This Seems Neverending

I’m so glad so many are happy that I’m back to blogging. It’s nice to know that I was missed. Unfortunately, I’m a busy bee so I doubt I will  be able to post once a day like I used to. I do enjoy this though. I like releasing my thoughts. They don’t seem to suffocate me as much when I have an outlet. It’s just hard to find the time, but I’m doing my best. Anyways, on to the topic of the day:

I want to talk to P. I know this is a completely, terrible, miserable, horrible idea. It’s actually been over a year since we’ve spoken. I wonder what he is doing and how he is. I know he lives in Manhattan now and works in IT. I also have absolutely no idea why I want to talk to him so badly. It doesn’t make sense to me and it makes me feel like a freaking pitiful person. Why on Earth would I ever want to communicate with someone who was so horrible to me?

I know the answer. He was my best friend for four years. We talked every day for nearly 1,500 days (yes, I just did that math). There was definitely a strong bond. We knew each other inside and out. Then that all got ripped away. It just suddenly ended. I think I was in shock for most of last year. I had so many emotions that the only thing I could fathom feeling was numb.

I’m finally beginning to comprehend the gigantic hole it left. Before I just felt empty, now I at least understand where the pain lies and why it is there. I guess you could call that progress? Maybe? I’m not really sure. I mostly just try to ignore it now, bury it deep. I’m hoping it will eventually just go away. I doubt that is going to work. It’s pretty much eating me from the inside out at this point. I just can’t bring myself to talk about it. It’s too painful, forming the words hurts that much. If I could explain how it feels, I would. There are no words though. The best I can do is that it hurts so much that trying to say anything about it suffocates me. I get a lump in my throat and feel overwhelming pain. Then I just say, “I’m fine” and hope it all will go away. It’s not going away though. I’ve been waiting a year for it to chance. It never does.



3 thoughts on “This Seems Neverending

  1. It DOES go away. A year compared to four is nothing. You spent four years building your relationship up to what it was, and now you have to build yourself back up. It takes time. I still think about my ex and it’s been a year. I wonder how he is. We text occasionally, but not often and not much when we do. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being in contact with an ex IF you’re strong enough. If you can ask him how he is without it getting you down, then do so. If it’ll break any progress you’ve made, then don’t.

  2. I agree with emarie here. Healing from relationship wounds is different for every person, and every relationship. It sounds like you had a very strong bond, and it makes sense to me the effect it’s having on you since it was so abrupt an ending.

    Just keep working at it.

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