I spent my entire life wondering what it was like to be on the inside. I was never popular. I was always one of those weird kids. I just couldn’t figure out how to fit in and be normal. I was a fringe member of my peer group until the day I left to go to college.
This past summer I changed. I didn’t make a conscious decision to fit in. I never thought to myself, “I’m going to be cool this year.” But I’ve done it. I got in great shape. I started highlighting my hair and wearing make up. When I came back to school, I joined a dance group that has a social life similar to that of a sorority. I started hanging out with a group of girls that parties all the time.
A weekend in my life involves floating from tailgate to pregame to fraternity social function and then back again. I’m constantly surrounded by stereotypical frat boys and superficial females. I never imagined that I could ever be accepted in that crowd, but I am. In fact, everyone likes me. My friendliness and warmth draws in the girls while my blonde hair attracts the men. I am “the life of the party”, a role I never thought I’d play in my entire life.
Now I’m not saying all of this to brag. I don’t think I’m the coolest person ever and everyone should love me. In fact, I hate this existence. It is completely artificial. On the outside, it looks like a magical life. One filled with parties, fun and popularity. On the inside, it is absolute hell. The girls either spend all of their time hating on one another or they are desperately trying to get the attention of a guy at the party. All the guys are looking for is some action. It’s a world filled with anger, insecurity and hurt that everyone tries to cover up with UV lights, mixed drinks and expensive clothes. I don’t want to be a part of it anymore…but at the same time I don’t want to go back to being alone.