I haven’t felt this emotionally tired in a long time. I know I’m receding deeper into numbness. I don’t really care at this point though. I need it for survival. I have to keep going somehow. If I have to feel nothing for a little while longer in order to ensure that, then so be it. Nothing is better then the pain I’m experiencing. It’s too much.
I’m too sensitive. I know that. I was born that way. According to my mom, I’ve been like this since day one. I’m hyper aware of my surroundings and everyone around me. I feel everything to the extreme. I just absorb emotion like a sponge. It makes me good at empathizing and understanding; it also makes me really easy to hurt. I like to be strong, but I’ll be honest. I feel really hurt right now. By P, G, A, and a few other people. I don’t want to sit here and whine about the injustices that have been done to me. That’s not productive. I just need to acknowledge it. I am hurt.
Where do I go from here? I’m not really sure. At this point I just need to keep soldiering on. Hopefully, I’ll be doing some EMTing soon which will be a welcome distraction. I’ve also been studying for the MCAT. Not very well though. I’m having an impossible time concentrating. All of this bad stuff can’t have come at a worse time. But that’s life right? It’s hard. It’s supposed to be hard. Sometimes I wonder what the point is though. I want to know why we are all here. I like to think it’s so we can develop into better people, and teach our children to be better people. My parents definitely instilled that belief in me. I hope that’s what life is all about. It’s what I’m living/going to live for. No matter how much others hurt me, I don’t want to take it out on anyone else. In fact, it just makes me want to help more. I wouldn’t inflict this pain on anyone. I want to heal, because I know just how terrible it is to hurt. No one deserves it.