I Have No Idea What I’m Doing


I think I may be at a time of maximum uncertainty in my life. That may be why I’m getting so angsty. I’m on the cusp of graduation. Graduation means that I have to start my own life and build my own foundations in this world. I still have no idea what I want those to be though. I also have no idea where I’m going to end up. Or who I’m going to be with. Or if anyone will even be there for me.

I guess I’ve been through worse. But this is really stressing me out. I decided to hold off on med school. I don’t think I’m ready to start four years of academic hell right away. I think I’ve written about this before. So for a while I floated around in uncertainty with what to do once May roles around. I consider graduation the death of my youth. I’m not sure why. I feel like I should be wearing black to that ceremony and not a cap and gown.

So I’m not prepared. Luckily, my directionless self was contacted by a Teach for America recruiter. I decided to apply, because spending two years of my life teaching in a random place that is decided for me doesn’t sound so bad. I like teaching (I started teaching introductory Biology this semester). Granted, Teach for America is ridiculously competitive. Last year 55,000 applied and they accepted 6,000. I’ve beaten odds like that before, but nothing’s ever a done deal. I did make it to the final interview round, so we’ll see what happens.

I don’t think I’m going to have a sense of comfort or security until I figure out what I’m doing after May 4th. I know I want to go to medical school eventually. I’m just not ready yet. I’m only 19 and let’s be real…I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I mean I hang out with people I don’t even like, party three times a week even though I know it’s killing me, but yet I’m getting the best grades of my college career. Nothing makes sense. Nothing at all.

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