An Emotional Shut Down


In many ways, the effects of being in an abusive relationship are wearing off. I’m certainly not paranoid anymore. I don’t look over my shoulder when I walk places or see P’s face in every crowd. I’m starting to feel less guilty about it. I have realized it was not my fault. I was just young and silly. We are all that way. I just made some bigger mistakes then most. It’s not something I should be beating my elf up over though. That won’t help me heal or become a better person.

However, a new problem has arisen. Actually, this isn’t a new problem at all. I have just finally realized and accepted it to be an issue. The other day G commented, “You know, you are always really quiet after we have sex.” I didn’t know what to think of it, but he was right. I started pondering that more and how I feel while we are having sex, and I had an epiphany. I feel nothing. I emotionally shut down. And I should be feeling something, because I do like him. I remember it used to be a hurricane of emotions when I first started having sex with P. It feels awesome with G, but I can’t make a connection.

I know what happens. I go into survival mode again. I was conditioned to it for years. It really was the only way to not go completely crazy. P tortured me. He was a sadist. He enjoyed hurting me and seeing me cry. Living through that would mess anyone up I think. I’m just not sure how to heal from it. It will probably just take time. I know I should probably address the issue with G as well. He needs to know what’s going on. He would probably try and help. That is, if we ever get the chance. There’s more going on with him, but I will have to save that post for tomorrow. I’m exhausted. This past week has been absolutely hell, definitely my worst week of the year. It was finals, which is why I disappeared, and a whole lot of other crazy bullshit happened too. Again, I have to write about it later because I’m just too tired to think about it right now.

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