Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely overwhelmed. I am nearing the end of my junior year of college. I’ve only got one left. The time to apply for medical school is bearing down upon and me. And, like many, I’ve begun to wonder what I will do if I don’t get in. I have the right to be afraid though. In this economy, any college aged undergraduate should be worried about their future.
I am the type of person that is always looking ahead. I like to have Plans B, C and D just in case Plan A fails. Plan A is obviously to go to med school. I’m just having a hard time figuring out what I will do if that doesn’t work out. I have considered many options. One is to find a job in a biomedical research lab, be a paramedic in the meantime and apply again. Another is to apply for Teach for America. Finally, if I absolutely can’t get in, I could apply to PA school instead. It would be settling, but at least I could still work in the medical profession. Because honestly the only thing I want is to be able to help people.
G has certainly also made the future more cloudy. His presence is ominous and invading my plans. I was planning on him making an exit from my life at the end of the semester. He has made it pretty clear that is not what he wants. A month ago, I was pretty sure I would be single until the end of my time here at Penn State. I was completely fine with that. However, now I am riding a train with its final destination labeled “Relationship”. It honestly wouldn’t worry me as much if it wouldn’t be long distance. G is going to move to New York City. I mean during the summer he will only be two hours away by train, but during the school year it’s five hours by bus. Only four if I miraculously get a car. That’s still a lot of traveling. I’m afraid of committing to something like that. I know what being in a long distance relationship is like. Part of your mind is always somewhere else an it can be very lonely. The question becomes, “Is he worth it?” I do not know the answer to that right now. He pushes me in the direction of yes every day though.
This certainly is a tumultuous time of life. I have absolutely no idea where I will be a year and a half from now. That’s scary. The future is enshrouded in fog so thick there’s no way you can see through. It’s hard not to let it make you insecure and fearful. My mom always tells me to live in the present. But with my chosen career path it is impossible to do that. You must constantly plan or you will never get in. That’s the sad truth. I also need my other plans in case my med school dream doesn’t come true. As for G, I have no idea. I can at least take it day by day with him. I have a feeling I’ll have to make some big decisions soon though.