Falling Again

Last night at formal G told me there’s a chance he might not be moving to California. Apparently his friend’s dad owns a renewable energy consulting firm in Princeton and he wants to offer him a job. If that happens I will be so happy. Princeton is only an hour from my hometown where I’ll be living in the summer. It would be very doable. I hope it comes through. I realized last night that I could fall for him. In fact, I may already be starting that process.

It’s so different from P. In a good way though. P wanted me completely attached to him from the get go which made our relationship extremely emotionally intense. I was also young so I fell in love with him hard and fast. There was no controlling it. It was like wildfire: dangerous and out of control. I also realized last night how a real boyfriend should behave. G was a perfect gentlemen at formal. He is so respectful of me and treats me like his equal. P never was. P always thought he was better then me, because he was older. He also thought he was smarter then me too. The extent of how much he looked down on me didn’t really hit me until now. Probably because I’ve finally gotten to experience having a man that is proud to say you’re his date. And not proud because of your looks, but because of your personality and accomplishments. That is a new experience for me. I feel very grateful to have gotten it.

It’s so strange. I had forgotten what these feelings are like. Previously, it was impossible for me to imagine ever falling in love with someone that wasn’t P. Now it’s becoming a reality. It’s not the same as before though. I have much more control of my emotions and I feel a lot more mature. I’ve definitely moved into the realm of an adult relationship instead of a teenage one. However, the same feelings are starting to form. I recognize them. They seem foreign though. I haven’t felt anything like this in four and a half years. I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing though. I’m ready for this. It’s time for me to experience something healthy and good. After all this time I finally feel like I deserve it.

What I Wish I Could Say

I am not fragile. You are not going to break me. You could not even put a dent in this strong fortress I’ve put around my heart. Do not tip toe around me. Say what is on your mind. I can take it. Stop being a coward. Stop being afraid of my reaction. You have no idea what I’ve been through. No idea what I can handle. I am one of the strongest. You have yet to realize that. I have yet to show you.

I have yet to give you a glimpse into my dark past. How can I expect you to understand my strength when you have no idea what I’ve endured? I need to make you understand that I fear nothing, because life has shown me some of the worst in this world. I also know I can survive insurmountable amounts of pain. I can heal and return to normal. I am resilient.

You are naive. You do not know this about me. I can tell you worry about hurting me. I don’t like to be coddled though. You know that at least. Listen to me and let me show you. Maybe then you can understand. It’s something you are going to have to do if you want me. I know it won’t be easy for you to hear. My story will horrify you. However, I hope it will not horrify your perception of me. This is why I haven’t told you. I wanted you to know me before you knew my past. I think it’s time though. We’ve come to a crossroads. This information could decide which path we take.

Winter

Once a warm and inviting house
Now the fire dims low
The winter winds penetrate the cracks in the thin walls
Fingers slowly start to go numb
Together they huddle next to what is left of the embers
His arm around her; they share dwindling body heat
The freeze is about to come

Her shivers turn to violent shakes
He cups her face in his hands
The dim glow illuminates her pale skin
Lips tinged blue, a hot tear runs down her cheek
He takes a trembling finger and brushes it away
A soft kiss, a sad attempt to bring her rosy complexion back to life
Her eyes are full of pain
A silent recognition, this is the end

The last of the embers die out
Darkness blankets the room
The walls tremble as they are pounded by the blizzard outside
The weight of the cold becomes too much
Two bodies lay down, arm in arm
Love’s great warmth keeps them alive just a little longer
But eventually the ice of winter conquers all…

My Real Personal Statement

I have come to the largest hurdle I have to leap over for my medical school applications. Writing the personal statement. I have no idea why this is so challenging for me. I write all the time. I would like to think that every single blog post I write is a personal statement. What I’m really having trouble with is what to write about. I’ve read so many websites with advice. They tell you to write about what makes you you, why you want to be a doctor, a difficult life experience you have overcome, etc. I know how I would answer these prompts in my blog. That would be easy.

I am me because I walked through hell and came out of the other end. I learned how to survive, how to deal with insurmountable pain and how to persevere through it all. I had everything taken from me, ripped out of my very being and shredded to pieces. I had to relearn everything. I had to relearn how to be human, because my humanity was stripped from me. It felt as though I had lost my soul. But I was strong. I rebuilt myself from the ground up, piece by piece. This new me has foundations of humility, morality and virtue.  I have become a kind and honest person. I see the world with open eyes, and do not take the good for granted. I know how evil the world can really be. Why do I want to be a doctor? To help people. To help people overcome the bad I know exists in the world. To put my compassion for those around me to good use. I want to heal the souls that were as lost as I was. Offer a hand to those who cannot assist themselves. There are so many out there that just need to experience someone who cares.

And there it is. Right there. My personal statement. Just about as personal as it gets. The question is whether or not to be that bold and honest on my real application. I write my best when I’m blatantly open. However, I feel as though that could backfire on me with this. Who knows what these admissions people want to read. I know I could certainly stand out. I just don’t want to stand out in a negative light. I’m sure I could churn out a decent essay about graduating early and my drive towards higher education. I don’t want to be superficial though. That’s not why I want to be a doctor. Why I want to be a doctor is written above. So now it becomes, do I take the risk or not?

Where Am I Going?

I have no idea where my life is going. I feel absolutely, completely lost. Nothing is secure. Everything is floating out in empty space. I could be anywhere in a year. That is scary. There are so many questions that have yet to be answered of what will happen in my life. I have so many decisions left to make. It’s a struggle, because it is all overwhelming me at once.

