Where Am I Going?

I have no idea where my life is going. I feel absolutely, completely lost. Nothing is secure. Everything is floating out in empty space. I could be anywhere in a year. That is scary. There are so many questions that have yet to be answered of what will happen in my life. I have so many decisions left to make. It’s a struggle, because it is all overwhelming me at once.

G is accepting the job in California. They made him a great offer and are going to pay for his relocation. I can’t blame him. However, when I found out initially I felt like someone socked me in the gut. My first instinct was to cut him out of my life. I could tell he sensed that. Once I calmed down I didn’t want to do that. I ended up spending almost all of Saturday with him. I went with him to his best friend’s senior piano recital in the afternoon. Then I had an end of the year dinner for synchronized swimming so I thought we would part ways. He texted me asking how the dinner was though and we ended up deciding to meet up afterwards. At first, we were going to go hang out at his fraternity house with some other brothers. But we decided we would rather spend the night in together.

It was one of the best Saturday nights I’ve had all semester and I didn’t even go out or drink. We are getting to a point where we are really comfortable together. The nerves are gone and we both know we really like each other. It’s really great….and he’s going to California. Fuck my life. I live in Pennsylvania. California might as well be another country. I’ve never even been there. This absolutely sucks. I’m not really sure what we’re going to do. We both know we need to have that conversation. Neither of us brought it up last night though. I think we both just wanted to enjoy our time together. A talk like that would have spoiled the mood.

I really only have a plan for the next two weeks. I’m going to enjoy the time I have left with G. Just do my best to pretend like it’s not going to happen. The fraternity’s formal is on Friday. It’s like the college equivalent of prom. G asked me to be his date. Everyone gets all dressed up. There’s a really fancy dinner, dancing and then a party afterwards. I’m really excited for that. It should be fun. That shouldn’t be ruined just because he’s going to California. We should make as many memories as possible while we still can.



One thought on “Where Am I Going?

  1. I really wish my blog list would include your posts on it! I have no idea why it doesn’t (and doesn’t with a lot of others either). Anyway, I know this doesn’t seem like a positive, but you’re finding out that G is leaving before investing a ton of time into this. Not only that, but it still seems like you have healing to do from the relationship with P. Maybe G was there long enough to show you what you deserve from a man and to show you a little more of what you want, but not long enough to stop your process of growing. It’s hard to truly grow as a person when you’re with somebody. You’ll change, but you learn and grow the most when you’re single. You’re still young, and you spent a long time with P being torn down. So G has helped you get back up on your feet, and even with him gone, you’ll continue to stand alone. But he has taught you something and now you’ll never forget the type of person that’s out there, that you deserve.

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