My Own Worst Enemy

Everything is crashing and my back is breaking. The weight of the world on my shoulders has become too much. I know I put this pressure on myself. I have chosen my career path. I want to be a doctor. I want one of the hardest things to achieve in academia. That has been my decision. I wish I could pick something else, but nothing else feels right. This is really what I want to do. I don’t understand why the world seems to be trying so hard to take it away from me. Today I found out I’m ineligible for half the medical schools I want to apply to, because I took the 6 credit series of organic chemistry and not the 8 credit. The pre-med adviser I met with basically dismissed me the second I walked into her office. According to her, I’m not good enough. I should just apply to PA school.

I can handle enormous amounts of stress. People ask exorbitant amounts of me and it doesn’t phase me. What I can’t handle is myself. The person who asks the most of me is me. The person who puts me under the most pressure is me. My Type A personality and upbringing has conditioned me to believe that I must succeed and I must be the best. I’m cracking under the weight of it all. That’s for damn sure. P makes it all worse. He never believed in me. He never though I would amount to anything. He wanted me to be a teacher, so I could be a proper homemaker and take care of the kids. That’s what he thought I was worth. Out of all the people I want to prove wrong, he is number one. I want him to hear about how awesome I am doing through the grapevine. I want him to hear about how I have a great life, career, relationship…a great everything.

He needs to feel regret. He needs to feel remorse. Why do I think that me becoming a doctor will make him feel that? I have no idea. I guess the sad truth is I still want to prove myself to him. His voice is still in my head, always taunting me. “You aren’t good enough. You will never be good enough.” I don’t know how to get rid of it. He still haunts me. The other night I had a bad dream about him. I woke up with three new scratches on my legs. He scares me so much that I dig my fingers into myself in my sleep. That is ridiculous. When does it end? Someone please just tell me when this ends…


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