G is accepting the job in California. They made him a great offer and are going to pay for his relocation. I can’t blame him. However, when I found out initially I felt like someone socked me in the gut. My first instinct was to cut him out of my life. I could tell he sensed that. Once I calmed down I didn’t want to do that. I ended up spending almost all of Saturday with him. I went with him to his best friend’s senior piano recital in the afternoon. Then I had an end of the year dinner for synchronized swimming so I thought we would part ways. He texted me asking how the dinner was though and we ended up deciding to meet up afterwards. At first, we were going to go hang out at his fraternity house with some other brothers. But we decided we would rather spend the night in together.

It was one of the best Saturday nights I’ve had all semester and I didn’t even go out or drink. We are getting to a point where we are really comfortable together. The nerves are gone and we both know we really like each other. It’s really great….and he’s going to California. Fuck my life. I live in Pennsylvania. California might as well be another country. I’ve never even been there. This absolutely sucks. I’m not really sure what we’re going to do. We both know we need to have that conversation. Neither of us brought it up last night though. I think we both just wanted to enjoy our time together. A talk like that would have spoiled the mood.

I really only have a plan for the next two weeks. I’m going to enjoy the time I have left with G. Just do my best to pretend like it’s not going to happen. The fraternity’s formal is on Friday. It’s like the college equivalent of prom. G asked me to be his date. Everyone gets all dressed up. There’s a really fancy dinner, dancing and then a party afterwards. I’m really excited for that. It should be fun. That shouldn’t be ruined just because he’s going to California. We should make as many memories as possible while we still can.

 

My Own Worst Enemy

Everything is crashing and my back is breaking. The weight of the world on my shoulders has become too much. I know I put this pressure on myself. I have chosen my career path. I want to be a doctor. I want one of the hardest things to achieve in academia. That has been my decision. I wish I could pick something else, but nothing else feels right. This is really what I want to do. I don’t understand why the world seems to be trying so hard to take it away from me. Today I found out I’m ineligible for half the medical schools I want to apply to, because I took the 6 credit series of organic chemistry and not the 8 credit. The pre-med adviser I met with basically dismissed me the second I walked into her office. According to her, I’m not good enough. I should just apply to PA school.

I can handle enormous amounts of stress. People ask exorbitant amounts of me and it doesn’t phase me. What I can’t handle is myself. The person who asks the most of me is me. The person who puts me under the most pressure is me. My Type A personality and upbringing has conditioned me to believe that I must succeed and I must be the best. I’m cracking under the weight of it all. That’s for damn sure. P makes it all worse. He never believed in me. He never though I would amount to anything. He wanted me to be a teacher, so I could be a proper homemaker and take care of the kids. That’s what he thought I was worth. Out of all the people I want to prove wrong, he is number one. I want him to hear about how awesome I am doing through the grapevine. I want him to hear about how I have a great life, career, relationship…a great everything.

He needs to feel regret. He needs to feel remorse. Why do I think that me becoming a doctor will make him feel that? I have no idea. I guess the sad truth is I still want to prove myself to him. His voice is still in my head, always taunting me. “You aren’t good enough. You will never be good enough.” I don’t know how to get rid of it. He still haunts me. The other night I had a bad dream about him. I woke up with three new scratches on my legs. He scares me so much that I dig my fingers into myself in my sleep. That is ridiculous. When does it end? Someone please just tell me when this ends…

The Selfish Human Nature

The more I encounter in this world, the more I realize that human beings are self centered creatures. I can count the number of selfless people I have met in my life on one hand. Sure, there are plenty of people that will help out their friends or someone in need. However, most of them are wondering what they will get out of it in the back of their heads. I do something for you, you do something for me. Isn’t that how it works? Then there are the people that do it just to feel better about themselves. They get this euphoria that tells them, “I’m a good person.”

I am there for my friends, because there is something deep in my soul that tells me to. I can’t ignore it. I can’t be self centered. When I see them fall apart, I am there. I sacrifice sleep. I sacrifice studying. I do everything in my power to make them okay. I spent all of yesterday at it with A. And I don’t want anything in return from them. I honestly don’t. All I want is to be treated like a decent human being. Can they do that? No, because they are too absorbed in themselves and their own tiny little world. Just because things are good with your man now doesn’t mean you can say whatever you god damned want to me.

I’m a little frustrated right now. I am having a horrible day. I feel as if all of the energy has been sucked out of me. There’s too much stress coming from all directions. G, medical school, my grades, my friends… I have so much weight on my shoulders. I’m tired of people telling me I’m going to be great. I’m tired of the expectations. Yes, I know the kid genius has to succeed. But can’t you all see it’s crushing me? I just want to be happy, but I don’t want to be a disappointment. I’ve never been a disappointment in my entire life. I was born to excel. It’s what I do. I can handle an inhuman workload, get great grades and still find time to study for the MCATs. And even with all of that I still want to be there for my friends. They just keep asking more and more of me. Can’t they see that I’m exhausted? That I don’t deserve to be yelled at? I’m sorry you’re tired because you spent all night with your man. Don’t take it out on me. Especially, since I was the one that took all day to comfort you when he was treating you like shit. But no, he’s not the bad guy. I am. I’m the mean one for telling you to stop snapping at me when I try to ask you simple questions. I can’t take much of this anymore…