A Life Made Orange, The Final Post

I started this blog with the goal of healing, the goal of understanding what happened to me and the goal of making my life orange. I have achieved two out of three of those goals and I am well on my way to the third. Healing is going to take time, a lot more time. The pain gets better every day and G is doing worlds for some of my issues. The other day he told me he wanted me to let my walls down with him. He said he knew it would take time for me to trust him, but he was willing to be patient and do whatever he could to help. Then he added the quote, “Life and love alike is a marathon not a sprint.” We still have a long way to go and there are a lot of things that are going to work against us. I feel like I got really lucky with him though. He seems to know exactly what I need, and he is willing to do it.

I now understand that what happened to me was not my fault. P is sick. He is a sexual sadist, a narcissist and an alcoholic. I didn’t deserve any of the evil or torture I experienced. I got sucked into his dark, twisted world. I recently found out that he didn’t graduate this year and he was supposed to. I can’t help but wonder what happened and why. He had a 3.5 GPA and only 12 credits left to complete. He must have really screwed up. I’m thinking his life might finally be falling apart. Brilliance can only go so far in keeping a messed up person afloat. He was in the process of drowning for a long time. I was the only one who could see it. I guess his baggage finally drug him underwater.

Finally, I wanted to make my life orange. It is. My world is brilliantly glowing, and I shine wherever I go now. People respond differently to me then they did a year ago. They are drawn to me instead of repelled. It makes me very happy and it makes me more secure in my decision of medicine as a career. I have the ability to help people and have a positive effect on their lives now that I have taken the time to put my own life in a good place. There is always room for improvement, but I am quite satisfied with where I am at right now.

So the question becomes, where do I go from here? I think it’s time to close the door on this blog. It has served its purpose well, but I don’t need it anymore. At this point, too much focus on P will have a negative effect on my progress. It’s time to put him in the past and move forward. He needs to be left behind. However, I don’t want to stop writing. I love writing. I have two thoughts of what I should do next. The first is to start a new blog. It would probably be more centered around school, dating and G. A lot less of the dark stuff. The second thought is to write a memoir. A memoir about my journey to healing. I might make a blog to accompany it, so I can post parts of it as I write them. I still don’t believe there are enough women out there who are telling their stories. Domestic violence is still very much covered up and hidden in the dark shadows. I know this would require me to still focus on P, but it would be different from this blog and I think it would be healthy.

To my readers, I love you all. I thank you for taking this journey with me. Some of you were there at times when I had nobody else and I really appreciate that. Any feedback from you guys on where I should go from here would be greatly appreciated. You mean a lot to me. I wish you all the very best.

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Another Year Older

Tomorrow is my birthday. I’m going to be nineteen. I was thinking about it and I’ve basically been racing the Indy 500 my entire life. I’m two years ahead of my “peers”. They don’t even feel like my peers anymore, because I’m in a completely different world. They just finished their freshmen year of college. I’m applying to medical school and getting ready for senior year. Sometimes I wonder if I’m ready. Maybe I should slow down.

Then I think, well if I slowed down what would I do? Beats me. I could take a year off before I go to med school. I probably will if my MCAT scores don’t come out very well. I’m going to be bored though. Really the only thing you can do with a degree in Biology is be a lab tech or go to some form of graduate/professional school. I’ll probably go to paramedic school if I take a year off. That would be something I would actually enjoy. Making money wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. I just already know being a lab tech would be torturous. I don’t know anyone that likes doing the same thing 500 times a day ¬†for forty hours a week.

I was trying to figure out where I was headed and what I actually wanted from life. I don’t want to be all about my career. I’m also pretty sure that only work cannot make you happy. The happiest people I see are the ones with good marriages and kids. I want that some day. Probably not children for a very long time. However, I am pretty positive I will have kids. I’m also pretty positive I will get married. Although thinking about that stuff freaks me out. I’m already far enough ahead as is. I need to get through the MCAT and these applications before I start thinking about the next step.

