There are so many sad people on WordPress. I wish that wasn’t so. I feel like a majority of them probably hide their grief from their daily lives. Blogging is probably their only outlet for the pain. I can understand that. I think the only reason I’m not a basket case right now is because of this blog. Guilt and grief would have eaten me alive if I didn’t have a place to talk about it. The thoughts that torment me lie in these posts. I would die if anyone I knew read it.
See I still can’t talk about it. It pains me to even think the words, “I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years.” Let alone type them. I can never imagine saying that out loud. I get agitated whenever anyone brings up P. And by anyone I mean my mom. She is the only one who still insists on asking about it. Probably because she is the only one who has an inkling of how much it has ruined me. Sometimes I actually wonder if I have the ability to feel anything but pain for longer than 5 seconds. I also might be turning to stone.
I survive this by keeping busy. My head is a dark place and if I sat in it for too long I would probably kill myself. That’s why I’ll do anything to occupy my wandering thoughts. At night, I lay in bed and make up stories just to avoid that dark place. What hides in the dark place? Shame, a lot of that. I’m perfect. I’m intelligent. I’m successful. How did I let myself live through that for so long? Then there’s the guilt. My actions during that time were far less than noble. And I never make excuses for myself. I’ll probably never forgive myself either. Finally, the grief. The deep sadness that my partner of 4 years was so bad, so cruel, so brutal. He’s gone and he’s never coming back. He he hurt me so much and he probably won’t lose a wink of sleep over it.
Oh…did I mention I’m tragically lonely?