I’m so glad so many are happy that I’m back to blogging. It’s nice to know that I was missed. Unfortunately, I’m a busy bee so I doubt I will be able to post once a day like I used to. I do enjoy this though. I like releasing my thoughts. They don’t seem to suffocate me as much when I have an outlet. It’s just hard to find the time, but I’m doing my best. Anyways, on to the topic of the day:
I want to talk to P. I know this is a completely, terrible, miserable, horrible idea. It’s actually been over a year since we’ve spoken. I wonder what he is doing and how he is. I know he lives in Manhattan now and works in IT. I also have absolutely no idea why I want to talk to him so badly. It doesn’t make sense to me and it makes me feel like a freaking pitiful person. Why on Earth would I ever want to communicate with someone who was so horrible to me?
I know the answer. He was my best friend for four years. We talked every day for nearly 1,500 days (yes, I just did that math). There was definitely a strong bond. We knew each other inside and out. Then that all got ripped away. It just suddenly ended. I think I was in shock for most of last year. I had so many emotions that the only thing I could fathom feeling was numb.
I’m finally beginning to comprehend the gigantic hole it left. Before I just felt empty, now I at least understand where the pain lies and why it is there. I guess you could call that progress? Maybe? I’m not really sure. I mostly just try to ignore it now, bury it deep. I’m hoping it will eventually just go away. I doubt that is going to work. It’s pretty much eating me from the inside out at this point. I just can’t bring myself to talk about it. It’s too painful, forming the words hurts that much. If I could explain how it feels, I would. There are no words though. The best I can do is that it hurts so much that trying to say anything about it suffocates me. I get a lump in my throat and feel overwhelming pain. Then I just say, “I’m fine” and hope it all will go away. It’s not going away though. I’ve been waiting a year for it to chance. It never does.