Emptiness. There’s a whole lot of that inside. It’s coupled with a painful ache in my breast that continues on and on, no matter what I do. I know I have become numb to many of this world’s emotions. Maybe because I live in a house where every member of the family is using something to dull their pain. My dad chooses the stereotypical: narcotics, marijuana, and alcohol. My younger brother can’t go a day without smoking weed. He’s thoroughly addicted. My parents are completely aware and do nothing about it. My mom is addicted to escapism. All she does is read romance novels anymore. She used to be very active, but now all she wants to do is envision her dream man and ignore the mess of a husband sitting next to her. I think that’s what has hurt me the most this summer, seeing how much my family is suffering. I’ve lived in this misery for three months. I’ve tried my best to try and fix it, but I don’t think I’m capable. The only one who will even acknowledge there’s a problem is my brother, but the only way he knows how to handle it is by getting high. I regret living at home this summer, but I really had no choice if I wanted to be a part of my internship at CHOP. That experience has made this hell worth it, but I can say I am counting the days until I go back to Penn State.
I have to admit I have my own addiction though. It gets worse every time something bad happens. I’m obsessed with chasing perfection. At first it was just school. I could save myself from the pain by immersing myself in studies and extracurricular activities. There’s always been something driving me to be the best. However, this summer I have had no school so my perfectionism has become focused on something else, fitness. I workout six times a week and I eat nothing but lean protein, whole grains, fruits and vegetables. I’m not really sure what my goal is, except to achieve physical perfection. I know that’s not possible, but I’m striving for it anyways. At this point, I feel like my body is the only thing in life that I have control over anymore.
I’m sorry for all the “Oh woe is me!” whining I’ve been doing. I just really needed to get all this out somewhere. I honestly have no one to talk to that I trust with this kind of personal stuff. I need to let it all out. I feel calmer and more at peace now that I’ve said it somewhere. I’m hoping eventually I’ll just be able to let it all go.