There Is So Much Pain Hidden Inside The Walls of WordPress


There are so many sad people on WordPress. I wish that wasn’t so. I feel like a majority of them probably hide their grief from their daily lives. Blogging is probably their only outlet for the pain. I can understand that. I think the only reason I’m not a basket case right now is because of this blog. Guilt and grief would have eaten me alive if I didn’t have a place to talk about it. The thoughts that torment me lie in these posts. I would die if anyone I knew read it.

See I still can’t talk about it. It pains me to even think the words, “I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years.” Let alone type them. I can never imagine saying that out loud. I get agitated whenever anyone brings up P. And by anyone I mean my mom. She is the only one who still insists on asking about it. Probably because she is the only one who has an inkling of how much it has ruined me. Sometimes I actually wonder if I have the ability to feel anything but pain for longer than 5 seconds. I also might be turning to stone.

I survive this by keeping busy. My head is a dark place and if I sat in it for too long I would probably kill myself. That’s why I’ll do anything to occupy my wandering thoughts. At night, I lay in bed and make up stories just to avoid that dark place. What hides in the dark place? Shame, a lot of that. I’m perfect. I’m intelligent. I’m successful. How did I let myself live through that for so long? Then there’s the guilt. My actions during that time were far less than noble. And I never make excuses for myself. I’ll probably never forgive myself either. Finally, the grief. The deep sadness that my partner of 4 years was so bad, so cruel, so brutal. He’s gone and he’s never coming back. He he hurt me so much and he probably won’t lose a wink of sleep over it.

Oh…did I mention I’m tragically lonely?

 

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5 thoughts on “There Is So Much Pain Hidden Inside The Walls of WordPress

  1. hello. first, let me share a quote from the german philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer: “If we do not want to be a plaything in the hands of every rougue and the object of every fool’s ridicule, the first rule is to be reserved and inaccessible.”

    i had been reading your blog. although im not regularly updated on it, i know how you’re suffering. for some reason, i am inspired on how you handle your suffering. i discovered your blog almost a year ago, perhaps it was also december then, and at that time i was, and still is, in a great suffering. your efforts of alleviating pain through writing inspired me. i wasnt able to do it immediately, it took a while before my mind got cleared and writing became possible. thus, i thank you for that.

    one thing i want to ask. having been aware how exploitative and manipulative boys could be, im just wondering why you still continue having affairs with other boys. don’t get me wrong. i dont mean that in a bad way. i was just wondering because the solution that i see that would fit your situation is temporary isolation from people. it would, in theory, give you peace. and on that moment of peace you could seek for your self, that is, what you truly want, what you truly need. it’s a sort of catharsis…

    anyway, happy holidays.

    • Hi, first of all thank you for commenting. I really enjoy hearing from my “silent” readers (those who read, but rarely comment). First, it makes me happy that my writing inspired you. I read some of you blog. I think we both share some of the same issues with people and we just handle them in different ways. Being different does that to you, it makes it hard to be around others. I’ve dealt with it by trying my best to be the same and perhaps hiding a portion of myself…a very large portion. The other thing I wanted to say is that I actually made the decision to go into a period of “isolation” yesterday. I just haven’t written about it yet. I need to study for the MCAT and I have tired of my peers. I plan on spending my last semester mostly alone. I’m okay with that, but it is something I need to prepare for mentally.

      Again, thank you for reading and happy holidays.

  2. Your comment about feeling anything other than pain struck me. Not to sound sadistic, but its a good thing. I had felt so much pain from experiences similar to yours that I cut myself off from feeling all together. I thought it was a blessing at that time, but when looking back on it with my therapists and counselors, hindsight is always correct. I destroyed myself that way. I became so cut off that I could not feel anything even when I wanted, so to me, cutting was the best idea ever. I could finally feel, and not just feel, but be in control of it! Something that had never happened before. Downside was it was the only way I could feel, and its an addiction now, one I fight all the time because, god it still feels good even when I know I shouldn’t. Relapses are the worst, but its been a while since last time, which thankfully are few and far between now. Sadly this also lead to suicide attempt, to get away from it all. Funny how you want to get away, then feel again, then just make it stop.
    Ok I’ve been rambling, something I’ve become quite good at actually. But just wanted to say, feeling, even if it is just pain, is good, because soon it will pass, and not send you down my road.

  3. Sometimes I think the loneliness makes everything else that much worse. The loneliness I feel is almost suffocating. And at night it’s the absolute worst time. If I didn’t feel so lonely, maybe it all wouldn’t feel so bad. Maybe.

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