The Mind Says Run, The Heart Says Stay


I am happy. And terrified. Thursday’s are usually rough for me. I have organic chemistry lab from 8 am until 1. Wednesday nights I have synchro until 10:30. On a day with no homework that equates to very little sleep. Today I had a 12 page lab report due so I got three hours of sleep. Normally I plan a nap so I can make it through my physics class at 4. However, today had some unexpected surprises.

Halfway through my lab G texted me asking if I was free for lunch. I wasn’t expecting it at all because he was in Rhode Island until 11:30 last night for another job interview. I agreed to meet him and we basically ended up hanging out all day. We parted ways for our 4 pm classes after lunch and then he picked me up afterwards and we went back to his place. It all keeps getting more and more intimate. We cuddle more. The sex is more emotional. We are both getting really affectionate. It’s fucking scary.

I probably would have ended up staying the night, but his fraternity is initiating new brothers tonight. He insisted he would much rather stay with me which was cute. When he dropped me off, we kissed for a really long time and he said he was really glad he got to see me today. I was really happy when I went up to my room but the rational part of my brain was screaming, “This is bad!!”

I want to run. I want to run so much. My survival instincts are going off like sirens. I’m really not prepared to handle this. I wasn’t expecting it. I really just wanted to be single until medical school. I did not want to be involved with someone so soon after P. It has been over six months since I stopped talking to him, but it still feels like yesterday. I guess I just did not expect to find someone I connect with so well so quickly. It’s not exactly opportune timing either.

On the flip side, this is happening for a reason. I have a very strong belief that life hands you what you need, not what you want. Life has given me this boy who is everything P was not. He’s a man. He treats me with utmost respect and goes the distance to make sure I feel comfortable and secure. That’s exactly what I need from the first person I’m going to see after such a tumultuous relationship. Most importantly, being with G makes me really happy. We definitely connect. I believe that people radiate energy. And each person radiates a different type of energy. Mine is very active. I am a doer and I go go go all the time. My mind is always working and thinking. G’s energy fits with mine because it is much more laid back and calm. It relaxes me to be around him, which is good for me because I’m always in an excited state. I think he likes me, because I’m stimulating. It’s a good give and take.

Honestly, I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I do know that my heart feels happy. This is helping me heal. It’s giving me tastes of a good side of men that I had forgotten existed. I think that’s a very healthy to experience. I don’t really have hopes for where this will go, because it’s a tough road. I just want to live in the present and enjoy the time we have left together.

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One thought on “The Mind Says Run, The Heart Says Stay

  1. One common theme I’ve noticed with everybody, no matter the age, is they immediately begin to think about the future with somebody they think they’re in love with. I’m glad you’ve adopted the philosophy of living in the present and taking it day-by-day. Your mind telling you to run away and thinking too far ahead about what this man can do to you will actually hurt you more, almost as if you’re expecting failure. Good luck, I hope all is well.

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