“Perfect people don’t break.” A quote from a book I just finished titled Cracked Up to Be. This is the mantra my sick and twisted mind lives by. My life is wildly successful. I can handle anything. There is nothing I can’t do. No matter how much you pile on my plate, I’ll make it work. And it will be perfect. 100%. Flawless. What else am I perfect at? Lying to myself…
I have realized that I am not okay. I am broken. You can’t go through what I went through, and just be fine. It doesn’t work that way. My perfectionist self wants to pretend that I can just be alright. “My life is functioning great. Better then ever. Of course I’m okay.” I told these lies to my mother just yesterday. Perhaps they aren’t lies. I’ve just gotten really good at hiding from the pain, the scars, the numb. I needed a book to help me realize this. I was in tears by the time I was done reading it. The main character was basically me. Her circumstances were different, but her emotional responses were exactly the same. I felt like I was watching myself falter and fall.
My perfect facade almost shattered last week. A couple more days and I would have had a complete mental breakdown. Now I’m trying to fight my way out of it. I don’t think I’m strong enough. Maybe there are some things you just can’t heal from by yourself. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this. I can barely even comprehend what happened to me. I’ve done a god damned good job at repressing the bad memories. What even happened those past four years? What was real and what was a lie? I couldn’t tell you. I don’t know the answers to those questions. I just feel lost.
I just want a break. My mind is so burdened, and my heart is carrying an even heavier load. I’m just so tired. I don’t want to be broken anymore. I don’t want to bleed. I don’t want to keep making myself numb so it won’t hurt anymore. This sick, torturous cycle just needs to end. I am the problem solver. I can fix anything. So why can’t I fix this? This is me. I should have figured this one out by now. If I can’t make me better, then who can? What can?
I don’t believe this time heals all wounds bullshit. I’m pretty sure it’s getting worse not better, and it’s been seven months. More and more repressed memories just keep bubbling back up. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that on top of applying to medical school? Perfection will get me through the application process, but it’s not going to solve this psychological trauma. Perfection has tried really hard….and it’s just not working.