I started this blog with the goal of healing, the goal of understanding what happened to me and the goal of making my life orange. I have achieved two out of three of those goals and I am well on my way to the third. Healing is going to take time, a lot more time. The pain gets better every day and G is doing worlds for some of my issues. The other day he told me he wanted me to let my walls down with him. He said he knew it would take time for me to trust him, but he was willing to be patient and do whatever he could to help. Then he added the quote, “Life and love alike is a marathon not a sprint.” We still have a long way to go and there are a lot of things that are going to work against us. I feel like I got really lucky with him though. He seems to know exactly what I need, and he is willing to do it.
I now understand that what happened to me was not my fault. P is sick. He is a sexual sadist, a narcissist and an alcoholic. I didn’t deserve any of the evil or torture I experienced. I got sucked into his dark, twisted world. I recently found out that he didn’t graduate this year and he was supposed to. I can’t help but wonder what happened and why. He had a 3.5 GPA and only 12 credits left to complete. He must have really screwed up. I’m thinking his life might finally be falling apart. Brilliance can only go so far in keeping a messed up person afloat. He was in the process of drowning for a long time. I was the only one who could see it. I guess his baggage finally drug him underwater.
Finally, I wanted to make my life orange. It is. My world is brilliantly glowing, and I shine wherever I go now. People respond differently to me then they did a year ago. They are drawn to me instead of repelled. It makes me very happy and it makes me more secure in my decision of medicine as a career. I have the ability to help people and have a positive effect on their lives now that I have taken the time to put my own life in a good place. There is always room for improvement, but I am quite satisfied with where I am at right now.
So the question becomes, where do I go from here? I think it’s time to close the door on this blog. It has served its purpose well, but I don’t need it anymore. At this point, too much focus on P will have a negative effect on my progress. It’s time to put him in the past and move forward. He needs to be left behind. However, I don’t want to stop writing. I love writing. I have two thoughts of what I should do next. The first is to start a new blog. It would probably be more centered around school, dating and G. A lot less of the dark stuff. The second thought is to write a memoir. A memoir about my journey to healing. I might make a blog to accompany it, so I can post parts of it as I write them. I still don’t believe there are enough women out there who are telling their stories. Domestic violence is still very much covered up and hidden in the dark shadows. I know this would require me to still focus on P, but it would be different from this blog and I think it would be healthy.
To my readers, I love you all. I thank you for taking this journey with me. Some of you were there at times when I had nobody else and I really appreciate that. Any feedback from you guys on where I should go from here would be greatly appreciated. You mean a lot to me. I wish you all the very best.