I’m in a really sad state lately. I think the semester was just too much. I had a lot on my plate, and it cracked by the end. G and A are also compounding the situation. All of this stress is making all of the aftermath from P worse. I’m having terrible dreams, and I can barely stay asleep for two hours. I feel so tired, yet at the same time I’m extremely restless. I can’t sit still. I keep looking for something to do, and trying to go somewhere. The only thing I have to do for the next two weeks is study for the MCAT. I might go stir crazy.
I wanted to take this post to update on what happened/is happening with A and G. I’ll start with A. Basically, for the last two weeks of school she up and stopped talking to me. She would snap at me to turn my music off or yell at me for something dumb, but other then that she said nothing. It was finals and all so I did not want to deal with it. I’m a pretty strong personality and I knew that if I got into a fight with her while I was stressed it would be really bad. So I just kept to myself. The day I left, she came in and said, “I’m sorry about what you heard yesterday. You weren’t supposed to hear that.” I had no idea what she was talking about, and she quickly said nevermind and tried to brush it off. I told her I wasn’t stupid and knew she was mad at me regardless. She then proceeded to tell me that I was a selfish friend and didn’t do enough for her. Apparently, she does so much for me and I don’t appreciate it. And she took some precious time to comfort me that she could have spent with Cameron. So she was mad at me and decided to see if I cared by not talking to me. Since I didn’t come groveling to her feet she concluded I didn’t care about her and had replaced her with S. I was at the end of my rope and I lost it on her. I’m pretty sure the entire building could hear us screaming at each other. It was bad. Eventually, I had to leave to turn in something for my med school applications and when I came back she was gone. I left for home that day and haven’t seen or heard from her since.
The G situation is not much better. I have no idea what to do with him at this point either. At the beginning of last week, I told him I was going to be really busy but I wanted to try and see him before I left on Friday. I didn’t hear from him all week, and at that point I thought he was just done with me. Then he texted me Friday seeing if I wanted to get lunch before I went home. Of course, I had already left and was driving. I told him that, and that I would talk to him later. I got home that night and IMed him. We didn’t really get a chance to talk though because his graduation ceremony was at 8pm and I IMed him around 6:30. We haven’t talked since. I know it’s a really busy time for him, because it’s graduation weekend. I also know he’s scared, because he doesn’t want to leave school and enter the real world. Part of me wants to reach out to him, and the other part wants to wait and see if he reaches out to me. I don’t know what to do, because I don’t know if his absence is fear or if he doesn’t like me anymore. The last time we saw each other (a week ago), he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else and didn’t want to see anyone else. But a lot can change in a week. Especially, when it’s the week you are graduating college.
This decision would be easier for me if I knew what I wanted from my life. At this point, I’m pretty sure if I don’t reach out to him he’ll be gone. I have this feeling that he thinks I’m upset with him because we didn’t see each other last week. And since I have moved three hours away it’s not exactly easy for us to see each other. The problem with this is that we both are rational thinkers. The rational part of my brain is telling me to just take the easy exit. I’m sure his is too. I’ve learned to follow logic. In the past, when I’ve followed my heart it just breaks me. That’s why I’m not sure if I want to take this risk. I don’t know if I’m ready to put myself out there. In my state, I don’t know if I could handle the hurt. I hurt already though. So I guess the decision is just whether or not it’s worth it to risk more pain. I’m really not sure.