I really can’t wait to graduate. I live such a healthier life when I’m at home. I love Penn State. Penn State is a wonderful school that has done wonderful things for me. It was my rock when I broke up with P. I filled some of the emptiness with Penn State and it really helped me make it through.
This school is toxic though. There is definitely a partying culture. It can consume your entire existence. If I wanted to get drunk every, single night it would be completely socially acceptable. It is so easy to get sucked in. That type of lifestyle is just not for me. I honestly feel like it’s chipping away bits and pieces from me. I’ve been having a ton of fun, but it’s just not me.
I’m ready to get out of here and start living and adult life. We aren’t adults. We’re still kids. I’m ready for something more and something deeper. I also want to find people that are more like me. I haven’t really found them yet. I don’t know why, but I keep making friends with superficial, selfish people. They seem to be drawn to me. Maybe it’s because I listen. I’ve always been a good listener. That seems to be my role. I support people. I prop them up. I help them solve their problems. I guess that’s why self centered people are drawn to me. In a way I indulge their needs.
I need to stop though. These people are taking away from me. I just keep giving more and more trying to help them, trying to fix them. Some people can’t be fixed. And I shouldn’t make it my job anyways. Not every problem can be solved. I shouldn’t try to.
I’ve decided I need to put a little distance between myself and the people I normally hang out with. I feel like I’m being poisoned. I’m becoming a lot more catty and quick to judge. I don’t like that. I’m normally an extremely accepting person. I still am. I just find little voices in the back of my head are starting to say mean things that my core being does not agree with.
I’ve realized that I’m going to need to accept a little more loneliness if I’m going to do this. I know it’s possible to make new friends, but I’m in a weird place. It is the end of the semester and I’m a senior. Where I go to school most people already have their friends set in stone by sophomore year. It’s okay though. I don’t have much longer to go. I need to work on myself anyways. I’ve really lost track of my fitness. I was doing excellent over the summer and then it all just died once I got back to school. I’m going to start exercising and dieting again, so hopefully I’ll be able to get myself back to normal.
I also started reading again over my Thanksgiving break. I’m a voracious reader. I go through books ridiculously fast, because my reading pace is about twice that of your average person. To give you an idea, I’ve read 3.5 six hundred page books in the past three days. One of those days was Thanksgiving and I spent the majority of it with my family. Today I spent nearly 7 hours car shopping. To sum things up, I read reallllllly fast. It’s not a bad thing. I just require a constant supply of very long, detailed books. This was more difficult when I was younger, but now that I have a Kindle I can read to my heart’s content.
The only problem with reading is that I get lost in the worlds of my books. My favorites are epic fantasies and once I start I am gone. Finishing a novel sucks. It almost feels like a break up. I have to work to get my mind out of the setting of the book. It’s worth it though. Reading more will hopefully keep me out of the trouble I’ve been in. I don’t want to be that crazy, partying kid. That’s not who I am. I’m a nerd through and through. I just have to accept that.
Okay so my love life. This blog used to be all about that. My past love, my escapades, dating disasters, and D….wherever he fell into all of that. I’m sure some of my followers are wondering what happened to all the men who were defined by their letters. Well, they don’t really exist anymore. Like seriously, I don’t even talk to anything with a Y chromosome.
I got really weird about guys this semester. I had a little three week fling around late August/early September. I quickly ended that (it was not going to end well). Ever since then my demeanor has completely changed. I’ve become known as the girl who doesn’t believe in relationships and has no interest in men. Granted, this doesn’t stop the guys from trying. And I want nothing to do with them. The attention disgusts me.
The sad thing is I have this reputation and I don’t even believe in it. Everyone thinks I do and no one has really even bothered to ask me how I really feel. Yeah, I’ll admit that I can be blunt and standoffish. I don’t take shit and I also don’t believe in hanging all over a man to get his attention. At the first sign of trouble I’m going to turn tail and run. And if you do something that upsets me I’m probably never going to give you a second chance. That’s just what I’ve become and I’m a rare breed. Most of the girls I’m around will forgive a guy for just about anything and do whatever he wants to get him to ask her out. I don’t believe in that. If that makes people infer that I don’t believe in relationships, then whatever. They can think what they want and be wrong.
I do want to date somebody. I’m lonely and starving for affection on the inside. I’m trying to patiently wait for someone to come along that I really click with. I’m dying to be swept off my feet. Pretty much stereotypical 19 year old girl feelings. Yup, I still have them. They burn strong. So strong in fact that I’ve decided I’m not having sex with another man unless I’m in a relationship with him. I want to wait. I want it to be special. I want to feel something again. I’m tired of one night stands and no strings attached sex. It sucks. It feels good momentarily, but that feeling is fleeting. I’m ready for a real connection again.
I think I may be at a time of maximum uncertainty in my life. That may be why I’m getting so angsty. I’m on the cusp of graduation. Graduation means that I have to start my own life and build my own foundations in this world. I still have no idea what I want those to be though. I also have no idea where I’m going to end up. Or who I’m going to be with. Or if anyone will even be there for me.
