New Year’s Eve Dilemma

I know a lot of people have already rung in the New Year. I, however, live on the Eastern seaboard of the United States and it is only 3 pm.  I have a decision to make. I got invited to a New Year’s Eve party that is being hosted by a girl I worked with over the summer. She’s really cool and I enjoy hanging out with her. The thing about it is that the party is about an hour away from where I live. I also would not know anyone except for her.

Since it’s so far and I’m sure I will be drinking because it’s New Year’s Eve, I would have to spend the night. She already said it was cool if I crash. I’m an introvert through and through though. The idea of going to a party where I know nobody scares the shit out of me. It would be much easier for me to just stay in my comfort zone and chill at my house. I’d probably enjoy myself. I never mind being alone. But that’s so predictable. I know exactly what will happen if I do that.

I guess it’s just the whole being stuck there and not knowing anyone thing that’s worrying me the most. I pretty much can’t leave after I have anything to drink. I’ll be DUI if I have any alcohol in my blood due to the fact that I’m under 21 (for all of my followers from elsewhere, the drinking age in the US is 21). Normally it’s not a big deal, but the cops are everywhere on New Year’s Eve. I completely understand that and I would never drive drunk. It’s just frustrating that I’ll have to take such a big risk if I want to go home after having one or two drinks.

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Blogging Conundrums

Sometimes I start writing a post. Then I look at it and think, “This is a complete waste of words on a page. No one should ever read this.” I then proceed to delete everything and stare at the Add New Post screen. I watch that small line blink, and struggle to think of anything worth while to write about.

This actually happens to me often. It’s part of the reason I left blogging for so long. Writer’s block just kept happening to me more and more frequently. Part of my problem is that I don’t usually realize the worth of what I’m writing. According to WordPress, some of you guys’ favorite posts have been ones that I didn’t think were anything special. In fact, I normally get the best response when I’m writing from the heart and not actively trying to say anything decent or thought provoking.

The problem is my heart isn’t exactly a happy place right now. I don’t want to be the blogger that’s dragging everyone else down, making them feeling sad from reading my posts. I also feel like a whiny cry baby when I go on and on about P and how much he hurt me. But then again, this blog is my coping mechanism. If I need to write about it I should write about it. I just don’t want to get stuck in a vicious cycle where writing about it is actually doing more harm than good.

I also don’t want people to feel sorry for me. In my mind, there’s pretty much nothing more pathetic. Although I do feel like I can be pretty pathetic sometimes when I’m feeling down. I’d rather be inspirational though. I want this to be a success story, not a depressing one. At the same time, I need to be realistic though. Everything’s not always sunshine and flowers. Sometimes you need to weather the storm to see the rainbow.

Who Embodies You In A Book/Movie?

I just saw this writing prompt and I absolutely had to expound upon it: What literary/movie character do you relate to and why?

Okay so this may speak to how much of a nerd I truly am, but I’ve read hundreds of books and the character I’ve always felt like the most is Hermione Granger. In the earlier books, she was a bossy, know-it-all nerd. That was me in a nutshell. It took me a while to temper the fact that I almost always knew the answer. My desire to share it and always be right annoyed people sometimes. However, I have found that when there’s a problem to solve people look to the brain to answer it.

The other reason I have always related is slightly vain, but Hermione (Emma Watson) had ugly duckling syndrome and so did I. Puberty was rough for me. I was gawky and awkward and had no idea how to manage my hair or dress my body type. I really didn’t fill out and start looking like a woman until about a year ago. It was quite amazing to me when boys started actually noticing me for something other than my intelligence.

So yeah, that’s me. Who do you guys relate to? I would love if you would comment. I always enjoy finding out more about my readers!

Reflecting On The Past And Looking To The Future

There’s a lovely snow falling in my beautiful state of Pennsylvania. We’ve got about 3 inches already and I’d take a guess that I’m probably not going to go anywhere today. I’ve wanted to write a post reflecting on 2012. Lord knows it’s been a hectic year. I feel like I’ve learned everything and nothing at the same time. I also find it amazing how quickly time has passed. They say life is short. I’m starting to believe them.

I’d say the biggest thing that happened in the beginning of 2012 was the deterioration of my heart condition. I started having palpitations of 200 bpm multiple times a day and I nearly passed out in the pool a couple times. After getting the results from my heart monitor, my cardiologist told me to schedule an ablation as quickly as possible. That was some scary stuff. Heart surgery was painful and trying on my already worn emotions. But there’s nothing wrong with me now and I haven’t had any problems since they fixed it. That’s a blessing. A functioning heart is something I will never take for granted. Although now that things a working properly physiologically I’d say I need to work harder on getting the emotional side up and running again. Healing takes time though.

