Help. I’m Alive.


I was more numb then I thought. My relationship with P froze my heart and chilled my soul. I had forgotten what it was like to really feel again until yesterday. Today, the warm sun streamed down onto my face and I felt good. Better then I’ve felt in years. Better then I even knew I was capable of feeling.

I honestly have no idea where my life is going. Normally that scares me, but right now I feel strangely at peace. I have found a faith. A faith that tells me everything will work out the right way in the end. I don’t know if I want to apply to medical school right away. I may take a year off to do some soul searching. I have traveling I would like to do that I know I won’t have time for once I set foot on the path to becoming a doctor. There is also potential that I could be in a relationship again very soon. G is considering jobs in NYC, Fairfax and California. If he doesn’t go to California we are going to make it official. However, right now it is his best offer so it’s possible he will take that job. In that case, I will be letting him go in a couple months and we will remain just friends. I’m okay with it though. He needs to do what’s best for his life. I understand that and it doesn’t hurt at all. In fact, the whole experience has probably contributed to the warming of my soul so it’s a good thing.

I can’t exactly say I understand all of these good emotions. I did not remember that this was possible. I had forgotten what life could be like. I don’t need to be numb anymore for protection. I can feel again without fear. It is truly wonderful. I’m sure this is just the beginning, that more will come back with time. These feelings are just a beautiful reminder that I haven’t lost my humanity. My soul is still alive. My heart is still beating. No amount of darkness can take that away.

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