This Crazy Life

I’m pretty much stunned. I still can’t believe that happened last night. If you had told me yesterday afternoon that G was not only going to contact me, but also say he wanted to start something real I might have sent you to an insane asylum. Yet here we are. I’m happy, I certainly have some concerns but I’m glad it didn’t end the way I thought it would.

Life is pretty crazy and unpredictable. That’s for sure. Just when I start to think I’m figuring things out, something happens that blows my mind. One thing I am starting to realize is that most people aren’t as secure as I am. I can actually honestly say I love myself (maybe a little too much). Many are also afraid to be open and honest. I have no idea why. Honesty is the best policy. I am 100% sure of this. Yeah sometimes telling the truth makes people mad at you. That’s usually only temporary though and I think it’s always worth it. They will be more mad if they find out you lied.

I was also thinking last night about what I wanted from G. Then I realized, I don’t really need anything from him. It’s just nice to have him around. He’s supportive and nice to talk to. It’s all just perks. He can’t offer anything that I need. I get everything I need from myself. I think that’s important. That was the whole problem with my relationship with P. It was unhealthy, because I needed him. With G, I want him but I don’t need him. There’s a huge difference. It’s nice. I definitely feel like a healthier person then I was this time last year. Granted, I do still have a long way to go. But as long as there is progress I will always have hope.

 

The New WordPress Sucks (And Good News!)

First of all I would just like to say that I hate the changes that have been made to WordPress. They made reading other people’s blogs so much more difficult it’s insane. I was wondering why my number of viewers had dropped dramatically, but now I understand why. WordPress people, if any of you read or see this blog, change it back. It’s terrible. You don’t need to be a master at website design to understand that. Just make an attempt to locate something you want to read, and you’ll understand what I mean. But that is not what I wanted to talk about so I digress…

I heard from G. Yup, my brother’s a winner. He’s never going to let me live this one down. He hit the nail on the head. On Tuesday my brother predicted that G would contact me by the end of the week apologizing and saying he needed time to think about an answer to my question. That is exactly what happened. My mind was blown. Apparently us females just can’t understand men. Anyways, G apologized but I told him I was still really upset with him. He asked me if I was willing to talk about it. I said yes and then demanded an answer to my question (I still wasn’t feeling very patient with him). He said, “I’d love to try and get something going.” I was floored. It was not what I was expecting at all. I guess two days is all the boy needed to completely make up his mind.

I’m sure you all want to know what I said back. It took me a really long time to respond, because I just had no idea that was coming. I thought about it though, and I knew I wanted the same thing. It was the reason I asked him that question in the first place. So I told G I would like to as well. He was really surprised. Partially, because he thought I’d be eternally mad at him and also because he can’t understand why I like him. Someone needs to work on their self confidence. That’s for sure. His fear of me not liking him is part of the reason we’ve been having so much trouble getting this started. Boys are silly.

Oh and G’s not completely out of the dark. I can’t say I trust him yet. I still expect him to disappear or something again. I’m giving this a shot though, because I do feel like I connect with him. Like I said earlier, that does not happen very often. I can’t just let that go. It certainly would be easier and safer. I never do anything easy though, and I’m done playing it safe. It’s time to take some risks.

The Meaning Of Life

I haven’t felt this emotionally tired in a long time. I know I’m receding deeper into numbness. I don’t really care at this point though. I need it for survival. I have to keep going somehow. If I have to feel nothing for a little while longer in order to ensure that, then so be it. Nothing is better then the pain I’m experiencing. It’s too much.

I’m too sensitive. I know that. I was born that way. According to my mom, I’ve been like this since day one. I’m hyper aware of my surroundings and everyone around me. I feel everything to the extreme. I just absorb emotion like a sponge. It makes me good at empathizing and understanding; it also makes me really easy to hurt. I like to be strong, but I’ll be honest. I feel really hurt right now. By P, G, A, and a few other people. I don’t want to sit here and whine about the injustices that have been done to me. That’s not productive. I just need to acknowledge it. I am hurt.

