The Meaning Of Life


I haven’t felt this emotionally tired in a long time. I know I’m receding deeper into numbness. I don’t really care at this point though. I need it for survival. I have to keep going somehow. If I have to feel nothing for a little while longer in order to ensure that, then so be it. Nothing is better then the pain I’m experiencing. It’s too much.

I’m too sensitive. I know that. I was born that way. According to my mom, I’ve been like this since day one. I’m hyper aware of my surroundings and everyone around me. I feel everything to the extreme. I just absorb emotion like a sponge. It makes me good at empathizing and understanding; it also makes me really easy to hurt. I like to be strong, but I’ll be honest. I feel really hurt right now. By P, G, A, and a few other people. I don’t want to sit here and whine about the injustices that have been done to me. That’s not productive. I just need to acknowledge it. I am hurt.

Where do I go from here? I’m not really sure. At this point I just need to keep soldiering on. Hopefully, I’ll be doing some EMTing soon which will be a welcome distraction. I’ve also been studying for the MCAT. Not very well though. I’m having an impossible time concentrating. All of this bad stuff can’t have come at a worse time. But that’s life right? It’s hard. It’s supposed to be hard. Sometimes I wonder what the point is though. I want to know why we are all here. I like to think it’s so we can develop into better people, and teach our children to be better people. My parents definitely instilled that belief in me. I hope that’s what life is all about. It’s what I’m living/going to live for. No matter how much others hurt me, I don’t want to take it out on anyone else. In fact, it just makes me want to help more. I wouldn’t inflict this pain on anyone. I want to heal, because I know just how terrible it is to hurt. No one deserves it.

 

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2 thoughts on “The Meaning Of Life

  1. You’re learning. G seemed like an awesome guy and I’m assuming he never replied, but guys are guys. Not only is he a guy, he’s young and he’s transitioning. People who are together in one scenario don’t generally stay together when moving onto another area of their life unless they had time and serious dedication. You ARE young and just because YOU have been through a lot, doesn’t mean those guys you date will be mature yet and also doesn’t mean you’re quite “there” to pick up on the guys who aren’t worth it. Hell, I’m 26 and have dated my fair share of people, lived with the ex, and I still can’t always pick up what’s going on in a guy’s head. And with what happened with your “friend,” it’s unfortunate. I see girls acting like that pretty often (luckily not with my own friends) but girls do that. I don’t really know what to say you make this better, but you’re learning so much and you’re going to get through it and it sucks and it hurts but you WILL be okay. And it’s not that G or your friend meant to hurt you, they just don’t know any better.

  2. Keep going! It gets better, trust me. It may take some time and it may continue to hurt along the way, but keep with it. There are too many good people out there for you to never meet them.

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