I guess I’ve been through worse. But this is really stressing me out. I decided to hold off on med school. I don’t think I’m ready to start four years of academic hell right away. I think I’ve written about this before. So for a while I floated around in uncertainty with what to do once May roles around. I consider graduation the death of my youth. I’m not sure why. I feel like I should be wearing black to that ceremony and not a cap and gown.
So I’m not prepared. Luckily, my directionless self was contacted by a Teach for America recruiter. I decided to apply, because spending two years of my life teaching in a random place that is decided for me doesn’t sound so bad. I like teaching (I started teaching introductory Biology this semester). Granted, Teach for America is ridiculously competitive. Last year 55,000 applied and they accepted 6,000. I’ve beaten odds like that before, but nothing’s ever a done deal. I did make it to the final interview round, so we’ll see what happens.
I don’t think I’m going to have a sense of comfort or security until I figure out what I’m doing after May 4th. I know I want to go to medical school eventually. I’m just not ready yet. I’m only 19 and let’s be real…I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I mean I hang out with people I don’t even like, party three times a week even though I know it’s killing me, but yet I’m getting the best grades of my college career. Nothing makes sense. Nothing at all.
I think if I knew P wanted to talk to me I would contact him. I never want to be in a relationship with him again, that’s for sure. I honestly don’t think I could ever be attracted to him. However, I really miss having someone to talk to. I just miss having a guy to talk to. I’m definitely really lonely.
I guess I’m just not used to this. Since I was 14, I always had a guy that I was texting or IMing or something. Even after I broke up with P and stopped talking to him, there was D and then G. This is the longest period of time I’ve gone without anyone there. I mean I can talk to my friends and my mom, but it’s not the same.
I’m hoping I get used to it. I don’t like feeling as though I need something that is provided by someone else. Granted, I do have to give myself credit. Every girl I know would have contacted P by now. I honestly don’t know any girl that’s been able to break up with their ex and completely stop talking to him. I’ve actually succeeded at that, and for over a year. I’m proud of myself for that. He had such a hold on me and now he doesn’t anymore. I think I could keep that control too, even if we started talking again. I’d rather not go there though or test those waters. Better safe than sorry.
1. I’m happy with my life
2. Partying three nights a week is fun
3. I have real friends
4. I love being single
5. I hate P
6. I don’t miss him either
7. I don’t need a man in my life
8. I’m not lonely
9. I hate being touched
10. Being alone is easier
There I did it. 10 lies I tell myself and everyone else to make it through the day. My life is so artificial right now. None of it is real or living. It’s an existence. It’s not me. It’s the person I wish I could be. The popular, care free, single girl. I can never be her. I can pretend. I do it all day, every day. But at night I lay in bed and feel so god damned empty. I don’t connect with anybody. I don’t use my brain the way I should. I can’t if I want to keep being accepted in the world I’m trapped in. Its horrible.
And yes, I know I’m the bitch who is complaining about being popular and cool. It’s not fun though. It only looks like that on the outside. Everyone on the inside is secretly miserable. They’re all faking it. Most just don’t even realize it. Because we would rather be accepted than show our true selves and risk social ostracism. I’m guilty of it. I started acting dumber so I could have more “friends”. They aren’t even people I could count on either. They are too self absorbed. How stupid is that? Why did I ever think I wanted this?
I’m so glad so many are happy that I’m back to blogging. It’s nice to know that I was missed. Unfortunately, I’m a busy bee so I doubt I will be able to post once a day like I used to. I do enjoy this though. I like releasing my thoughts. They don’t seem to suffocate me as much when I have an outlet. It’s just hard to find the time, but I’m doing my best. Anyways, on to the topic of the day:
I want to talk to P. I know this is a completely, terrible, miserable, horrible idea. It’s actually been over a year since we’ve spoken. I wonder what he is doing and how he is. I know he lives in Manhattan now and works in IT. I also have absolutely no idea why I want to talk to him so badly. It doesn’t make sense to me and it makes me feel like a freaking pitiful person. Why on Earth would I ever want to communicate with someone who was so horrible to me?
I know the answer. He was my best friend for four years. We talked every day for nearly 1,500 days (yes, I just did that math). There was definitely a strong bond. We knew each other inside and out. Then that all got ripped away. It just suddenly ended. I think I was in shock for most of last year. I had so many emotions that the only thing I could fathom feeling was numb.
I’m finally beginning to comprehend the gigantic hole it left. Before I just felt empty, now I at least understand where the pain lies and why it is there. I guess you could call that progress? Maybe? I’m not really sure. I mostly just try to ignore it now, bury it deep. I’m hoping it will eventually just go away. I doubt that is going to work. It’s pretty much eating me from the inside out at this point. I just can’t bring myself to talk about it. It’s too painful, forming the words hurts that much. If I could explain how it feels, I would. There are no words though. The best I can do is that it hurts so much that trying to say anything about it suffocates me. I get a lump in my throat and feel overwhelming pain. Then I just say, “I’m fine” and hope it all will go away. It’s not going away though. I’ve been waiting a year for it to chance. It never does.