They say time heals all wounds. That if you’re just patient and you wait it out, you’ll make it through. The memories are supposed to fade. The sharp sting of the pain turns into a dull ache. Eventually it will fade, you’ll feel better and everything will seem brighter. That’s what they say happens. I used to believe them.
It’s been one year since I was raped. One year since I escaped P’s misery. I think it hurts worse than ever. I thought this was supposed to go away. I keep remembering more and more. Everything my mind locked away is coming flooding back. Maybe it’s because I’m more aware of how bad it really was now. I’m still not equipped to handle this. It makes me feel so empty, so broken. Most of all alone. No one knows how much I go through in a single day. I can’t talk about it. I can’t cry about it. I don’t understand how you can equate words or emotions to an experience like that. They just won’t come anymore. I don’t even know if I could describe it to someone bothered to ask what it feels like.
No one will ask though. I hide behind a facade of perfection. I’ve gotten even more successful this summer. Leadership positions, recommendations and awards keep flowing my direction. Everyone I work with loves me. I have a feeling many would be stunned if you told them what I was hiding. I wouldn’t want anyone to know though. The image of me would be ruined if they realized how weak I really was. I also don’t want to put the burden of what I’ve been through on anyone else’s shoulders.
I don’t want to be this messed up. I want to be strong. I just don’t know how to deal with this. How can you handle something like that? I can’t make four years of my life disappear. I can’t erase the betrayal of having someone you love do something so horrible to you. It won’t go away. No matter how hard I try it just won’t go away. I just find myself becoming more and more numb, retreating further inside myself and behind my walls. I’m afraid I’ll get to a point where I’ll never be able to open up or trust again.
At this point I’m just praying that someone will come along that really cares, because I can’t do this by myself. I can see through people. I know when they are really hurting and need someone to talk to. I feel it radiating off of them like an energy. And there’s something about me that makes them want to open up. I’ve had everyone from close friends to complete strangers tell me their deepest, darkest secrets. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to that’s kind and honest. That’s what I try to be. That’s what I really need right now. I don’t have anyone in my life like that at this point though. My parents are useless, and I wouldn’t trust any of my friends not to tell someone. I guess right now all I have is me. I’m going to have to push through alone.