Well when nothing’s going on in your life, you have little to write about. I feel like everything’s stalled. Actually, I’ve felt like that for a long time. It’s more a feeling of running around in circles blindfolded. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I’m sad. I’m lonely. And to top it all off I have no direction except graduate college.
I suppose it could be worse. I just expected it to be better by now. I’m a senior in college. Shouldn’t I know something? When does the part come where I get blessed with the secrets to life? I don’t even want all the secrets. Just some of them. I’d even settle for one. Sadly, there is no life secret fairy. I’m just going to continue being clueless and fucking shit up.
At this point I have a desperate need to get the hell out of here and start over. I feel like I’ve been pretending to be something I’m not my entire college career. First, I tried to pretend I could make P happy. Then, I tried to pretend that I was some nonchalant girl that could have casual sex with whoever she wanted and not care. Finally, I tried to pretend I could run with the cool kids. I was a mean girl, but I was popular. I think I hate myself for all this pretending. I also just used “pretend” way too many times in that paragraph. Normally, I would try and find some synonyms. I don’t even care anymore. That’s a lie. I do care about this blog. I just really don’t feel like venturing around thesaurus.com right now.
I think I’m just writing thoughts as they come to my brain at this point. If you couldn’t tell I’m a little scatter brained and going through a life crisis. Again. My life gets upended about every 6 months so I should be used to it by now. I think the most amazing part is that I’m not completely numb at this point. These things still get to me. It still hurts me. I’m still human.