A Selfish Coward


I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the gut. There’s a pit in my stomach and I just want to throw up. I suppose I should explain part of why I feel this way. This isn’t all of it, but these events definitely compounded everything. Two days ago, G and I still had not talked. I got word from Bryan that he had gone out to the bars with G and some of the other frat brothers and G had brought a girl with him. Bryan said he didn’t know the nature of the relationship. At first, I was absolutely furious. Then my parents reminded me I might be at fault too, because I just left to go home and never told him when I was leaving. I accepted that and decided to just talk to him.

So I IMed him, and he seemed really excited that I did. He also told me he decided not to go to California and was applying for a job in New Jersey. We talked for a couple of hours and then he signed off. The next morning as soon as I got online he IMed me to talk some more. I thought things were going well. I ended the conversation after an hour though, because I had to study for the MCAT. I’m not the type of person that likes to be stuck in limbo though. I wanted to know what was going on with us. I didn’t want anything specific. I just wanted to know if he wanted to continue what we started. So I started another conversation with him, and then I sent this, “Look I know you’re really busy trying to figure out your life and where you’re going but I just need to know if you want to continue what we started. I’m a patient person and I can wait for you to figure things out , but I at least need to know that.” He never responded. He was online for an hour after that and nothing.

So yeah, I think that is that. Seriously, how much of a coward do you have to be to not answer that over IM? I’m so angry and I feel stupid. Clearly, this guy is an asshole. I didn’t see it. I think it’s because he’s got himself convinced he’s a good person when really he’s not. My brother thinks he just doesn’t know what he wants and he’s going to contact me soon. My mom thinks he’s a soulless bastard. I guess when I look at the situation honestly I fall somewhere in the middle. I’m still pissed though. I don’t deserve to be treated like that.

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