Where do I go from here? I’m not really sure. At this point I just need to keep soldiering on. Hopefully, I’ll be doing some EMTing soon which will be a welcome distraction. I’ve also been studying for the MCAT. Not very well though. I’m having an impossible time concentrating. All of this bad stuff can’t have come at a worse time. But that’s life right? It’s hard. It’s supposed to be hard. Sometimes I wonder what the point is though. I want to know why we are all here. I like to think it’s so we can develop into better people, and teach our children to be better people. My parents definitely instilled that belief in me. I hope that’s what life is all about. It’s what I’m living/going to live for. No matter how much others hurt me, I don’t want to take it out on anyone else. In fact, it just makes me want to help more. I wouldn’t inflict this pain on anyone. I want to heal, because I know just how terrible it is to hurt. No one deserves it.

 

A Selfish Coward

I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the gut. There’s a pit in my stomach and I just want to throw up. I suppose I should explain part of why I feel this way. This isn’t all of it, but these events definitely compounded everything. Two days ago, G and I still had not talked. I got word from Bryan that he had gone out to the bars with G and some of the other frat brothers and G had brought a girl with him. Bryan said he didn’t know the nature of the relationship. At first, I was absolutely furious. Then my parents reminded me I might be at fault too, because I just left to go home and never told him when I was leaving. I accepted that and decided to just talk to him.

So I IMed him, and he seemed really excited that I did. He also told me he decided not to go to California and was applying for a job in New Jersey. We talked for a couple of hours and then he signed off. The next morning as soon as I got online he IMed me to talk some more. I thought things were going well. I ended the conversation after an hour though, because I had to study for the MCAT. I’m not the type of person that likes to be stuck in limbo though. I wanted to know what was going on with us. I didn’t want anything specific. I just wanted to know if he wanted to continue what we started. So I started another conversation with him, and then I sent this, “Look I know you’re really busy trying to figure out your life and where you’re going but I just need to know if you want to continue what we started. I’m a patient person and I can wait for you to figure things out , but I at least need to know that.” He never responded. He was online for an hour after that and nothing.

So yeah, I think that is that. Seriously, how much of a coward do you have to be to not answer that over IM? I’m so angry and I feel stupid. Clearly, this guy is an asshole. I didn’t see it. I think it’s because he’s got himself convinced he’s a good person when really he’s not. My brother thinks he just doesn’t know what he wants and he’s going to contact me soon. My mom thinks he’s a soulless bastard. I guess when I look at the situation honestly I fall somewhere in the middle. I’m still pissed though. I don’t deserve to be treated like that.

Inhumanity And Exhaustion

I would just like to say that everything is not better. It is worse. It just keeps getting worse. I don’t even have the heart to blog anymore. I feel so kicked, so beaten down by life. I’m tired. I’m so god damned tired and I am only turning 19 on Sunday. This world is cruel. The people in it are not good. It makes me so sad. I feel surrounded by inhumanity.

When are we going to realize that our actions effect others? People just can’t seem to see outside themselves anymore. I feel incapable of doing anything but. All I see around me are people suffering at the hands of others. The suffering ones then, in turn, inflict more pain upon more people. It’s a vicious cycle. I hate watching it and I hate falling victim to it. I am more and more, because I just can’t fucking do that to someone. I’m not too nice. I’m just aware. I know when what I say or do will hurt someone. I actually think about that. I respect other people. Not for any reason, but just because I think that everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

I want to be a good person. That’s what I want out of life. I want to be a good person and I want to be happy. Right now I just feel like everything is trying its god damned hardest to beat the good out of me. I want to meet a compassionate person. I just need to interact with someone who sees how much I’ve been through and cuts me a break. I really, really need one. I just want one, little thing to be easy. I want something to go right for once. I’m tired of jumping hurdles and climbing mountains. I work so hard to be good. To do right by myself and others. I don’t feel like it’s paying off. I’m not going to stop though. I’m just exhausted, and I really need a break. I know I won’t get one and I have to keep going. I just really want to give up right now. It would be so much easier just to give up. I won’t though. I can’t.