. And human beings are complex creatures. Maybe we’re all hiding a split personality.