We Can Never Have It All

I have found that life has a funny way of never being easy. At least for me. I am constantly jumping over one hurdle or another to succeed. I am not complaining. This had made me a strong person that will persevere no matter what. However, sometimes I wish the man upstairs would cut me a break. I know this isn’t possible. Nothing is ever easy and no one can float through life without facing adversity. I’ve been through my fair share of it though. Haven’t I earned my stripes yet?

I haven’t been writing as much lately. Mostly because I’ve been insanely busy, but also because I have been having a hard time putting what I’m feeling into words. G is what I’m most frustrated about. We hung out yesterday and I spent the night at his place. It was really nice. We keep getting closer and more intimate every time we see each other. I know he cares about me. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I’m developing feelings too, and you know what? It sucks. Why? Because he is most likely going to go to California. I want to pull away just because of that. I’m holding onto hope that his potential offer in NYC will cut him a sweet deal though. There’s still a chance he could stay.

The worst part about it is that if he does leave, I’m going to spend a while wondering what we could have been. I can handle the loss. It’ll be a little sad, but I know I’ll heal quickly from it. What’s going to bother me is the not knowing. All this potential, yet nothing will come of it. I know G is feeling it too. I can hear it in his voice whenever he talks about California. I’m making the decision harder for him. I feel bad about that. I do want him to be able to do what is best for his career. I understand that. I would never be upset with him for choosing an excellent opportunity for his future.

And this is what is just not fair. I went through all that shit with P. Now, six months later, I’ve finally met someone I connect with and he’s going to leave. I haven’t connected with anyone since D, and I met D 2.5 years ago. It just doesn’t happen easily for me. I was happy, because life has finally given me a taste of something good. Now it’s going to steal it away. I guess it hasn’t happened yet. There’s still a chance he could stay. I just feel like it’s dwindling and I also know the way my love life works. It’s the aspect of my life that always fails. The payment I’ve had to make for all the success I’ve had with school and my career. We can never have it all.


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