As for my personal life, I dated G. That was a debacle now that I look back on it. It turns out that he was sleeping with other girls the entire time we were dating. I didn’t write about it, because I found this out during my blogging break. What’s even worse was that A and S both knew about that and didn’t tell me. Talk about betrayal. And people wonder why I have trust issues…

What was most successful during 2012 was my professional/school life. First of all, I’ve earned a solid 3.65 the last three semesters. I’m feeling a lot more confident. While I was with P I earned a 3.15 (I wonder why…?). I was starting to feel like I had lost my brain power or something. It’s amazing what psychological trauma can do to you. I also got accepted to an internship at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. They took 15 people out of over 300 candidates. Getting into that made me feel pretty good. I also made some friends in my lab and I could potentially work there after I graduate. Finally, I got selected to TA introductory Biology. That was pretty big too, because they only give those positions to a few undergraduates. I just got rehired for next semester. I’m pretty excited, because I like teaching and it seems like I’m good at it.

I suppose the big question that I didn’t answer in 2012 and still have yet to answer is what am I going to do with my life? I’m blessed with many options. In 2012, I submitted applications to medical school and then withdrew them. I’m just not ready to make that 4 year schooling commitment. I am about 90% positive I will eventually go to med school though. However, I’m currently dabbling in the idea of applying to MD/PhD programs. It takes 7-8 years to get your MD/PhD, but we all know I’m young. Also, if I did that I could be on the cutting edge of medicine trying to solve the big problems. I feel like that will be much more satisfying for me then just treating patients with methods developed by someone else. But who knows? I could change my mind again. I’m pretty good at that.

2012 was a painful year, but it was not nearly as painful as 2011. I’m making progress. Granted, things are slow going. But they are getting better. I can only be thankful for that and try to keep a positive outlook. I have faith that one day I will lead a successful, happy life.

Love Can Ruin You

I feel like the life is gradually being sucked out of me. I know I’ve been saying this for a long time, but one can only take so much pain. I have a black hole where my heart should be. It’s void of all emotion and it’s engulfing my strength and optimism. The edges are tinged with pain. All is surrounded by darkness.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to feel love again. I honestly can’t remember what it’s like. The ability has been snuffed by guilt and pain. I’m guilty for loving such a monster. I wonder what kind of screwed up person that makes me. Somehow everything I endured makes sense to me.  It was a punishment for making such a grave mistake. A little lesson to remind me why you never fall in love with someone who seems good on the outside, but hides evil on the inside. Young, innocent me needed to be taught a lesson. I learned it well. I’ll never forget it. My heart is scarred. The guilt plagues me. My subconscious sends me reminders in my dreams, day and night.

So how on Earth am I ever going to be able to get over this and love someone else? I’m so broken. My emotions, feelings, hopes and dreams are walled off deep inside myself. I can’t imagining opening up to someone else or showing any amount of weakness. Weakness gets exploited. And what is trust? What is trust when it can be broken with seconds and ruin you? I don’t know if I’m capable of these things that are required by love: trust, honesty, openness. Why would anyone ever want to be with someone like that? Am I going to end up alone?

 

Do We All Have A Split Personality?

Sometimes I feel like I have a split personality. There’s the person in my head who writes this blog and there’s the person on the outside who lives my life. I think jaws would drop if anyone I knew read this. I write secrets and emotions that are locked deep inside my heart. This is the only place where I can be so honest with what is actually going on. If I lie or hide the truth on my anonymous blog, I’m essentially lying to myself.

Although I do find a lot of people are reluctant to write their true feelings on their blogs. Or if they write with pain or emotion they feel the need to warn their readers ahead of time. I guess this is probably fear of being judged? I appreciate honesty though. I can always tell when a post is written with deep conviction. Those are the best ones.

I wish the person I was on the inside could match the person I was on the outside. I don’t feel like I’m being true to myself sometimes. However, I like to think I show the world my softer, tempered side. The part of me that’s more agreeable and charismatic, happy and positive. What goes on inside my head is raw, hard and forceful. I liken my thoughts and emotions to a hurricane most of the time. They swirl with gale force winds and the driving rain of it all assaults my consciousness. That storm is constant. It never lets up.  If I reflected that on the outside I’d probably be locked up in a mental institution.

I wonder if everyone is like that. One of my deepest desires is to understand how others think. Not just understand, but empathize. I have known for a while that my thought processes are different than most. But maybe we’re all different and most of us just don’t let it show? Society certainly shuns idiosyncrasies. And human beings are complex creatures. Maybe we’re all hiding a split personality.